"Escape the sound of car alarms."—Evan Cornog and Francis Heaney

"Build new split-level houses to get away from the rampant suburban sprawl in the area."—Anthony Wright

"Allow televangelists to wander free in the tidewater splendor of their natural habitat."—Charlie Glassenberg

"You know, the Hokey Pokey is silly enough at the damn roller rink."—Pete Miesel

"Move Haley Barbour out of Washington and (finally) into retirement?"—John Cherry

"Hold a good old-fashioned slave beatin', pig herdin', county jamboree!"—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen (Mark Shotzberger had a similar answer.)

"Organize a lynching without some damn Yankee reporter sticking his nose in."—Charles Star

"Fly the Confederate flag."—Dilan Esper and Andrew Staples

"It was a stupid idea in the first place to try to rebuild the Lilith Fair around the Dixie Chicks and Shania Twain."—Greg Diamond

"Ambush and kick the crap out of unsuspecting Ohioans who insist that their state is the 'Mother of Presidents.' "—Mark Wade

"Pose naked (with farm animals! Cle-VER!) for Spencer Tunick's camera."—Deborah Wassertzug

"A naked Million Mom March."—Adrianne Tolsch

"The World's Largest All-Nude Hoedown."—Mark Romoser

"Tipping seven-story tall cows."—Daniel Radosh (all but identically, Greg Diamond; similarly, John Leary)

"Prince William County's Annual Author Hunt. 'We really do need it to control the population. Otherwise they're everywhere. Do you know what kind of damage an author does to your car?' continued the orange-vested, trigger-fingered Regan."—Beth Sherman

"To secretly dump all of the unsold copies of A Charge To Keep."—Doug Ingram

"Promise Keepers vs. Promise Breakers color war."—Bill Scheft (similarly, Mark Wade)

"Please don't let it be another U.S. Festival."—John Leary

"Form a secretive government intelligence agency."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Put on a really good, convincing Renaissance fair. With wars and stuff."—Ellis Weiner (similarly, Deborah Wassertzug)

"Stage a re-enactment of a famous battle. I'm guessing Super Bowl II?"—Francis Heaney

"Invite Marlon Brando to star in a theatrical revival of Last Tango in Paris."—Brigitte Roberts

"Please, don't let it be another 'Woodstock' knock-off concert! Or if it is, please let them blow-up the Porta Potties this year instead of just burning them."—Jon Drumwright (similarly, Kevin Gregg, Carl Dietrich, and Mark Romoser)

"Hold the first annual NIMBY convention."—Will Vehrs

"Establishment of a penis-free zone."—Arthur Stock

"Re-enact the John and Lorena Bobbitt saga with a giant 'Penis Hunt' contest."—Will Vehrs

"Date Prince William."—David Finkle (all but identically, Greg Diamond; similarly, Jon Drumwright)

"Build a casino."—Daniel Kahn

"Burn books (particularly them books by that Jesus-hater Darwin, talkin 'bout how peeple used to have tails and stuff)."—Larry Amoros

"Keep a giant, blue pet ox."—Francis Heaney

"Mount the John Deere Combine Hide 'n' Seek Championships."—Michael Cronin

"Find a nice, quiet little cabin; begin your anti-technology manifesto; and stop by the post office every once in a while to mail off packages of explosives."—Edward Gresser

"Get in line to have Pat Robertson sign his latest book, God vs. Geology: Why Prayer Can Stop the Tsunami Short."—Carl Dietrich

"To hold a good old-fashioned alien abduction, like Mom used to make, before she was turned into Pop."—Doug Ingram

"For starters, I'll take a 'similarly' for anything involving mass-marriage between too-close relatives."—Jon Drumwright (similarly, Sharon Stern and Ben Kirkup)