"Give them a Minor League Yankee franchise."—Beth Sherman

"Rid Times Square of all pellet- and bb-gun dealers."—Brooke Saucier

"Find the six NYPD Special Forces Team members who killed them and try them in Utica."—Marshall Efron (David Oakes, Sara Weisensel, Eric Roston, Doug Sheppard, Carl Dietrich, and Mark Shotzberger had similar answers trading in NYPD racism and brutality.)

"Cover Staten Island with a malathion cloud so thick, so impossible to breathe in, so obviously unhealthy, that the residents briefly consider venturing into the rest of the city."—Charles Star (similarly, Michael Maiello and Gary Frazier)

"Investigate fully how it is that: a) Both crows were found slumped over the steering wheels of Buicks, with one gunshot wound each, in the back of the head; b) both cars were registered to garbage collection companies based in South Ozone Park; and c) not one of the neighbors claims to have seen, heard, or known nuttin'."—Larry Amoros

"Close the Summer Crow season?"—George Strickler

"Mount them and put them on the mantle."—Stuart Wade

"Release, to great fanfare, two live crows."—David Feige

"Secede, of course. And this you call 'news'?"—Doug Welty

"Arrest the Philadelphia police officers who shot them."—Adam Bonin

"Sacrifice a young she-goat."—Ed Page

"Prevent Dave Barry from noticing that 'West Nile Virus' would make a really good band name ... no matter what the cost."—Doug Sheppard

"Revise police policy regarding high-speed chases by previously unmarked police vehicles."—Howard Burchman

"Attorney General Janet Reno immediately announced that Department of Justice has no plans to investigate the likelihood of a hate crime having been committed since, in her words, 'Everyone knows New Yorkers hate pigeons.' "—Dan Dickinson

"Evacuate everyone to Buffalo, home of the famous ... uh ... er ... as I was saying, evacuate everyone to Albany ..."—Doug Sheppard

"You know, those dead-crow ideas might fly in Glens Falls, but one would hope that things would be a little more—cosmopolitan—downstate. What of the grouse, people?"—Laura Miller

"Use them as forboding omens in The Perfect Storm 2."—Carl Dietrich

"An autopsy was ordered. The crows' last meal? Wisconsin cheddar."—Will Vehrs

"Place a down payment on the deceaseds' apartment (in escrow, as a sick joke)."—Eric Roston

"Force-feed them to John Rocker, of course!"—Jack Hunter

"Arrest the homeless! Hey, any excuse is a good enough for the mayor."—Lake Polan

"Survivor on Staten Island. If they tuned in to watch the survivors eat rats, imagine the ratings when they roast up twin trash-fed crows."—Greg Castanias (similarly, Doug Sheppard)

Fine Dining Corner

"Crow suppers for everyone!"—Tim Carvell (similarly, Matthew Renner)

"Does this have anything with the sign outside the soup kitchen on 138^th Street I saw yesterday that said, 'Today only: fresh crow soup'?"—Greg Diamond

"Eight words: open a 'Olive and Dead Crow Garden' restaurant."—Jon Hotchkiss

"Have a special on Chicken McNuggets!"—Mark Shotzberger

"Check out the early-bird special at Les Deux Corbeilles."—Katha Pollitt

"Next week is 'Staten Island crow cuisine' week on Emeril Live!"—Rich Klicki

Heckle and Jeckle Corner

"Something funny about Hekyl and Jekyl TK."—Gina Duclayan (similarly, Gary Frazier and Pete Miesel)

"Hire actors to play Heckle and Jeckle who aren't hooked on heroin this time."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Tim Carvell, Ellis Weiner, Julia Woods, and Daniel Radosh)

"Rename the Staten Island Expressway Heckel and Jeckyl Highway."—Evan Cornog

Self-Reference Corner

"I see I brought out my 'Larry Amaros/pastel ensemble' answer a day too soon."—Greg Diamond

"NewzKwiz for Kidz Answer: Derek Jeter Is the Cutest Playir Evir!"—Adam Bonin

"Quarantine all attendees of the News Quiz picnic until the West Nile incubation period has passed."—Alex Pascover