"Oh, please, please, tell me she's the new Pied Piper, come to do something about the rats (if only to beautify their coats with Nice 'n Easy)!"—Deborah Wassertzug

"A humanitarian airlift of nail-puffing kits to war-ravaged Eritria."—Jack Craypo

"Rerecord Beggar's Banquet, but with conditioner."—Josh Kamensky

"Test products on a whole bunch of bunny rabbits."—Stuart Wade (Mark Romoser had a similar answer.)

"Whatever it is, it'll probably smell up the bathroom for days."—David Wall

"I don't know, but Michael Bolton and Kenny G better watch their backs."—Mark Romoser

"Change Al Gore's image in time for a boffo convention showing."—Steve Spencer (similarly, TG Gibbon)

"Increase the level of artificiality in all our lives."—Francis Heaney

"Select a Democratic vice-presidential nominee."—Felix Salmon (similarly, Josh Kamensky)

"Ensure that the carpet matches the drapes."—Stuart Wade

"Put Bryce Newhart down as 'similarly' for anything involving 'getting the cuffs and collar to match.' "—TG Gibbon

"Market spray-on virginity."—Greg Diamond

"I know it has something to do with the missile defense program, but I really don't understand all that military jargon."—Greg Narver

"Seduce Britain's Prince William, then see what he looks like as a brunet."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Deborah Guy)

"Encourage the eight middle-aged men of the G8 summit to cover their gray and bare their midriffs!"—Adam Wright Strayer

"Clairol Naughty 'n Easy."—Justin Ferrari

"Hair products and pop singers? Call the fire department. Now."—Joseph Jannsen

"Bring sexy sexlessness to a financial climax."—Kevin Gregg

"Promote the image of Britney as 'Nice 'n Easy.' "—Sean Carman

"Persuade OPEC to increase crude oil production before they both go bankrupt."—Evan Brady

"I'm pretty sure it has something to do with drag queens. Or the promotion of eating disorders."—Jason Bakke

"Send crates of hair dye to less fortunate areas of the world. Young Britney, wiping away a tear, lamented the fact that, between sets of a $45 per seat concert, she had caught CNN images of fleeing ethnic Albanians, 'Who, like, totally could have used some Beige Blonde No. 804.' "—Brooke Saucier

"I don't know, but whatever it is I bet it'll be shiny, bouncy, and have lots of well-conditioned 'body.' "—Michael Cronin

"They're going to see to it that Cybill Shepherd has a little accident."—Jon Zerolnick

"That's funny. I thought it was Vlasic instead of Clairol and had something to do with a new pickle product."—Steven Davis

"Have a benefit concert for the non-blond and flat-chested!"—Mark Shotzberger

Oops, I Did It Again Corner

(also oopsian, Sharon Dynek, Mark Romoser, and Anthony Wright)

"Relabel shampoo bottles: 'Lather, rinse, oops, do it again.' "—Ben Kirkup

"Roots ... I Dyed Them Again."—Francis Heaney

"Sponsor her 'Oops, I dyed it again' tour. It's a new process that covers children's stripped, overly bleached hair, especially 8-year old boys with their two tones."—Barbara Lippert

Christina Aguilera Corner

(also Aguilerian, Roger Hipp, Michael Acton, Josh Kamensky, and Dilan Esper)

"Uncover Christina Aguilera's black roots (Phillip Roth novel to follow)."—Matt Sullivan

"Wash Christina Aguilera out of their hair."—David Finkle

"Kick the shit out of Christina Aguilera. I have no idea what Clairol's contribution will be, but I'd pay to see it."—John Leary (similarly, Michael Doyle and Beth Sherman)

Self-Reference Corner

"Annoy me."—Timothy Prodin

"Persuade Larry Amaros that nothing goes with festive pastels better than a nice henna rinse."—Tim Carvell

"Sponsor an Indian cricket team."—Will Vehrs

"NewzKwiz for Kidz Answer: Brittnee is AWESOME!!!!!!"—Adam Bonin