"Because everyone knows that meat doesn't grow on plants."—Benjamin Anderson (Jill Pope, Ellis Weiner, Peter Lerangis, Antony Altbeker, Robin Beckhard James, Doug Sheppard, Charles R. Clack, Jon Drumwright, Alex Pascover, Benjamin Anderson had similar answers.)

"Judge Fish has struck down PETA's argument that meat has a constitutional right to privacy and due process."—Britton Wingfield

"He was ticked off by the white lab coats worn by inspectors. 'What are they testing,' asked Fish, 'superconducting cows?' "—Alex Pascover

"If the bun doesn't fit, you must acquit."—Mark Romoser

"Because USDA's new 'lick and rub' system was causing too many problems in the plant."—Michael Doyle

"The 'fuck-and-run' test wasn't making anyone any friends."—Josh Kamensky

"Poke-and-sniff not as good as pinch-and-lick."—Anthony Wright

"If it's a good enough method for choosing a mate, it's good enough for choosing a meal."—Karen Cumming

"Put me down for 'similarly' on anything that involves two overweight, desperate, and lonely teen-agers, Don and Amber, in the back of a 1983 Monte Carlo SS parked on the shoulder of an isolated stretch of interstate in rural Iowa on an overly humid July night in 1989."—T.G. Gibbon

"I have no idea, but I'm doubling my contribution to the Texas secessionists this year. The sooner they're out of here, the better!"—Sharon Stern

"It's not that he's a Luddite, it's that he's a Luddite who loves the tangy taste of maggots."—Greg Diamond

"His idea is, 'Let 'em eat Fish!' (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)"—Alfa-Betty Olsen

"Kreuzfelt and Jacob said so."—David Finkle

"The new standards didn't cover 'road kill,' a Texas staple."—Dwight Leek

"Grading meat encouraged competition and self-esteem issues among the animals. In the future, livestock will be asked to evaluate itself."—Beth Sherman

"The meat-packing people were not read their Miranda rights; but that is a different story."—Sandra Kurlander

"Meat plant workers got really annoyed by inspectors leaning over their shoulder and asking, 'Is that rat feces? Is that? Is that?' "—Doug Sheppard

" 'I don't care what they say,' Fish announced. 'I'm not accepting Oprah as chief beef inspector, no way, no how.' "—Tim Carvell (similarly, Doug Sheppard)

"Under what grounds? He installed a video camera to actually see Upton Sinclair spin in his grave."—Anthony Wright (similarly, Francis Heaney)

"There were no standards, only a faded VHS of Giant."—Winter Miller

"Chuck, mostly. But it all smelled like chazerei to Judge Fish."—Peter Lerangis

"Poke and sniff? Meat plants? JOE FISH? For God's sake, don't send me the answers to this one. I just don't want to know."—Andrew Solovay

"A suck-up for a Supreme Court seat, hoping that all George W.'s campaign needs this summer to put him over the top is a good old-fashioned salmonella outbreak."—Mark Wade

"That the inspectors refused to call him 'Miss Joe Thing, Prettiest Judge in the Lone Star State' (at least in public)."—Larry Amoros

"The judge's name being Fish, he felt the feds were salmonella-insensitive."—Carrie Rickey

"Probably had something to do with the USDA's refusal to hire his cousin, Joe Meat."—Richard Primoff

"And one more crack about my name, buddy, and I'll find you in contempt and slap your sorry ass in jail. I'll give you 'Meat before Fish' ... case closed!"—Jon Snow

"Judge Fish happens to like judging meat by the tried-and-true poke 'n' sniff system. And I'll bet he likes judging women the same way."—Deborah Wassertzug (similarly, but with high-school prom nostalgia, Francis Heaney)

"Must have been retribution for his nasty bout of salmonella from an overlooked shipment of tainted pork rinds. Paybacks are a bitch."—Deborah Guy

"Because with the new sniff-and-poke standards—they found that if you sniff first, at times you lose the urge to poke."—John Tyrrell

"According to the judge, there is no such thing as disease, all sickness is God's way of punishing you for your sins."—Mark Shotzberger

"In related news, 80 percent of writers for The Tonight Show believed 'the poke-and-sniff system' referred to an imaginary Bill Clinton/George W. Bush ticket. And a full 100 percent of Kevin Eubanks found that to be quite cold."—Peter O'Toole

"Dubya's handlers say-so. Asked to comment, the candidate mouthed platitudes and searched the room desperately for a teleprompter."—Jon Drumwright

"So what we have here is Fish, poke and sniff, meat, and inspection. This is what Michelangelo must have felt like when he faced a blank three-ton slab of marble. So much material, so little time."—Dola Nasr

"This sounds a little too much like the beginning of a Steve Guttenberg movie."—T.G. Gibbon

Self-Reference Corner

"On the grounds that the last time News Quiz participants had a chance to trade jokes about the phrase 'poke-and-sniff,' it was all the way back in October 1998, and we've come up with plenty of good ones since then. For instance, there is this: Perhaps poking and sniffing are things that might be done during some sort of sex act, yes?"—Tim Carvell

" Poke-and-sniff? Joe Fish? I'm surprised you didn't invoke a 'vagina-free zone.' "—Steven Davis