"What the hell kind of a stupid question is that? (No, Randy, I was just asking you! That wasn't intended for the quiz!)"—Greg Diamond

"Marching season in Northern Ireland ... but what the hell are the scientists doing there?"—Deborah Wassertzug

"I know the guy was disappointed in the new fall lineups, but choking the NBC peacock and shoving it through a TV set seems extreme."—Anthony Wright

"Splashing about in the Hudson."—Ed Page

"Didn't I see this on Sunday's X-Files?"—Francis Heaney

"Ooh, please tell me she was hurting Tom DeLay."—Michael Mannella

"Welding himself to Michael J. Fox."—Beth Sherman

"Sewing bugle beads and sequins directly on Christina Aguilera's skin."—David Finkle

"Hey, there's a reason they call it 'solitary sin.' "—Floyd Elliot

"A bikini wax. 'Damn those paparazzi!' the fetching Ms. Patera exclaimed."—Michael Mannella

"Eyes Wide Shut just reached Io, and local fans of 2001 are really pissed at how far Kubrick has fallen."—Charles Star

"Preparing either for battle or love or both with Xena, warrior princess."—Carl Dietrich

"Dr. Patera was taking an MRI of Dubya while he tried to find Canada on a map."—Mark Romoser

"Getting dressed for an appearance on Total Request Live."—Colleen Werthmann

"Applying a Blackberry Tangerine Skin Balancing T-Zone Treatment Mud Masque. See, fellas, it's only scary if you don't understand."—Jennifer Weiner

"Doing a 'controlled burn' of the nuclear weapons laboratories in Los Alamos, N.M."—Dilan Esper (Eugene Bryton had a similar answer.)

"Burning down a warehouse in Enschede?"—Sheila Brennan

"After blowing the $500 question and then being assured by Regis that she was 'still pretty smart for a girl,' enraged contestant Culann Patera beat the crap out of 'that patronizing bastard.' "—Michael Mannella

"Five-year-old Culann was simultaneously holding his breath and throwing a tantrum until his mother and father agreed to take him to Disney's heavily-advertised Dinosaur. Later, when asked how the movie was, Culann replied, 'It was OK.' "—Floyd Elliot

"Making good on his promise, as an eighth-grade social studies teacher, to one day get so miffed at those goddamned kids that he might, swear to God, explode or something. Freaking kids."—Andrew Silow-Carroll

"New XGames craze: Extreme-bullfighting. Twenty-two-year-old Culann Patera (born Corey Patterson of Denville, N.J.) took third place with his unorthodox but tOtaLly XtReeM use of a flamethrower for the 'kill stroke.' Dude."—Jon Drumwright

"Destroying his computer by dousing it with gasoline and setting it on fire. He was tired of getting that damned 'Blue Screen of Death' every time he tried to play Tomb Raider."—Mark Shotzberger

"Winning first place in the inaugural Welsh broadcast of Iron Chef."—Neal Pollack

"Trying to rape a rainbow."—Matt Sullivan

"Tie-dying tai-chi class."—John Foster

"Abandoning its dated Laura Ashley palette for the happening earth tones of Santa Fe, N.M."—M.G. Lord

"The noted fashion victim was machine-gunning paint cans in a Home Depot in an attempt to discover what color would be 'the new black.' "—Evan Cornog

"He was warned about mixing the Viagra, Prozac, and Ritalin together with a strawberry daiquiri."—Anthony Wright

"Projectile vomiting after eating a box of Lite Brite pegs. Thanks, National Endowment for the Arts!"—Marya Grandy (similarly, Jim Cochran, Jay Welch, Greg Diamond, Brent Danzig, and Bryce Newhart)

"Projectile vomiting. No, that's too obvious. Declaring his candidacy for senator from New York state in terms that nobody will ever forget, that's more like it."—Jon Snow (similarly, but withdrawing, Peter Carlin)

"No fart-free zone invoked?"—Dan Dickinson

"Lighting farts in a crowded movie theater."—Brooke Saucier (similarly, Scott Perkins and Paul Baltzer; but something more solid, Jon Greenberg)

"Oh, just give me a similarly for any bodily function (or should I say dysfunction), and we'll leave the disgusting stuff to the reader's imagination shall we?"—Mark Wade

"Acting out the emotional spectrum: green with envy, red with rage, purple with passion."—Carrie Rickey

"Fashioning some lint from his prison blues into a mask of Regis Philbin."—David Feige

Self-Reference Corner

"Submitting one failed News Quiz response after another."—Steven Davis (similarly, Pete Miesel)

"I haven't the foggiest, but if it was frantic, kinetic, dazzling, and (especially) busty, do please include a photo on the answer page."—Doug Welty (similarly Selenavian, Steven Davis and Jeff Williamson)

"Oh, jeez, Randy—that was intended for 'The Ethicist.' The last line was supposed to be, 'How much should I charge for the photos?' "—Greg Diamond

"Since the drug-free zone wasn't explicitly invoked, Culann Patera must have been filming a remake of Lucy in the Sky With (Greg) Diamonds."—Kathy Whitesel