"Mel Gibson was not alive during the Revolutionary War."—Francis Heaney

"Musket balls, when frozen during The Matrix sequence, revealed to actually be nothing more than gumballs painted silver."—Whitney Pastorek

"Thomas Jefferson did not meet Sally Hemings on a doomed ocean liner.—Adam Bonin

"The original Swamp Fox did not have a wisecracking sidekick, played by Joe Pesci."—Tim Carvell

"George W. Bush arrested for indecent exposure during Continental Congress? Didn't happen."—Michael Mannella

"Urkel did not make a cameo at the Boston Tea Party, nor did the robot Urkel cause wacky havoc when he accidentally fell in the harbor."—Jacob Stohler

"Bob Hope did not fight at Lexington."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Benedict Arnold did not invent egg sandwiches, much less deliver them to the Redcoats in the dead of night with a 30-minute-or-your-money-back guarantee."—Noah Meyerson

"Benedict Arnold did not leave Washington's army to work for Microsoft."—Mark Romoser

"Gen. Howe bore no resemblance whatsoever to Jennifer Love Hewitt."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Very few weapons of the Revolutionary War had laser sights."—Mark Shotzberger

"A Macintosh Powerbook is neither compatible with nor capable of uploading a virus onto alien-built computers. C'mon!"—Adam Bonin

"George Washington did not ride a Harley."—Mark Shotzberger

"The Monster.com blimp was not circling overhead the Continental Congress."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Most Revolutionary War-era farmers did not know kung fu."—Tim Carvell

"I've checked and looked this one up. The French and Indian War was not actually fought over who's better, Serge Gainsbourg or Cornershop. It's just not true."—Peter Partheymuller

"The Battle of Valley Forge was not conducted on a tiny fishing vessel as it climbed a 9-story-tall wall of water in the midst of some freakish meteorological event."—Tim Carvell

"Tom Paine's Common Sense was not distributed as an addendum to the paperback edition of Kosher Sex."—Charlie Glassenberg

"The Battle of Yorktown was not conducted as a musical number."—Tim Carvell

"In the weirdest product placement attempt ever, the Redcoats drank Samuel Adams. Not the beer, the actual Samuel Adams."—Mark Wade

"Even if the Billy Graham Parkway had been built in 1780, it isn't located in Williamsburg, Va. (It's in Charlotte, N.C.)"—Fred Petrick

"I want to say that they didn't have a working missile defense system back in 1776, but we don't have one now and the military claims we do, so I guess the American revolutionaries have just as much right to say they have one."—Francis Heaney