"Increase the weight of all equipment by a factor of 10, and then bowl on the moon."—Francis Heaney

"Make all players wear those goofy bowling shirts—and ONLY the goofy bowling shirts."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Hecklers. Your momma's so big, she needs two lanes! We want a bowler not a rotting molar!"—Andrew Puzzio

"Bowling ball holes filled with Newman's Own salsa."—Gary Drevitch

"Strobe lights."—Francis Heaney

"You cross the line, you get shot and fed to dogs."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Multilevel alleys. To help people like a guy I went to high school with who held on to the ball too long so that instead of going down the lane, it went through the roof. I wish I was making that up."—Steve Kiefer

"One hole bowling balls."—David Black

"Pins replaced with members of U.S. women's gymnastics team who can vault or straddle the approaching ball (preferably straddle)."—Gary Drevitch

"Replace those hideous shoes with six-inch stiletto heels. (Yes, guys too.) Falling flat on your face on your approach is scored as a foul."—Mark Romoser

"Belligerent animatronic hockey players randomly appear to hit players on the head with their sticks."—Francis Heaney

" 'Sierra Leone Rules' tournaments, in which the winners hack off the losers' limbs."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Restore consensus to the American Bowling Congress. C'mon, America: Let's join hands—and balls."—Peter O'Toole

"Bowlers must remain attached to the exploding ball after its been thrown."—Bryce Newhart

"Electrify the foul line."—Steven Davis

"Have all the players get really, really drunk first, and then ... sorry, I guess that's kinda been done."—Steve Kiefer