"Whatever corporation it is, its first order of business should be finding a fire extinguisher and training it on Deb Magness."—David Finkle

" 'We are a nation that believes in free choice,' Magness continued, 'and if a child should decide to start smoking Philip Morris' new Pokémenthols, I think that that's his or her prerogative, as an American.' She then sprouted scaly wings and cloven hoofs and flew away."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Dola Nasr; even more similarly, Carl Dietrich; slightly less similarly but still with all the nicotine your family needs, Peter Carlin)

"The INS is going to announce a rule change under which minor aliens as young as 6 can apply for asylum over the objection of their parents."—Charles Star (similarly, Mark Flynn)

"New CBS promotion: You and a family member get to shoot Jeff Probst."—Adam Bonin

"NBC is going to start showing scrambled pornography from 7–9 on Saturday mornings."—Charles Star

"The Pentagon, dispirited, has decided to sell its vaunted missile-defense system to any kids who can scrape together $1.2 billion."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Peter Partheymuller)

"New fault-free divorce from your family—now in 42 states!!!"—Michael Nightingale (similarly, but more fatally, Josh Kamensky)

"Talk about the death of childhood. Children should not be exposed to phony-ass words like 'empowered' until they're at least 25 years old."—Mark Wade

"The LAPD is deputizing children as young as 12 in advance of August's Democratic National Convention. 'The kids' rubber bullets will be brightly colored,' Magness said, 'and will come in a variety of fruit flavors.' "—Jon Zerolnick

"Reading by 9, Driving by 12 (Ford)."—Josh Kamensky

"MSVisa. Each school child gets a $20,000 online credit balance."—Dan Dickinson (similarly, Dave Truax)

"Flintstones Chewable Viagra."—Jon Zerolnick (similarly, David L. Duncan and Josh Kamensky; all but identically, Will Vehrs, Greg Narver, and Benjamin Anderson)

"They will be holding a lottery to find the new basketball coach for North Carolina."—Pete Miesel

"Mattel. Introduce Militia Barbie. ('Math is hard. But defending your family against the usurpation of our God-given freedoms is easy!')"—Noah Meyerson

"Smith & Wesson and Tomy team up to produce 'My First Handgun,' the sidearm for kids!"—Jay Austin (similarly, Dola Nasr, Gus Robertson, John Landreth, Mark Shotzberger, John Tyrrell, Mark Romoser, Dan Dickinson, and Whitney Pastorek)

"Reading by 9, Fucking by 12 (Flynt Publications)."—Josh Kamensky

"Hurray! DuPont is finally making plastic explosives available right next to the gummi worms and bubble-gum bandages!"—Laura Hague

"Anheuser-Busch, through the power of recently-hired former lobbyists from the tobacco industry, is pushing legislation that would lower the drinking age to 12."—Brooke Saucier

"J.K. Rowling Inc: 'Did we say seven books? We meant 27 books!' "—Eric Berlin

"Heinz introduces intravenous condiments. 'Our syringes' unique track marks promise street-cred to kids nationwide,' Ms. Magness added."—Michele Siegel

"NECCO Wafer now peddled on reservations as NECCO Wager."—Peter O'Toole

"HBO is getting ready to air a version of The Sopranos with an all-preteen cast."—Sharon Dynek

"Archer Daniels Midland, in conjunction with the Human Genome Project, announces 'Children of the Corn.' "—Will Vehrs

"Two words: Disney porn."—Jon Salz

"Playboy for Kids, now in a new online edition."—Michael Doyle

"McDonald's is opening the first McSchool (TM) in Oak Brook, Ill."—Mark Romoser (similarly, but Nintendo School, Mark Wade)

"The SEC is allowing lemonade stands to go public for the first time."—Aaron Connelly

"A new biotechnology firm is offering a home genetic engineering kit for kids. In a just few easy steps you can re-engineer you parents and never have to worry about a curfew again!"—Mary Anne Townsend

"Disney is launching a fully functioning (but beta—caveat emptor!) child-sized version of the cute but heavily armed plane that projects kids into the future and permits them, when they discover that they will be certified accountants and dental hygienists in adult life, to exercise their right to blow their future selves away and become Bruce Willis instead."—Tamara Glenny

Oh, Dear, It's Dialect Humor Corner

"Now, Ah've got nothing against chil'ren, Ah own several as do most of mah frien's, but now some co'po'ation thinks it's Abraham Lincoln, next thing you know, one of 'em'll want to date my daughter!"—Scott Perkins

A Dark Eruption From T.G. Gibbon's Id Corner

"The only thing I wanted to be empowered to do as a child was transport myself instantly to anywhere, anyplace, at anytime throughout history. Now I just want to drink a Tom Collins from Joe Torre's bleached-white skull. No corporations ever fulfilled my childhood dream, but thanks to some clerical errors the Make-A-Wish Foundation now has a bounty out on Torre."

Self-Reference Corner

"Thanks to NAFTA, children will now be able to work for 50 cents an hour, just like I did when baby-sitting in 1972. And it damn sure built my character."—Greg Diamond

"Slate; release 'News Kwiz for Kids!' As I understand it, pint-sized hack answers will include 'booger!' and 'Ronald McDonald's ass.' "—Tim Carvell (similarly, T.G. Gibbon and Peter Partheymuller)

"Microsoft Corp. is going to allow News Quiz respondents to include references to penises in their answers."—Dilan Esper