"Get this—their parents … spfffkkkkkhh, sorry, I just can't stop laughing; oh, me, their parents, of all things."—David Ballard (Anthony Wright, Joe Hawk, Gary Frazier, Josh Kamensky, David Salzman, and Dan Dickinson had similar answers.)

"Oedipal desires … or maybe that's just me."—Lake Polan

"Experts."—Daniel Radosh (similarly, Greg Narver and Chris Gwaltney)

"Unannounced police raids."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Severe beatings."—Alex Pascover (similarly, Lee Bressler, Marshall Efron, Ellis Weiner, Josh Kamensky, and Tim Carvell)

"Forced-labor camps."—Trevor Thomas

".50-caliber bullets. 'I can vouch for their impact on young Iraqis,' McCaffrey said."—Jason Ross (similarly, Tim Carvell)

"Helicopter gunships."—Tim Lowell

"Nuclear weapons."—Anthony Wright

"Cruel nicknames."—Stuart Wade

"Getting patted down by Christine Todd Whitman."—Matt Sullivan

"Filmstrips!"—Matthew Cole (similarly, Ed Page)

"Pheromones."—Evan Cornog

"Drugs!"—Greg Bilionis (similarly, Randy Gustafson, Lee Bressler, Steve Kiefer, Ian O'Henley, and Tim Olevsky)

"Anti-drug drugs."—John Tyrrell

"Search engines that automatically deliver an electrical shock when processing an inquiry containing the word 'drug.' "—Mary Anne Townsend

" 'Megadoses of vitamin C.' (Hey, it's how my mom would fight the drug war.)"—Matt Heimer (similarly, Neal Pollack)

" 'Aluminum baseball bats' is the answer. 'When I said I'd see you kids dead before I saw you try marijuana, I meant it,' McCaffrey continued, advancing menacingly toward his terrified children. 'Why did you have to test me? Why?' "—Greg Diamond

"Condiments. Wait—no—that was the last quiz, right?"—Kathy Kreutzer

"Pokémon cards."—Brooke Saucier

"The teachings of Bob Hope."—Adam Bonin

"Meeting Bruce Willis at age 40 in a really crappy movie."—Paul Tullis

"Budding porn stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen."—Timothy Hunter

"Lobsters. We don't know why, but the studies prove it. They also cause cancer."—Matthew Renner

"Celebrity spokespeople like Walter Matthau and Nancy Marchand. Wait—they're what? BOTH of them? Oh, fuck."—Tim Carvell

"The inspirational lives of quiet dignity lived by popular artists like Eminem."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Chris Gwaltney)

" … 'N Sync."—David Finkle

" … Hanson."—Dan Dickinson

" … Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown."—Beth Sherman

" … That hip singing duo, the Captain and Tenille. They are the anti-drug."—Deborah Wassertzug

"Those hoppity-hippity songs they all listen to."—Steve Kiefer

" 'Personal anti-drug appearances by John Stamos.' No, wait, you specified it had to be lethal. Make that 'Personal anti-drug appearances by John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.' "—Greg Diamond

" 'A gangland-style hit on Seymour Hersh would.' Pressed to explain why, McCaffrey distracted reporters with a smoke bomb and disappeared down a secret corridor to the Czar Cave."—Matt Heimer

"The amazing (I'm a war criminal) technology (war crimes) of subliminal (war crimes) messaging (I confess) in Internet (drug war is a sham) banner ads."—Anthony Wright (similarly, Sean Cavanaugh and Josh Kamensky)

" 'Alienated gun-toting homicidal classmates'?"—Paul J. Davies

"Fears of getting drafted to fight in Colombia. Now, excuse me while I dash off to the Society of Friends to register my son as a Quaker."—Sheila Brennan

"Manly, rock-jawed military officers (ret'd)."—Peter Carlin

"A live, in-person, nighttime visit from scary ol' Chuck Heston will."—Larry Amoros

"The sacred teachings of the Tagi and Pagong tribes."—Barry Johnson (similarly Survivorish, Sara Weisensel)

"Talking camels in really phat gear who are playing POOL! Yes, right here in River City!"—Bill Cavanaugh

"Books about British kids in wizardry school. Man, those experts are worth every penny of that $3,500,000 we paid them!"—Adam Bonin (similarly, Gary Razier, Will Hester, and Dilan A. Esper)

"Bullfights and bear baiting."—Marshall Efron

"Gory shoot-'em-up arcade games."—Mark Romoser (similarly, Gary Frazier)

"Scary clowns."—Stuart Wade

"Ritalin-laced sports drinks."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Bill Bennett's books."—Paul Tullis (similarly, Steven Davis)

Self-Reference Corner
"News Kwiz for Kidz Answer: Barry McCaffrey is the gratist general evir!"—Adam Bonin

"Satirical online (justsaynojustsaynojustsayno) quizzes."—Tim Carvell (similarly, David Ballard)

"I've got nothing today. I guess I still haven't gotten over missing the News Quiz picnic."—Charles Star