"Too bad it's only one sentence. The second sentence would have to add, 'Then, we are going to have to go north.' "—Dan Dickinson

"Southern Methodist to bed, Southern Baptist to wed."—Benjamin Anderson

"We're gonna drill the pants off their basins. That goes for Dr. Laura, too."—Barbara Lippert

"If you let women lead the congregation, who is going to keep the women out? Them? Not bloody likely."—Scott Mathias

"We no longer think that women who choose to vote are sinning."—Aleta Kalkstein (Beth Sherman had a similar answer.)

"When giving instructions to a prostitute about your fellatio preferences, speak in a loud, clear voice, because prostitutes have notoriously bad hearing."—Francis Heaney

"I don't have time for fine-tuning right now, so I'll just ask for a similarly for anything to do with instructing hookers in proper blow-job technique."—Lori Geddes (similarly on a similarly—oh, man, it's like so cosmic, no, po-mo; no, cosmic—Deborah Guy, Laura Hague, and Kathy Whitesel)

"Duh ... a duh ... ah say, a duhh Disneyland is fu ... fu ... full of buh buh ... babes. huh?"—Daniel Kahn (similarly, John Fo-Fo-Foster, Michael Maiello, Steve Kiefer, Greg Diamond, Rose White, Jim O'Grady, Jon Zerolnick, James O'Grady, Mark Romoser, John J. Edwards III, Greg Narver, Jeff Brax, and Ben Kirkup)

"We are mother pheasant pluckers, we pluck mother pheasants, and we are the best mother pheasant pluckers that ever plucked a mother pheasant!"—John Styme

"Women: Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, can't let 'em be pastors, can't let 'em have sex, can't let 'em go to Disneyland, can't let 'em not obey their husbands, can't let 'em have abortions, can't let 'em have no fancy-pants careers, can't—well, you get the idea. Amen."—Ellis Weiner

"Woman needs man, and man must have his mate, that no one hoping to be ordained can deny."—Ken Novak

"Women: bake-sale committee? Yes. Pastor? No."—Alex Pascover

"Get thee behind me, Christina Aguilera."—Francis Heaney

"The real question is, who ditched the boycott and went to Disney World afterward?"—Anthony Wright

"Us Tarzan, you Jane."—Richard Nikonovich-Kahn and Whitney Pastorek

"It's actually just an amalgam of punch lines from various blonde jokes. And not even that funny, really. And more of a run-on sentence, anyhow."—Jon Zerolnick

"God, man; Jesus, man; apostles, men; archangels, men; old prophets, men; Satan, looks good in red—any coincidence?"—Tony Vila

"God gave them smaller feet so they can stand closer to the sink."—David Oakes (similarly, Kevin Coombs)

"If this van's a rockin' don't bother knockin'!"—Daniel Radosh

"One tap on the shoulder means I hear someone coming; two taps means let's switch to 'drill the basin.' "—Mark Terry

"Warning: Associating with women may lead to premarital sex, which may in turn lead to dancing."—Matt Sullivan

"To reach the kingdom of heaven, the modern Baptist woman need possess only these qualities: shoelessness, conspicuous fertility, and habitation of the meal preparation area."—Steven Davis

"Minnie Mouse may not be ordained as a minister of the Baptist faith."—Carrie Rickey

"In a loud and surprisingly stammer-free voice, the Rev. Rogers shouted 'HEY BABY, NICE GAMS!' "—Pete Miesel

"Fat-bottomed girls, they make the rockin' world go round."—Josh Kamensky

"Yeah, you know, I think that collar WOULD make you look fat."—Jon Drumwright

"Do I know you from somewhere?"—Cliff Schoenberg

"Women, keep 'em at home and on their knees."—Scott Pollino

"Nuts to you broads."—Perry Dorrell

"Fuck dem bitches."—David Feige (similarly, Jon Zerolnick, Mark Romoser, and MC Hammer—as a reference not a participant, but wouldn't it be cool if … oh screw it)

"No woman, no cry."—Pete Miesel

"Women suck."—John Tyrrell

"Women ... every man should own one."—Aleta Kalkstein

"Who the hell knows? The man was speaking in tongues."—Greg Diamond

"Women cannot be preachers, nor can they assume any role which places them above a man as they will spread their cooties."—Mark Shotzberger

"I have no idea, but I can only pray it starts out 'We're sucked.' Oh. Wait! And maybe includes 'drill the pants off' as well."—Dan Dickinson

"Girls, all I really want is girls, and in the morning it's girls, cause in the evening it's girls; I like the way that they walk, and it's chill to hear them talk, and I can always make 'em smile, from White Castle to the Nile (Nile Nile Nile Nile); ... girls—to do the dishes, girls—to clean up my room, girls—to do the laundry, girls—and in the bedroom, girls, that's all I really want is girls!"—Alex Pascover

Self-Reference Corner

" 'Women … za-zing!' (He's a Greg Diamond fan)."—Aleta Kalkstein

"Canadians, Southern Baptists, Republican senators, Republicans again, Southern Baptists again ... WE NEED NEW TARGETS."—Deborah Wassertzug (Canadian oil drilling, project 2dF, people milling about like a herd of antelope, perpetual motion machines, antibiotic resistant bacteria, FDA meat inspections, and my Uncle Milt—I do and do and do for you people!—Ed.)

"Just as 'penis' does not rhyme with 'between us', neither does 'clitoris' rhyme with 'Doris.' "—Rose White (Fortunately, "clitoris" does rhyme with "Rose White: Bitter is," sort of.—Ed.)

"And for the record, who the hell told Carvell he could take the day off?"—Josh Kamensky

"Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-za Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-zing!"—Peter O'Toole