"Nun wrestling."—Tim Carvell

"Annual Have an Abortion—on Us! Week."—Dola Nasr

"Pope John Paul II's pre-funeral kegger."—Francis Heaney (Lori Geddes had a similarly beery answer.)

"Rutelli has set a moratorium on all Picka-the-Next-Pope betting pools. 'I don' wanna hurta the guys a-feelings,' said Rutelli, unaware that Italians don't actually talk like that."—Josh Kamensky

"The Giuliani family reunion."—Katha Pollitt

"The All Nude Pope Look-Alike Contest."—Paul C. Whalen

"The mayor's actions have put a damper on the World's Largest All-Nude Hoedown. Especially with the sheer effort it took to move it from Prince William County, Va."—Pete Miesel

"The relocated 'Princeton Nude Olympics.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"Bishop Buggering Day."—Larry Amoros

"The Sophia Loren Fuckfest."—Stuart Wade

"Fuck Christ 2000."—Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"Benito Mussolini Human Piñata Contest."—Stuart Wade (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg and Marty Byrne)

"The annual 'Asking Forgiveness for World War II Compliance With the Nazis' parade."—Erik Newson (similarly, Rose White)

"Open casting for Being John O'Connor, an art-house film about quirky crypt-keepers finding eternal life in the catacombs of St. Patrick's."—Peter Lerangis

"The all-cardinal staging of La Cage Aux Folles."—Aleta Kalkstein

"Grand opening of the refurbished Budweiser Colosseum."—Dan Dickinson

"Gladiator, the musical."—Scott Pollino (similarly, Andrew Staples)

"Caligulapalooza."—Stuart Wade (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg)

"Crack Whore-palooza."—Jon Hotchkiss (similar only in its paloozaness, Karen Bitterman)

"The Republican National Convention."—Arthur Stock

"The new flea market: Indulgence in July—Anything Goes, for a Price!"—Steven Davis

"The new Pepsi challenge. 'Betchya can't tell the REAL blood of Christ from our new and improved Crystal Pepsi!' (In the name of taste, I'll refrain from discussing the tie-in with Hostess.)"—Noah Meyerson

"Give Up Your Cell Phone Week because if Jesus were in Rome, he would need it to stay connected to his Posse of Apostles."—Todd York

"Although the spectacle would have been amazing, The Stations of John C. Holmes might have been a tad inappropriate."—Pete Miesel

"Christians vs. Lions 2000."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Joe Hawk, John Tyrrell, and Chris Lipe)

"The gladiatorial battle between George W. 'Commodus' Bush and Al 'Maximus' Gore to take place at the Colosseum in lieu of political conventions."—Carrie Rickey (similar contest, different contestants, Ed Page)

"That irrepressible Cretian bacchanal, the Annual Triathlon of Labyrinth Navigation, Minotaur Dueling, and All-You-Can-Eat Barbecue."—Kathy Whitesel

"It looks like the debut of the new gay porn movie roMEN Holiday will have to wait until next year."—Peter G. Eipers

"Well, I guess the First Annual Sopranos Fan Convention is off."—Sharon Dynek (similarly, Scott White)

"The annual 'How Many People Can Have an Orgy in the Back of a Fiat?' contest.—Michael Maiello

"The National Spelling Bee. (Hey, he's cranky and he's infallible, what are you gonna do about it?)"—Gary Drevitch

"The annual mob-induced garbage collectors' strike."—Britton J. Wingfield (similarly, Deborah Wassertzug)

"The 52^nd Annual Condom Wrap Race."—Carl Dietrich

"The Wet Habit Contest at Rossi's Burgers near the Spanish Steps."—Josh Kamensky (all but identically, Gary Drevitch)

"The 'Rope-a-Pope' event at the spaghetti western rodeo."—Mark Romoser (similarly, but "Ride-a-Pope," Jeff Driscoll)

"Throw-the-fruit-at-old-polish-guys-day."—Daniel Krause

"The popular Papal Dunking Booth at the Tiber County 4-H Fair."—Mark Romoser

Self-Reference Corner

"The World Series of Bocce in Rome, N.Y.! Although I think it's in August, and it has nothing to do with the pope, but Rome, N.Y., is my hometown, and we never get mentioned on the news for anything not involving mass arson."—Chris Lipe

"But it's become a family tradition for us all to bundle into the car, bring a picnic dinner and sparklers, and watch the fireworks in Rome. Now where are we gonna go for my father to give me the drunken lecture about patriotism?"—Jon Zerolnick