"They're paying the Wisconsin Dairy Association to discontinue the development of electric cheese."—Sharon Dynek (Monty Ashley had a similar answer.)

" 'Behold the power of cheese!' I don't have anywhere to go with this, but you mentioned Wisconsin, so really it's your fault."—Steven Davis (similarly, Dola Nasr)

"E-mail threats to the power company. Residents receive a discount on their power bill for abusive letters written on manual typewriters."—Peter G. Eipers

"They paid their African-American and Latino customers not to complain when the electricity in their neighborhoods is mysteriously cut off later this summer. They did not, however, pay them well. Wait a minute, are there any African-Americans or Latinos in Wisconsin?"—Sarah M. Balcomb

"The Wisconsin Republican Party; not to charge up their 'Old Sparky' simulated electric chair 'experience.' "—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Joe Bernstein and Hanneke Festen)

"The Brewers not to hit home runs, which explains a lot."—Neal Pollack (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg)

"They've stopped a local plastic surgeon from doing his life-saving work on Liz Taylor's chins."—Jon Hotchkiss

"Hey, kids! Don't read your Harry Potter after 8 p.m.!"—Adam Bonin (similarly, Steven Davis)

"Not sure how paying Joe Eszterhas to keep quiet for five minutes is going to ease power demands, but if Wisconsin Electric is leading the effort, put me down for $5."—Jennifer Weiner

"They paid Wisconsin teachers to unplug their classroom beer lights."—Jason Ross

"Fifteen hundred carefully chosen recent graduates of Wisconsin high schools; wear clothes at a series of promotional appearances at towns throughout the state. 'It's time people were reminded that some of the best things in life don't require electricity,' said spokeswoman Deb Magness. 'Ah, who am I kidding; we're just trying to get people talking about something other than the ruined meat in their freezers.' "—Greg Diamond

"Geoffrey Holder; not to put the lime in the coconuts. (Oh, God, does this mean I'm spending too much time with my friends at Young & Rubicam?)"—Larry Amoros

"They paid Disney not to go through with plans for 'Wisconsin Alive,' a new theme park spanning the entire state, wherein all Wisconsinites would be bought and replaced with animatronic puppets. 'It's a World of Badgers, a World of Beer!' "—James Hand

"The All-Cheese Network; to cease broadcasting."—Will Vehrs

"That bitch truckdriver on Survivor; not to come home, ever."—Paul Tullis

"Mark Borchardt; not to complete Northwestern."—Matt Sullivan

"Garrison Keillor; not to wax nostalgic."—Beth Sherman

"They paid Michael Feldman to stop broadcasting from Madison. They call it energy-saving; I call it anti-Semitism."—Jon Zerolnick

"They paid UW-Madison campus security to confiscate all of the students' hydroponic dorm-closet pot farms."—Charles Star

"Local hospitals; not to overuse defibrillators on aged and decrepit comedians."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Joe Hawk)

"Wisconsin football coach Barry Alvarez not to microwave his late breakfast, his early lunch, his lunch, his post-lunch snack, his mid-afternoon snack, his appetizers, his four-course dinner, his dessert, and his microwave popcorn, between the peak usage hours of 1 p.m. and 4 p.m., as he normally does."—Mark Wade

"They paid 'N Sync not to go on tour. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"—Doug Benning

"Bart Starr—not to turn on the lights in his trophy cases."—Julie Carwile

"Nobody knows how to hand-milk any more. Are you kidding me?"—Dan Dickinson

"Brewers to deliver beer at room temperature, because cooling beer was responsible for the major seasonal outages. Besides, warm beer goes better with cheddar."—Carrie Rickey

"The chief custodial supervisor was paid not to turn on the master switch."—David Finkle

"For the love of God, Gov. Thompson! Take off the thong and pasties!"—Sara Weisensel

Self-Reference Corner

"Numerous Internet users; not to waste precious voltage on silly News Quizzes."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Jon Zerolnick and Josh Kamensky)

"Larry Amaros; wear that pastel ensemble on a visit to Milwaukee ever again."—Greg Diamond

"Me; download any more pictures from the 'Hot Pictures of Nude Wisconsin Electric Power Employees' page."—Francis Heaney

"They're paying me to stay home, thereby reducing the strain on San Francisco's already overtaxed public transit system, which runs exclusively on power from the Wisconsin power grid. Or so I've told my gullible bosses."—Tim Carvell

"Newz Kwiz for Kidz Answer: Cheez is kewl!"—Adam Bonin

"Turn off the power to the electric fence enforcing the 'Penis-Free Zone.' "—Will Vehrs

"They paid my ex-girlfriend in Madison to switch to battery powered sex toys. That little pink bunny just keeps going, and going, and going."—Dwight Lemke