"Proportion of psychological counseling provided by unqualified reactionary harpies with their own radio shows."—Greg Diamond

"Male celebrities flying airplanes."—Matt Sullivan

"I don't know what tipped off the WHO, but when a doctor with the name 'Earl' embroidered over the pocket of his greasy lab coat replaced my ailing uncle's liver with a Fram oil filter, I knew something wasn't quite right."—Lori Geddes

"Beard length of oft-quoted national 'alternative health guru.' "—Neal Pollack

"Percentage of sickeningly obese people talking on cell phones while driving domestically produced land boats."—Michael Stern

"The WHO is rating health systems?! What nerve! Pete Townsend can't even hear, and Tommy's a deaf dumb and blind kid!"—Vincent Basehart (Michael Maiello, David Oakes, Josh Kamensky, John Tyrrell, Steven Davis, and Sharon Dynek had similar answers.)

"Controversy surrounded the WHO decision to drop the windsurfing competition. 'That's where we make up points for the inequity-of-care thing,' said AMA President Dr. Thomas Reardon. 'We got screwed.' "—Jason Ross

"Percentage of sex reassignment surgeries performed unintentionally. (As the entire male demographic of News Quiz goes into an involuntary 'protective crouch' response.)"—Deborah Guy

"'Forty points deducted for having invented squeezable Cheez Whiz in a bottle."—John Fries (similarly, Jon Drumwright and Josh Kamensky)

"Theme restaurants per thousand people."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Domestic sales of Celine Dion, Shania Twain, and Britney Spears. 'Cause doesn't that make you sick?"—Andrew Staples

"Number of citizens buried with the aid of a forklift."—Peter O'Toole

"Degree of deference to French-speaking world organizations."—David Salzman

"Size of doctors' index fingers. And don't pretend like you don't know exactly what I mean."—Greg Diamond

"Number of Harry and Louise ads per 1,000 facelifts."—Will Vehrs

"Our unfortunately high ratio of breast implants to child immunizations."—Jason Bakke

"Ratio of plastic surgeons to real doctors."—Mark Romoser

"Affordability: Some charged that the salaries of ER stars were mistakenly factored in, but that would have skewed down the average doctor's pay."—Matt Twomey

"How many levels of Doom must patients complete before the receptionist will let them into the waiting room?"—Francis Heaney

"I'll enter a plea of 'similarly' for anything involving Hugh Hefner."—Dave Donovan

"Do you permit 'doctors' trained in offshore medical 'schools' to treat patients?"—Charles Star

"They included the death penalty."—Alfa-Betty Olsen

"Just a damn minute. We have the healtiest and best fed death-row inmates of any nation on earth. Not ONE of them has ever died. We have to KILL them for crissake."—Dan Dickinson

"Most famous doctor: Dr. Dre?"—Adam Bonin

"Availability of bidets."—Daniel Kahn

"Our depleted blood supply and Keith Richards/U.S. resident ... coincidence?"—Ellen Macleay

"Because only celebrities like Liza Minnelli and Elizabeth Taylor can truly afford to have a hip replaced after a fall in the bedroom."—Darrell Waterman

"Proximity to other countries with cheaper drug prices."—Will Vehrs

"Who cares? We beat Cuba! By one whole ranking! Take that, you big babies! The kid should stay here!"—Josh Kamensky (similarly, but Slovenia, Mark Wade)

"Not showing people on television eating rats, for God's sake."—Greg Diamond

"Number of vultures hovering outside the hospitals."—Francis Heaney

"The informative value of drug advertising."—Jason Ross (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"Number of copies of Ladies' Home Journal in waiting room less than 2 years old with three or fewer missing pages."—Merrill Markoe (similarly, Doug Lach)

"Probability of being drenched with water and stripped and/or having your limousine pelted with debris while at a public celebration."—Charlie Glassenberg

Self-Reference Corner

"The fact that we allowed my college roommate Billy to become a physician. Sweden has higher standards, I assure you."—Michael Stern

"Prostitutes use of proper blow-job technique. You could say we scored 37 on 69 (although it's not really '69,' I know, I know …)."—John Hanson

"Help us, Josh Kamensky! Can you use the Vulcans to get us past Costa Rica, Dominica, and Denmark on this list using Mathletics?"—Mark Wade (similarly, Steven Davis)

"Does anyone besides me feel that we should probably curtail both the 'proper blow-job technique' and the 'Mathletics' motifs before they merge? Need I remind people of what happened when 'Strom Thurmond's ass' met 'the dawn monkey'?"—Greg Diamond