"Sponsor current events. 'This police brutality video brought to you by ABC's new fall lineup!' "—Will Vehrs

"Have Norm MacDonald call you and promote the shows on Fox, NBC, CBS, PBS, and every obscure network except ABC. That will surely drive ABC's numbers through the roof."—John Tyrrell

"Monday Night Football with Dennis Miller. Wait, they're already doing that."—Tim Lowell

"Have camera crews follow Drew Carey around everywhere, especially to strip clubs."—L.K. Peterson

"Norm McDonald parachutes into the backyard during a live episode of Big Brother, holds a knife to Josh's throat, and says he will execute unless viewers change the channel to ABC. When that doesn't work, he drops Josh and repeats the threat, this time against a chicken."—Arthur Stock

"Original comedy and drama programming so good you beg for more, mostly because you get free heroin for watching."—Doug Sheppard

"Send lots of soft money to the GOP so that they can gain control of House and Senate, as well as the White House. Then have them pass a law mandating that every American watch at least 20 hours of ABC programming a week."—Mark Shotzberger

"Thousands were spent on a plan to supply schools with the corporate circle logo to place around the first three letters of the alphabet above the chalkboard. Plan was eventually scuttled due to upper case/lower case format of chalkboard alphabets, Aa Bb Cc, etc."—Mark Wade

"The cast of Friends will show up at random night spots ... oh wait ... that's NBC. Uh, that annoying truck driver lady from Survivor will threaten to beat you up if you don't watch ... oh wait, that's CBS. My hot neighbor from 204 will come up to borrow some sugar and next thing I know ... oh wait, that was my dream last night. How about if George Stephanopolous (yeh—like I'm really gonna look up how to spell his name) came over to borrow some sugar and next thing I know ..."—Jason Bakke