"Find the last software engineer in India before she gets a visa to the United States."—Will Vehrs

"I agree, Deepak Chopra must be stopped. But I think he lives in the States."—Anthony Wright

"To find Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, sober her drunk ass up, and get her out of that French maid's costume."—Jon Hotchkiss

"Find a suitable boy."—Neal Pollack

"Find Jedediah Purdy. He's been awful quiet lately, no? Has something evil befallen our protector against all that is ironic?"—Adam Bonin

"Whatever they're doing, please don't let them shut down www.freeindiasex.com! Please!—Will Vehrs

"To locate the real Salman Rushdie among all the Come-Dressed-as-Salman-Rushdie gatherings."—David Finkle

"Inspired by Calvin Trillin, I have composed this entry as a poem:

Police set most Indians atwitter
By engaging in raiding most bitter
Which I'd gladly go out
And tell you about
But of course I can't locate a sitter."—Greg Diamond

"Helping the Yankees perennial search for a left fielder."—Anthony Wright

"Say how do you do and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands."—Francis Heaney

"Say 'please' before they compel a bribe out of the host to ignore the noise complaints from the neighbors."—Charles Star

"In the name of Vishnu, you will not use your entree forks for your salad!"—Vincent Basehart

"This lends itself to a witty 'panty raid' reference because the spelling is so close, I guess. But I can't think of anything even a little amusing. So make mine 'similarly,' my friend."—Charles Star (Adam Bonin and Francis Heaney had similar answers.)

"Confiscate bootleg copies of Coyote Ugly."—Jon Zerolnick

"Confiscate all copies of The Sarong Song."—Josh Kamensky

"Explain that you don't have to be a colonialist to tie a decent Windsor knot."—Peter Carlin

"Well, if they were looking for gentleman, good luck. Everybody knows they went to hell-in-a-hand-basket after the Raj ended."—Steven Davis (similarly, Ben Sheriff and Ben Kirkup)

"Break up those 'Nickels for Nukes' collections that had the Pakistanis' knickers in such a twist."—Mark Romoser

"Confiscate bootleg copies of Ravi Shankar's latest—Oops, I Tested a Nuke Again."—Will Vehrs

"Ensuring that all females over the age of 10 have been adequately anaesthetized prior to the removal of their clitoris."—Mary Anne Townsend

"To, as gentlemanly as possible, throw grieving widows on the barbie (to put it as euphemistically as possible)."—Steven Davis

"Well, if it has anything to do with cracking down on prostitution, HBO's India Undercover production people may just as well pack their things and come home."—Sharon Dynek

"Find Hilary Swank and present her with a special award from Bollywood. 'Boys Don't Cry... but we did,' said the head of the operation."—Doug Sheppard

"Trying to get as many people as possible to vote online to kick Gervase off the Survivor island next week."—Sharon Dynek

"To insure Tax Blitz Hitz Match-Fixin, Hittin' 'n' Stickin', cricket wicket wielders."—Scott Pollino

Self-Reference Corner

"NewzKwiz for Kids Answer: Teacher says they're 'Native Americans,' Mr. NewzKwiz!"—Adam Bonin