"I can't believe people in Montana would be so cruel to their cats just because they miss the litter box once."—Francis Heaney

"Rather than killing gray wolves, Montana residents have started showing them Sex and the City and they've stopped breeding on their own."—Greg Diamond

"Getting divorced."—Evan Serpick (Tim Carvell had a similar answer.)

"Anger management."—Whitney Pastorek

"Dining."—Benjamin Anderson

"Making love. Now it involves lasers and electric stuff."—Laura Miller (similarly, Peter Lerangis)

"Teaching fourth grade."—Larry Amoros

"Burying much-beloved dead comedians."—Adam Bonin

"Dissuading more Hollywood stars from buying ranches."—Brooke Saucier (similarly, Dawn Shurmaitis and Tim Carvell)

"Heroin chic trickles its way to Montana."—Matt Sullivan (similarly, Peter Carlin)

"Ensuring Pat Buchanan's nomination by the Reform Party."—George Strickler

"The Montana version of don't ask, don't tell?"—Dee Lacey

"The method by which the Boy Scouts of America rid themselves of openly gay members. The practice is restricted by license to members of the Montana Camping, Archery, and Fishing Association."—Elizabeth M. Cosin (similarly, Adam Bonin, Carl Dietrich, Will Vehrs, Kyle Fahrbach, Andrew Silow-Carroll, Steven Davis, Ariel Gilbert-Knight, and John Tyrrell)

"Applying the death penalty capriciously and then refusing to give press conferences about it. No, wait—of mainlining heroin at the beach and then taking a 'nap.' No, wait—of photographing fat people eating and then denying it. No, wait—of …"—Ellis Weiner

"Dealing with presidential candidates. Spam, anyone?"—Andrew Staples (similarly, but state and local politicians, W.S. Colt; local judges, Joe Janssen)

"Takin' care of Old Aunt Flo after she wills you them 500,000 acres that'd just be settin there anyways if you didn't do something about it."—Peter Lerangis

"Killing the members of the militia that show signs of 'softness.' The high-tech method involves aiming mind-control rays at the black helicopters the shadow government keeps sending around."—Monty Ashley

"Killing federal agents. The new disintegration ray leaves no pesky residue."—Francis Heaney (similarly, but sans death ray, Charles Star and Joe Hawk; mais avec laser-guided missiles, Justin Ferrari; lethal injection, Dilan Esper)

"… their obstreperous neighbors."—David Finkle

"… the elderly."—Matt Sullivan

"… Vince Foster."—Doug Turnbull

"… their mother-in-law."—Mark Shotzberger

"… them Jews."—Jon Hotchkiss

"… pesky Mormons."—Dan Dickinson

"… atheists?"—Steve Kiefer

"… annoying pets, census workers, nosy neighbors, lost hikers."—Michael Levy

"Disposing of fireworks casualties. Residents now decide in advance who will be the one to die (à la Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery"), and they are simply strapped to the largest firework available. No mess, no fuss."—Deborah Wassertzug

"I heard about this while watching Fishing With the Unabomber on the Sundance Channel the other day."—Pete Miesel

"Destroying evidence after botched ATF operations."—Ray Hastings

"I don't know, but Scorsese and the Coen brothers are battling over the rights to the story."—Peter Lerangis

"Montana? I thought that practice was native to Brooklyn ... and introduced to Las Vegas."—Ben Kirkup (similarly, but Seacaucus, Josh Kamensky)

"Please explain what a 'high-tech alternative' is in Montana. Ted Kaczynski was considered dangerously progressive for using the U.S. Postal Service to his off-the-grid neighbors."—Charles Star

"Accidental firearm-related deaths now replaced by high-tech militia-sponsored firearm-related deaths."—Ariel Gilbert-Knight

"The first rule of the Shooting and Shoveling Club is you don't talk about the Shooting and Shoveling Club."—Francis Heaney

" 'Of being a post-Princess Di paparazzo.' (Say that five times fast!)"—Erik Newson

"Sounds like hanging up the cell phone while driving ... or a reasonable facsimile thereof."—Anthony Lohn

"Conveying signatures."—Sandra Kurlander

"Giving the e-Miranda."—Scott Pollino

"Whatever it is, it looks like the Freemen started something."—Fred Petrick

"Using injectible steroids to improve one's performance at county fair pie-eating contests."—Greg Diamond

"Insert homoerotic banter of your choice; i.e., 'digital rectal games,' 'writhing pelvic thrusting undulation,' et cetera ad nauseum."—Perry Dorrell

"Woo-hoo! No penis-free zone has been declared! My answer: Backwoods masturbation. The Internet had to come to Montana eventually. Thank you, drive safely."—Tim Lowell (similarly, Ed Page, Anthony Wright, and Steve Kiefer)

"Disposing of the S&M sex partners they found on the Internet."—Todd Serencha

"Is the 'penis-free zone' invoked for this question? Those Montanans get really upset if you talk about their sheep."—Kurt E Irwin

"Why is it against the law to wear anything but 501 jeans in Montana? Because the sound of a zipper will stampede 50 million sheep. Bwahahahaha … (I`ll go quietly officer.)"—Kurt E Irwin

"New low-water-use toilets will end the need for water-saving 'Flush-Free Fridays.' "—Paul Canniff (similarly, Carl Dietrich, Dee Lacey, and Michael Maiello)