"Is that Tommy Lee already out on parole?"—David Ballard

"He doesn't want Fidel to get Elián's Game Boy."—Dan Dickinson

"Hopped up on a sugar-and-caffeine high from 'The Real Thing,' Coke-crazed North Korean troops smash allied defenses, retake Seoul. (Just don't show John McCain a deck of cards, that's all I'm saying.)"—Evan Cornog

"If the North Koreans get their hands on the Brylcreem we plan to supply to the South, the Communists will be able to smooth Kim Jong-il's unruly hair into a slick helmet that equals D.J. Kim's, thereby demoralizing the South into final surrender."—Ben Heller

"Gorton's 'No Super Soakers for the Wilkins Twins' bill (S. 1299) makes his concerns clear. 'Those blasted kids won't terrorize the neighborhood again this summer,' Gorton muttered, peering from behind a lace-curtained window, nude."—Peter O'Toole

"Those are Army Frisbees. They are not toys."—Francis Heaney

"I don't think he has to worry—if they're U-Haul trucks, they're probably not going to be there at the time we had reserved anyway."—Greg Diamond

"Linda Tripp and her tape recorder have moved to Colombia?"—Jack Hitt

"That's an unfortunate thing to say about wiring inner-city schools to the Internet."—Anthony Wright

"The gun from Charlton Heston's cold, dead hand. As if."—Andrew Staples

"Slade Gorton: We must get the equipment back from the rebels! Flash Gorton: But without the equipment, how will we defeat Ming the Merciless? Slade Gorton: Flash, I am your father. Flash Gordon: I tricked you—I spell my name with a 'd.' "—Jon Zerolnick & Josh Kamensky

"His cod-slicing machines, he fears, will be copied and used by that bitch Mrs. Paul to gain market share in the multibillion-dollar fish-stick industry."—Brooke Saucier

"A new type of quick-reloading musket. Although frankly, I don't see how the Civil War exactly counts as 'news.' "—Tim Carvell

"Oh boy. The Republican Party has switched to using the 'Salad Shooter' to cut off Medicaid to old people. Bastards!"—Jon Hotchkiss

"Polygraph; House Republicans; appointment of independent counsels."—David Feige

"Spatulas and Toaster Cozies. The Vassar Men's Glee Club. Don't ask."—Larry Amoros

"In a drug-induced state, the senator was having a flashback to Vietnam ... or Nicaragua ... or Burma ... or Somalia."—Anthony Wright

"Can't you people just leave Napster alone?"—Mark Wade

"Oh, hell, Gorton. If the Shas Party wants weapons, let them have weapons."—Kim Day

"UNLV got ahold of some new sneaker technology. Go, Rebels!"—Josh Kamensky

"Chalk one up to those politicians on Microsoft's payroll: They never miss a chance to fret that a browserless version of Windows might end up at the Department of Justice and be found useful."—David Salzman

"Specious, but rhetorically effective criticisms of Noam Chomsky's political writing, used by rebels as a torture device when sung over Eminem's latest beats."—Al Cloutier

"He's worried about the United States' secret frozen-yogurt machines falling into the hands of rebel Baskin-Robbins employees, escalating the current soft-serve ice cream vs. frozen yogurt battle."—Joe Hawk

"First-aid kits will be improperly used to perform involuntary sex-change operations on the enemies."—Rose White

"The 'normal' Boy Scouts' finely whittled sticks must never fall into the hands of the gay Boy [Scout]. Ahem."—Jason L. Bakke

"Now that Mach III has fallen in to the hands of the Colombian Marxists, Gorton feels they may start to lose the three-day stubble that stands between them and popular legitimacy."—Jon Zerolnick & Josh Kamensky

"Gott im Himmel. 'Slate' Gorton ('Flash' Gorton's evil nephew) has uncovered Daimler's plan to build the new P.T. (peoples transport) Cruiser in Graz, Austria. Those rebel VW Bug aficionados will surely defect in droves to cruise the autobahns und strassen in those infernal U.S. machines. Acch, it's Yogi Berra all over undgain ..."—Ian O'Henley

"The GI Joe doll with the 'Kung Foo Grip!' "—Mark Shotzberger

Self-Reference Corner

"Put me down for a 'similarly' for anyone who asks for a 'similarly' on someone else who asks for a 'similarly' who asks for a ..."—Francis Heaney

"Top-fermenting yeast, which could be used by the EU to turn the British lager louts into—wait, I thought Peter G. Eipers said they already drank ale in Britain, so that doesn't make any sense. Could you hold this spot for me while I go back and read that explanation again?"—Greg Diamond

"Bob Hope's Enchanted Remains. Randy, I'm going to milk this cow until it's as dry as a BYU freshman mixer."—Adam Bonin

"He fears that the rebels will use light artillery to teach proper blow-job technique ...with Mathletics! Za-zing!"—Francis "Let He Who Is Without Inexplicable Running Gags Cast the First Stone" Heaney (Colin Rafferty, Mark Wade, and Pete Miesel had similar answers.)

"Is it male or female? Oops, I just had a What's My Line flashback from my childhood. Please send money to the Dietrich Fund to end this embarrassing illness. Preferably small denominations of unmarked bills. Thanks a bunch!"—Carl Dietrich