"OK. Let me get this straight ... this chap is a Canadian expert? So that would make his area of expertise, um, Canada? Wait ... that seems too easy ... can I ask the audience?"—David Oakes (L.K. Peterson, Jon Drumwright, Greg Diamond, Richard Nikonovich-Kahn, Dola Nasr, John Tyrrell, Mark Romoser, Ariel Gilbert-Knight, David Feige, and Tim Carvell had similar answers.)

"Baby harp seals. It seems the little bastards have started a Great White North insurgency movement against the Inuits, eh?"—Deborah Guy

"Column mechanics. (Or am I the only one who still uses this expression for mad skills with the bong?)"—Sarah M. Balcomb

"Oh, he doesn't really have one. He just shows up in a tweed jacket, bowtie, and pince-nez whenever there's some sort of hearing going on, and people put him on the stand."—Tim Carvell

"He's a climate and geography expert on the new '01 Ford Excursion. 'The rebels were last seen on Tuesday,' he added, 'making their way from the passenger seat back into the main cabin. Satellite reports showed them making good time, so they could be anywhere now ... maybe even on their way into the cargo area. We might never find them in there.' "—Jon Drumwright

"Rebel-rousing. Thank you."—Peter Lerangis

"Clearly it is not speechwriting."—Ariel Gilbert-Knight

"Breaking up prayer groups in the Texas delegation."—Dilan A. Esper (similarly Conventional, Fred Petrick and Anthony Wright)

"Beavers, ice fishing, socialized medicine, harboring an army of red Communists just waiting to infiltrate that undefended border and slit our throats in the dead of night—the usual Canadian stuff."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"Canadians have experts? I guess I still have a lot to learn about our gentle neighbor to the north."—Francis Heaney

"Cleaning up pro hockey. Won't work though; Paul Newman tried it in Slapshot with the Hansen brothers and it backfired badly. Why is the United Nations working on this anyway?"—Edward Gresser (similarly, Timothy Prodin and David Ballard)

"Hockey 'n' Molsons. The rebels are the handful of apostates who haven't been tithing to Wayne Gretzky's restaurant; the government is taking steps to deport them."—Jan Werner

"Advertising. A few die-hards are still refusing to see the genius in Molson's 'I am Canadian' spots."—Mike Branom

"Brew. Seems that a few Canucks were chugging Buds, a prosecutable offense north of the 49^th parallel."—Carrie Rickey

"His area of expertise is Canadian fashion, which, I suppose, would mean the rebels are those not wearing acid-wash jeans and sporting a mullet."—Justin Ferrari (similarly, Sharon Dynek)

"Being Canadian, he'll probably just ask the rebels to leave real nicely, even offer them a ride home. But if they want to stay, that's cool too."—Mark Wade (similarly, Anthony Wright)

"Basketball. He is recounting how Coach K motivated Christian Laetner during Duke's 1991 Final Four game against UNLV."—Stephen Butler (similarly, Mark Wade)

"He's the pitching coach for Mississippi State, bitter rival of Ole Miss. The question should have read '... go in there and get those Rebels out.' "—Mark Romoser

"Star Wars. He's testifying to the U.N. High Commission of Star Wars Fanatics, about possible plot twists to George Lucas' next installment of the thrilling space saga. In the course of getting the rebels out, lots of really cool blaster and light-saber duels should occur, to the delight of fans worldwide willing to cough up another billion dollars on mindless entertainment."—John Hanson (similarly, L.K. Peterson, Josh Pollack, Terry Brown, Adam Bonin, Josiah Madigan, Anthony Wright, Jon Drumwright, Daniel Radosh, Michael Maiello, Jason Ross, and Tim Carvell)

"U.S. Civil War reparations. He was commenting on the several die-hard Confederate soldiers still bivouacked, whatever that means, in caves in South Carolina."—Ellis Weiner

"The South Carolina state Legislature. But the last U.N. peacekeeping force sent in to smoke out the rebels was taken hostage and forced to listen to 'Dixie' recorded by Strom Thurmond on a scratchy '78 during his failed presidential bid. No other operations are planned."—John Hanson (similarly, David Ballard)

"How to keep the stripper in the Big Brother house, or so he says."—Julie Anderson

"The Newfie Civil War. It can't be the Quebec War. Those Frenchies aren't civil."—John Foster

"Elementary-school lunchrooms. When milk starts spurting out their noses and the meatballs start flying, experts are required to restore order."—Rose White (similarly, but Cambridge, John Schmeidel)

"U.N. Secret Black Helicopter Invasion Forces. Commenting on the Top Secret operation in which the real John McCain was replaced with a replicant programmed by Bush's connections at the CFR and the Trilateral Commision."—Mark Shotzberger

"U.S. politics. Watching the convention on CNN, he vowed to track down the saboteurs behind that outrageous parade of black people on the Republican Party stage."—Kevin Lamb (similarly, Andrew K. Jacobson, Mark Wade, and Jan Werner)

Self-Reference Corner

"Byzantine bureaucracies. Or was that the last quiz?"—David Gilison

NewzKwiz for Kids Korner

"Hockie is the funest sport evir."—Charlie Glassenberg

"I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. Please, I'm not kidding. Oh, god—OK, all right: Abooot. Agaynst. Eh? Aboooooot."—Greg Diamond

"RALPH!!!""—Mark Wade

"Niagara falls, and it can't get up!"—Adam Bonin