"If the United States was once powerful enough to make Carl Sagan work for someone else, you just gotta be impressed."—John Tyrrell

"It was a grand idea, but the flying '57 Chevy was never going to take the place of an American presence in space."—Joe Hawk

"Have Dwight Eisenhower challenge the Soviet premier to a Greco-Roman wrestling match, but only release the results to the American public if Ike won."—Tim Carvell (Spencer Fleury had a similar answer, but enhanced with supersteriods.)

"Put a monkey in a box. (Later, 'box' was replaced with 'spaceship.')"—Francis Heaney

"By developing punch-card computers, which led to the first computer generated porn, such as this hot number:
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Ooo baby ..."—Jeff Williamson

"By screwing those hot Russkie babes until the Commies cried, 'Uncle!' "—Floyd "No Penis-Free Zone! I Called It!" Elliot

"Create a rocket ship shaped like a giant penis, of course."—Jim Cochran (similarly, Steven Davis)

"Showing 'em Milton Berle's penis."—Andrew Puzzio (similarly, Troy Flint; but John Holmes, Ken Novak)

"The creation of cyborg Mamie Van Doren."—Adam Bonin (similarly, but Sophia Loren, Greg Diamond)

"Hey, let's get that Van Doren kid and put him on a quiz show. That'll show 'em."—Peter Partheymuller

"I don't know, but the release of Battlefield Earth puts us right back at square one."—Lori Geddes (similarly, Paul Frellick and Adam Bonin)

"Invent the tangelo."—Beth Sherman

"… the Hula Hoop."—Michael Mannella

"… a low-fat mayonaise."—Mark Terry

"… the tail fin."—Stuart Wade (similarly, Joseph Eros)

"… surf music."—Greg Diamond

"Wow, I didn't know Carl Sagan invented the muscle car."—Dilan Esper

"Project Edsel."—Keith Kurtz (similarly, Mark Wade and Mike Pope)

"They developed the coolest cereal-box toy ever—the baking-soda-propelled submarine."—Ellen Macleay (similarly, but Cheez Whiz, Paul Hayes)

"USA: No. 1 in turtleneck production!"—Jon Zerolnick

"Make certain that Elvis Presley enlists."—David Finkle

"Assassinate the president within five years."—Colin Rafferty

"Secretly finance the writing and production of Gidget Goes Hawaiian."—Ellis Weiner

"They got together and wrote a very special quantum physics episode of Leave It to Beaver."—Sharon Dynek

"Two words: 'Mr. Ed.' "—Marya Grandy

"The plan came to fruition in the early 1990s when McDonald's—well on its way to world domination—announced on all of its signs, 'Billions and Billions served.' "—Charles Star (similarly, Liam McDonald, John Leary, Mark Wade, Bill Cavanaugh, Mark Romoser, Deborah Wassertzug, Greg Narver, and Peter G. Eipers)

"Draw up plans to produce a PBS program called Cosmos to license 'star stuff.' "—John Foster

"Beat up Carl Sagan."—Edward Gresser (and his enormous penis, Tim Carvell)

"World's Highest Combined IQ in a Phone Booth."—Jeff Williamson

"Engineer the hockey rink at Squaw Valley such that the U.S. hockey team wins the gold medal at the 1960 Winter Olympics. Though successful, the true genius of their plan was not proved until 20 years later."—Mark Wade

"Reclaim the barren, lunar desert with a Las Vegas-style casino—a plan Enrico 'The Horse' Fermi and Richard 'Bugsy' Feynman had been kicking around since their clandestine poker parties at Los Alamos."—M. G. Lord

"Inspired by Ocean's Eleven, Dr. Reiffel led a ragtag bunch of scientific hoods to simultaneously raid all the great laboratories in the world on New Year's Eve. Who knew Carl Sagan had such a great singing voice?"—Pete Miesel (Inspired via cool time machine? O.E. produced in 1960.—ed.)

"That's so weird: I was just reading a letter in the journal Nurture talking about a task force charged with impressing on Americans the ability of the world to cause a post-Sputnik malaise in the United States in 1958."—Jon Zerolnick

"They developed a time machine that sent the malaise 20 years forward in time where it could bedevil Jimmy Carter instead of that nice old Eisenhower."—Steven Davis (similarly, Jon Zerolnick)

"Does Roswell, N.M., mean anything to you? I thought so. Now shut up before you get us all in trouble. BIG trouble."—Jon Snow

"By finding some Southeast Asian craphole country we could knock around for a few months and have the boys home for Christmas."—Jason Ross (similarly, Doug Ingram; but Cuba, Mary Anne Townsend, Jeff Williamson, and Tim Carvell)

"It's really not a significant story. They abandoned the effort soon after finding out that, contrary to Richard Feynman's claims, there was no Olympic 'seducing one's colleagues' wives' competition."—Greg Diamond

"By destroying Soupy Sales' career."—Daniel Krause

"A televised launch: Blast Rod Serling into space. Much better than a chimp, to show them Ruskies, and from Carl Sagan's point of view, opens up more quality air time."—Barbara Lippert (similarly, but launching Lassie, Carrie Rickey)

"By putting a giant magnifying glass into orbit which would channel the light of the sun into a heat-powered destructo-beam to be used against the U.S.S.R. … wait a minute ... did you say Sagan? I thought you said Reagan."—Michael Maiello

Self-Reference Corner

"Create a 'computer machine internetwork' that would allow people to participate in 'News Quizzes' from their own desks. What crackpots!"—Charlie Glassenberg

"Let's see, Daniel Radosh was born in '58, and Sagan had some pretty clever notions about genetics … hmmm, I'm dazzled."—David Feige

"By launching a live animal—say maybe a dawn monkey, into space."—Kevin Kowalczyk

Overt—and Delightful—Pandering Corner

"Create a genetically superior humorist who would conquer the world with his smartass News Quizzes and Ethics columns."—Deborah Wassertzug