"Alec Guinness, supposedly describing John Gielgud's voice, after Bartlett's invoked the penis-free zone."—Charles Star

"Jiang Zemin, describing the gifts proffered to U.S. representatives before Wednesday's trade vote, leaving out the part about the wad of thousand-dollar bills."—Brooke Saucier

"The Neiman Marcus Christmas 2000 catalog is out already?"—Laura Hague

"Hillary declared New York a penis-free zone months ago. Rudy only wishes."—Ian O'Henley

"I don't care how John Travolta describes it, Battlefield Earth still sucked."—Jon Zerolnick

"It's either Al Gore describing a chrome trumpet muffled in rayon, or George W. describing a tin trumpet muffled in burlap."—Greg Diamond (Dola Nasr had a similar answer.)

"Please—not Sting with his miracles-of-tantric-sex thing again."—Barbara Lippert

"Gov. George Pataki, describing either the haunting summer song of the swan or the singing voice of Rick Lazio."—Charlie Glassenberg

"A diplomatic Tony Blair, chivalrously describing the voice of Cherie Booth, his rabble-rousing mate and fishwife."—Dola Nasr

"An incompetent new verse translation of Dante's Inferno uses this phrase for '... e del cul fece trombetta.' Dante had no comment. (This reply originally prepared for the Italian Translators' News Quiz, which takes place in a parallel universe, but its Webmaster is on strike, as usual.)"—Deborah Wassertzug

"Elián González—in beaded gown—doing his One Boy tribute to Cleo Laine."—Larry Amoros

"Filipino hostage-takers describing one particularly perddy Filipino hostage."—Jon Hotchkiss

"China, according to a teary-eyed President Clinton. 'Whoever said that "riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma" thing had an inadequate grasp of foreign policy.' "—Andrew Silow-Carroll

"A Beverly Hills 'surgeon to the stars,' describing just one of the 'many, many things that Marlon Brando has accidentally ingested.' "—Tim Carvell

"Oh, gosh, so sadly, it was that Herbalife guy just before he died last week at 45, promoting his new 'bowel empowerer.' "—Barbara Lippert

"All right, I won't mention either Judi Nathan or Rudy Giuliani. Instead I'll say it's Wynton Marsalis waxing metaphorical about the new Rose jazz rooms."—David Finkle

"A grateful Hillary, describing Rudy's prostate."—Beth Sherman

"I have no idea, but one could argue that a trumpet more closely resembles a vagina. Then again, I think a lot of things resemble a vagina, so don't take my word for it."—Tim Lowell

"Fiona Apple is either describing her new album or boyfriend Paul Thomas Anderson."—Pete Miesel

"Monica Lewinsky's romanticization of her toothbrush."—Carl Dietrich

"If only it was something a little slimmer—like a flute perhaps—that was wrapped in silk, it would be Kate Moss describing herself at the Paris fashion shows."—John Tyrrell (similarly, Carl Dietrich)

"Donald Trump describes some 'second-rate' sculpture he saw in Paris. Inspired to 'show those frogs how things should be done,' he has commissioned 'a 24-karat gold tuba, positively smothered in silk. And the silk has a bunch of gold in it too.' "—Noah Meyerson

"Martha Stewart suggests simple gifts you can make yourself to showcase the panhandling musicians in your neighborhood."—John Graybill

"The design for the Louisiana state quarter, due out in 2002. (Personally, I think they should have stuck with the guy barfing in the gutter on Bourbon Street.)"—Mark Romoser

Flatulence Reference Corner

"Talk magazine's exquisitely obsequious Christopher Connelly, describing what it sounds like after Angelina Jolie has had extra helpings of the three-bean salad."—Tim Carvell (similarly, but Rudy Giuliani, Richard Nikonovich-Kahn)

"T.S. Elliot, on the Queen Mum's flatulence."—Michael Doyle

"X's farts, where X represents some elegant female celebrity. Or maybe X = Strom Thurmond."—Thomas Weiner

Selena Roberts Reference Corner

"New York Times basketball writer Selena Roberts, describing, I think, Latrell Sprewell's jump shot, although I can't be certain."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Greg Narver)

"Chris Childs' jump shot, according to Selena Roberts. Also, Jeff Van Gundy's Game 2 strategy, Walt Frazier's speaking voice, and Allan Houston's sore ankle."—Andrew Silow-Carroll (and Larry Byrd's special motivational toy, Tim Race)

"The buzzer that sounds when the 24-second clock expires, according to Selena Roberts."—Thomas Weiner

"Of course everyone is going to answer 'Selena,' but what no one will guess is that she was describing a silver trumpet wrapped in silk, in a rare fit of literalness."—Francis Heaney

Self-Reference Corner

"I have no idea but I'm definitely using the description the next time I write to 'Penthouse Forum.' "—Shannon Deegan

"I thought Hingis' daughter was named Martina."—Gary Wesler

"The Paladin Press catalog, describing 'the ultimate in high-fashion deadly weapons.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"I know that today is a penis-free zone, but I have to say that the 'muffled in silk' thing doesn't work and happily announce that we're expecting!! God willing, and if a boy, little Randy Wade should be coming in late January 2001. Of course we're naming him after he who has brought us such entertainment over the last several years, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage."—Mark Wade

"Gosh, Randy, I didn't know you were a charter subscriber to Lucky."—Alison Rogers

"That was my mother describing her Mother's Day present. But you really don't get the full impact without hearing the disappointed and confused tone in her voice beneath the false cheeriness."—Francis Heaney

"Rose White, describing the exquisite laparoscopic instruments used to delicately pluck her inflamed gallbladder out from her unhappy abdomen."—Rose White