"Angelina Jolie's lips, to be used as an anti-missile shield over North America."—Vincent Basehart

"The Lott-Cochranator. 'It's like part spoon and part fork!' crowed the senators. 'I'm sorry,' replied patent office, 'Sen. Spork, D-Wash., has beaten you two to the punch once again.' "—Josh Kamensky

"I knew we shouldn't leave those two in a room alone together!"—Aleta Kalkstein

"Patents? But … but this implies that you can own an idea ... own property! But this was outlawed in the Fourth International Revolutionary Congress years ago! Aw geez, has the United States failed to ratify this, too?"—Jon Zerolnick

"Mrs. Lott's pineapple upside-down cake. 'I was over at his house one night,' Cochran later recalled, 'and I was polishing off my second piece of cake, and I said, "Mrs. Lott, this pineapple upside-down cake is so tasty, you should have it patented!" And the next day I go into work, and there's the bill on my desk, with my name attached as co-sponsor. And, you know, what are you gonna do? Tell him no?' "—Tim Carvell

"That 'Immortality Contraption' they stumbled across in Strom Thurmond's basement."—David Kent Watson

"Does this have something to do with having one of those blunt, single-syllable first names that seem to be invented wholly for the use of suburban white guys?"—Peter Carlin

"The young, blond, reactionary political commentator with more breast than brain."—Greg Diamond

"The Civil Rights Act of 1965. That way, it would have expired in 17 years."—Mark Wade

"I don't think the courts are going to buy the idea that 'The Al Gore Insomnia Cure' is really an invention."—Steven Davis

"The perpetual attaching-contrarian-riders-to-otherwise-decent-legislation machine."—Josh Kamensky

"The Heathen Defense System. Appears that there are a whole lot of unsaved people walking around, posing grave danger to those who have been saved."—Deborah Wassertzug

"A Decency Detector. It can spot and smite any sense of compassion A hand-held, battery-powered gadget that slices, dices, and privatizes."—Josh Kamensky

"Within minutes of its detection."—Larry Amoros (Mark Shotzberger had a similar answer.)

"The Impervious to Shame Shield invented by their pal Al D'Amato."—Michael Doyle

"The spring-loaded congressional investigation. The plan failed, in the wake of impeachment, when it became clear that Sen. Lott would not refrain from, whenever possible, sniggeringly characterizing it as a 'booby trap.' "—Greg Diamond

"The wheel. Duhhhh."—Winter Miller and Dwight Lemke

"The tin-can-and-string hookup they have between their two offices."—Tom Tegtmeyer

"Mississippi's Federal Government Money Grubbing Machine."—Carl Dietrich

"A perpetual soft-money-powered attack machine."—Dilan Esper (similarly, Jack Craypo and Michael Doyle)

"The senators in conjunction with Hustler mogul Larry Flynt hoped to combine junk science with adult entertainment: The Perpetual Motion Lotion Machine."—Pete Miesel

"The Logroller 5000."—Ed Page

"A national missile-defense system? Oh, wait, never mind. They just want to spend billions on that nonworking technology; they don't necessarily want to patent it."—Jesse Oxfeld

"The Bill-Clinton-Scandal-Producer. Oh, wait, that's Bill Clinton."—Dola Nasr

"It's an interesting story. Some physicists at Ole Miss figured out a way to harness the mystical creative powers of the Ruler of the Universe, containing this tremendous, unparalleled force in a physical repository so that it could be called upon as desired—say, to provide for all our energy needs. Surprisingly, though, the U.S. patent office rejected the application, asserting that the technology was based on principles that were already commonly known and used elsewhere. In the words of the report by the officer assigned to the case, Miss Nina Simone, 'Everybody knows about Mississippi God-dam.' "—Greg Diamond

Self-Reference Corner

"Hey, this the second science topic this week. I'm surprised PBS hasn't sued for monopoly violations."—Steven Davis

"How many Al Gore/Internet jokes did you get on this one?"—Jon Drumwright (similarly, Mark Wade and John Tyrrell)

"The poor fools never realized the 'Clever Answer Quiz' concept had already been patented by the folks at the Washington Post Style Invitational. (ZA-ZING! Thought it was self-reference time, didn't ya?)"—Owen Rodgers (Za-zing?—Ed.)