"Hmmm, by my calendar, it's time for another Giuliani joke. So, let's say this is some political commentator talking about the Senate race. Probably on some talking heads show. OK. But the missing word, what could that be? Cancer? Adultery? Crypto-fascism? No, all too obvious. I know—subway frottage! And if such a story breaks within the next week, you heard it here first."—Greg Diamond

"John McCain, said George W. Bush, grimacing with the effort to hold onto his new pet's leash."—Peter Carlin (Francis Heaney had a similar answer.)

"A corporate spokespuppet, said Justice Clarence Thomas, as arguments were heard in the case of Triumph the Insult Comic vs. Pets.com, as American society slid closer to the abyss."—Pete Miesel

"The giant irradiated lizard, said a scientist at Japan's prestigious Fuji Oceanic Institute, as Godzilla swatted him into the Pacific with a giant irradiated wrench."—Gary Drevitch

"Morto, Giant Mutant King of the Lemurs, as remarked upon by a Weekly World News reporter, supposedly while at the scene of a rampage at Home Depot."—Francis Heaney

"Murder, said Professor Plum, while holding a candlestick in the conservatory."—Doug Ingram

"Low-Fat Pork Rinds, Now With BBQ Flavor! said a Frito-Lay marketing manager at a George W. Bush fund-raiser."—Mark Shotzberger

"Rising interest rates, said George W. Bush, effortlessly getting his weekly 'Bushism' out of the way early."—Perry Dorrell

"Bob Dole, said Bob Dole, discussing his seventh consecutive challenger's run for head of the Dole household."—Josh Kamensky

"The anthrophagia reform issue, according to Pat Buchanan, at a recent Independent Meeting of the Independent Party, where some of the Independent Factions thereof wanted it added to their Independent Platforms. 'As hard as it is for some in this country, and particularly this administration, to stomach,' he did not add, 'meat is people too.' "—Jon Drumwright

"Adultery, said Rep. Henry Hyde, as he redefined youthful."—Ken Richardson

"A talking gorilla, said Bobo, on his death bed."—Gary Drevitch

"An owl with opposable thumbs, said Topanga Pete at his crystal meth lab high in the hills."—Laura Miller

"A platypus revved on caffeine, said Buddy Hackett, when undergoing brain surgery while still awake at a disreputable hospital."—Kevin Gregg (similarly, Charlie Clack and Mark Romoser)

"Horse, said William Burroughs at one of those goofy beatnik poetry things."—David Ballard

"Those blue-collar people on Car Talk, said the NPR programmer at the bake sale, as she frenetically tried to diagram her sentence."—Colleen Werthmann

"A bat, said the Joker at the Gotham National Bank."—Jim Cochran

"Fidel Castro, said the Miami relatives, while at a tattoo parlor having Elián's face etched on their foreheads."—Francis Heaney

"The Pokenszench, said Philomena Limpflig, custodian of the late E. Gorey's estate. 'So I think it throws a wrench, the hard to fathom Pokenszench.' "—John Hanson

"A crocodile, said crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, as one of the large reptilian beasts gnawed on his wife."—Joe Hawk

"A dancing baby, thought Calista Flockhart at the zoo being upset over the limited variety of 'attractions.' "—Charles Cederfeldt-Malinis

"A beered-up Met fan, said John Rocker, as he stumbled into the visitors' dugout following Wrench Night at Shea."—Mark Romoser (similarly, Brooke Saucier and Doug Lach)

"Hervé Villechaize's Nude Self-Inspection Photos, said Francisco Scavullo at the 'Gorgeous Dwarves' exhibit on display at Spoleto."—Larry Amoros

"The wrench monkey, said Dr. Joan Embry, on a recent Tonight Show."—Adam Bonin

"Bill Clinton, said a rejected and dejected Sam Donaldson in the White House press room."—Steven Davis

"Cancer, said oncologist Marcus Welby at Sloan Kettering, explaining recent diagnoses of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and police commish Howard Safir."—Carrie Rickey

Self-Reference Corner

"I can't believe you used a monkey as your example. I was going to use a wrench-throwing dawn monkey, but no, you had to crush my dream beneath your jackbooted heel. So much for compassionate fascism."—Steven Davis

" 'Dawn monkey,' said Strom Thurmond at hearings about the controversial Federal 'Primates to Plumbers' program. Added Thurmond, 'And I wish that gibbon would hurry up and get the commode in the men's room fixed. My ass feels like it's about to explode.' "—Doug Lach

"A dawn monkey, said several News Quiz participants, similarly."—Daryle C. Graf (similarly, Mark Romoser and Greg Diamond)

"What really kills me is that, somehow, Carvell and Heaney are going to figure this one out."—Greg Diamond

"The truth, said Rudy Giuliani after further revealing his writings under the pseudonym of 'Daniel Radosh.' "—Adam Bonin