"Forget it. I can't concentrate any longer. I just saw Sting selling cars on television. Nothing in life makes sense anymore."—Doug Ingram

"First all the drug companies left the state, now Princeton has outsourced to China?"—Jon Zerolnick

"Oh, sure, first I'm cracking what seem to be harmless jokes about China, next thing you know I'm on vacation in Asia getting thrown into a political prison. No thanks."—Francis Heaney

"I don't care how many tanks Jiang rolls into Princeton: He's not getting into an eating club unless he has enough references to get tapped."—Peter Carlin (Ken Tucker had a similar answer.)

"Well, one of them is clearly never ever having to listen to a bunch of drunken Chinese students singing, 'Hold that tiger!' in failed unison ever again."—Greg Diamond

"I'm not sure what the other two are, but if Jiang is stressed out by arrogant, clove-smoking, know-it-all college students, I'm with him."—Peter Carlin

"Do you think that leftists in China laugh as much at the phrase 'liberal intellectual activities' as leftists here? Because I can't stop cracking up!"—Jon Zerolnick

"Can I jump on the bandwagon, and submit 'Moe, Larry, and Curly' like everyone else?"—Michael S. Gilman, Michael Gerber, Peter Lerangis, Steven Davis, Mark Shotzberger, Doug Ingram, Dilan Esper, and Jen Gould

"50-50, phoning a friend, and asking the audience."—Barry Johnson

"Mao, Larry, and Curly."—Bill Considine (similarly, Andrew Slattery)

"Ling-Ling, Mao, and Shemp."—Doug Welty

"Moe, Larry, and the imperialist, capitalist running dogs who are doomed to fail against the inevitable triumph of the Glorious People's Revolution."—Doug Lach

"Death, taxes, and Marisleysis."—Mark Romoser

"Taiwan, the United States, and Mrs. Jiang."—Steve Hellerman

"Tiananmen, the Dalai Lama, and Kathie Lee Gifford."—Liam McDonald

"Exams, girls, and hazing."—Francis Heaney

"Harvard, Yale, and Columbia."—Jason Ross and Dola Nasr

"Manny, Moe, and Jack."—Larry Amoros and Jon Zerolnick

"Children, trade, and trade in children."—Jonathan Baker

"Same exact, can't not, and fuckin' A!"—Carl Dietrich

"Acute, grave, and umlaut."—Steve Kiefer (similarly, but iambic, trochaic, and dactylic, Greg Diamond; but italics, boldface, and underlining, Francis Heaney)

"1) Helen, 2) Gurley, and 3) Brown."—T.G. Gibbon

"3) Getting the population to smoke only domestic Marlboro counterfeits."—T.G. Gibbon

"Torsional, directional, and compressional! Hoo!! Physics jokes!! Ha!! I kill me."—Jon Drumwright

"Girlfriend, wife, kids: How to keep them apart."—Dola Nasr (similarly, Tom Tegtmeyer)

"Traffic jams, failure of the rice harvest, and that pedantic bore Bill Bradley."—Charlie Glassenberg

"That's how the president insists on referring to the Holy Trinity. Well, actually, he calls them 'Jesus Christ!' 'Goddamn!' and 'Boo!' "—Laura Miller

"The three stresses ... hmmm ... work, home, and mistress ... nope, that's Clinton's three stresses."—Joe Hawk

"The three stresses are inflections in the Chinese word for 'democracy,' which change the meaning to 'evil philosophy of corruption.' It doesn't just happen with movie titles, you know."—Charles Star

"I don't know what the three stresses are, but I'm pretty sure that acupuncture can get rid of them."—Dola Nasr

"But if he uses Falun Gong meditation to relieve the stresses, there's gonna be trouble!"—Peter G. Eipers (similarly, Britton J. Wingfield)

"President Jiang stresses that Chinese students refrain from the following: 1) forming anarchist coalitions calling for China to be so ashamed as to not even apply for World Trade Organization membership; 2) wearing traditional Chinese clothing in a baggy hip-hop fashion; 3) using their newly learned skills in the English language to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer."—Michael Maiello (similarly, Van Roudebush)

"Madonna's version of 'American Pie,' the film American Pie, and the Don McLean song, 'Vincent.' "—Carl Dietrich

"I know 'torture' is one of them. Man, that always stresses me out."—Steve Gisselbrecht

"Whatever they are, Princeton's going to be totally embarrassed when they see the T-shirts Yale's making up for the game this year!"—Josh Kamensky

"As of today, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu."—Jim Harper

"Eczema, seborrhea, and the heartbreak of an independent Taiwan."—David Granger

Self-Reference Corner

"1) Will my NewsQuizQuip be chosen? 2) Will my company find out all I do is write NewsQuizQuips? 3) Is this ringworm?"—T.G. Gibbon (similarly, Steven Davis)

"News Quiz's new schedule, the fading hopes of Alan Keyes, and the disturbing trend of Challenger disaster jokes in previous quizzes."—Pete Miesel

"The seamstress, the mistress, and the damsel in distress. Which are also, coincidentally, three of the choices in Playboy's upcoming interactive Road Trip movie."—Tim Carvell