"I recognize that the scurrilous responses people will offer to this question will no doubt be posted on bulletin boards from Istanbul to Ankara, fomenting anti-U.S. sentiment; nevertheless but I still want to take the opportunity to wish bon voyage to a couple my friends who are leaving this month to teach in Turkey. Don't worry, Aloysius and Clytemnestra, you won't get caught up in this; I've omitted your last names no one will know that you're the ones I'm talking about."—Greg Diamond

"Fellate (and allow me to note here that my Epsom Green 4.6 HSE '99 Range Rover is parked out front as we speak)."—Bjorn Larsen (Mark Wade had a similar answer.)

"Plug up that nasty gap between the Scylla and the Charybdis with."—Adam Bonin

"Hug and kiss. (The problem is, of course, a persistent, nagging guilt about one's wealth and overconsumption. As I understand it, the Republican Party's platform this year also contains several planks designed to alleviate this.)"—Tim Carvell (similarly affectionate, Fred Petrick and Peter Carlin)

"'Fling wide the gates of our beloved Troy to.'"—Jason Ross

"Throttle. Oops, I thought this was the Facile Humor News Quiz. Never mind."—Deborah Wassertzug

"Divorce pre-emptively."—Shany Mor

"Provide generous tax breaks and drug benefits to."—Jon Drumwright

"Welcome to my sport utility vehicle! I KISS YOU!!!!!"—Rob Rosenthal

"Put me down as a similarly to everyone who mentions the 'I Kiss You!' guy."—John Leary

"Make amends with the Armenians by sending them."—Adam Bonin

"If it's supposed to be some form of punishment to discourage the purchases, I'll say, 'have Kathie Lee Gifford pay a visit to.' "—Sharon Dynek (similarly discouraging, but sans KLG, John Woodward)

" 'Behead.' His rather cumbersome solution to ensure that the country rid itself of the evil creator of the national shame that is www.hotTurkishchicks.com."—Mark Terry

"I would hope his suggestion would be to arrest, beat, scourge, horse whip, draw and quarter, hang, and then burn at the stake … but barring that, a good kick to the groin should do."—Joe Hawk (similarly, but less flamboyantly, harsh, Alex Pascover, David Feige, Mark Romoser, Lia Olivieri, and Jon Drumwright)

"My solution is to … 'ISSUE every (yahoo who bought an SUV-type vehicle) A SCUD LAUNCHER and as many MISSILES as the vehicle can hold.' 'Let them park at Incirlik AFB and take over those endless bombing runs on Iraq,' he may or may not have added."—Kathy Whitesel

"Force, at gunpoint, a viewing of The Klumps, for."—Ray Hastings

"Liquefy into a gasoline substitute."—Steven Kiefer

"Carjack and export the vehicles of."—Rose White

"Vote off the island."—Arthur Stock

"Grant full membership in the EU to."—John Leary

"Give 'tours' of our new prisons to."—Sarah M. Balcomb

"Employ them as taxi drivers (especially to cart around the large American tourists who have so much trouble squeezing into the popular subcompact, licensed for five, Turkish cabs)."—David Oakes

"Force to live in an actual wilderness area."—Francis Heaney

"Do those people count as kulaks? Because I've got a few tried and true ideas for them."—T.G. Gibbon

"Make their SUVs break down and all the interior pieces fall off ... OOPS Jeeps and Range Rovers do that anyway! Never mind!"—Mark Shotzberger

"Have a Lincoln Navigator run over."—Seth Chandler

"Shish kabob."—Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"Have a big party to raise money for next month's rent and invite."—Francis Heaney

"Deport to Constantinople. But you can't do that, because Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople, been a long time gone, Constantinople."—Charlie Glassenberg

"I'm afraid I can't fill in blanks from Istanbul or Constantinople (because it's nobody's business but the Turks)."—Michael Maiello (similarly, Alison Rogers)

"Seduce, marry, and then, after several years of ostensibly happy matrimony (sure you had your small quarrels now and then, who doesn't?), murder, or have murdered, being meticulously careful not to allow any identifiable trace whatsoever of incriminating evidence to be left behind, thereby inheriting your then-deceased-spouse's rugged yet stylish outdoor adventure vehicle, or vehicles plural, as the case may be, all for yourself."—Bjorn Larsen

"Sorry, but all I know about Turkey is Midnight Express. So, my answer is 'rape their asses and beat their feet.' "—Brent Danzig (similarly cinematic, Brooke Saucier)

Self-Reference Corner

"I just know this has something to do with the 'is it Larry or John Holmes' answer in the last quiz."—Pete Miesel

" 'Spank the monkey of.' Look, it means something different there, OK?"—Greg Diamond

Kidz Korner

"NewzKwiz for Kidz Answer: big carrs are cooul."—Charlie Glassenberg

"NewzKwiz for Kids Answer: Gobble gobble!"—Adam Bonin

"NewzQuiz for Kidz: Napster is kewl, not OJay!"—Pete Miesel

"NewsKwiz honoring Turkey answer: uddleuddleuddleuddleuddleuddleuddleuddle."—Greg Diamond