"Actually, it's only crash-test dummies of these sizes that are supposed to be present in the 'slow-deploying airbag' trials. The real woman and children are to be sprayed with dioxin down at the Agriculture Department's lab."—Greg Diamond

"Not the Beatles—but an incredible simulation!"—Ellis Weiner

"Helpful corroborating testimony."—Larry Amoros

"Incessant fighting over who gets the window seat."—Dola Nasr

"Doctors report that underweight women giving birth to triplets should try to space out the births to avoid undue shocks to their systems."—Francis Heaney

"Just in case the random religion chosen to bless the football game is some Wiccan derivative involving ritual child sacrifices."—Ben Kirkup

"NASA, don't go that route. It was tough enough when we lost the monkey and the teacher."—Josh Kamensky

"To create sympathy for the president when he signs welfare-reform legislation or for Newt Gingrich when he tells his most recent wife he wants a divorce."—Kevin Guilfoile (Gary Frazier had a similar answer.)

"These are the components of the Republican Nuclear Family (Gingrich Edition) (TM). Cheating, two-faced, hypocritical, skirt-chasing father sold separately. At a very high price. Make check payable to GOPAC."—Peter G. Eipers

"Decoy child-snatching operations by the Immigration and Naturalization Service to draw Floridian crowds away from dangerous hurricane zones."—Kevin Gregg (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg, Gary Frazier, and Mark Romoser)

"To give the priest and rabbi a day off from walking into a bar."—Steve Kiefer

"A steady stream of dates for Woody Allen."—Adam Bonin

"Starting with the next presidential administration, people fitting these descriptions must be given key posts, in order to ensure that the Cabinet 'looks like America.' "—Deborah Wassertzug

"They are to stand in four corners of the pentagram during certain Satanic rituals. The fifth corner is traditionally occupied by a bitter, anorexic radio call-in host, usually with psychiatric pretensions, who spits bile when confronted with anything good or pure."—M.G. Lord

"Truth in advertising. All four must be clearly visible in commercials for Fox's upcoming Who Wants To Marry an Anorexic Divorcee? series."—Daniel Kahn

"Great. First they make the networks run their anti-drug scripts, now they're telling us who we can cast in our idiotic sitcoms."—Mark Romoser

"Maximum whining."—Eliot Cohen

"They're trying to coax Marisleysis out of her tree and back into the hospital."—Ray Hastings

"Oh, dear God, will anyone want to get a lap dance under those circumstances?"—Tim Carvell

"More diversity at barbershop quartet festivals, especially if none of the kids have handlebar mustaches."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Beats me, but this has David E. Kelley's fingerprints all over it."—Tim Carvell

"Janet Reno wants ATF agents to guard at Kronos Quartet auditions."—Carrie Rickey

"It will make it impossible for the other passengers on the plane, mainly business travelers, to sleep, forcing them to use the time for work and thereby boosting productivity."—Ben Heller

"A lovely lady bringing up three very lovely girls."—Paul Hayes

"Damn! I'd know the answer to this, but I live in a major metropolitan area, have cable, and usually get my news on ABC."—Ross Levatter

"If the 112-pound woman is Jenna Jameson, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!"—David Granger

"They will be present at Rudy Giuliani's Senate campaign photo ops in order to make him look bigger."—Jon Delfin (similarly, but G. W., Mark Shotzberger)

"The election of Al Gore. Don't ask me how."—Greg Diamond

"At least one of these individuals needs to be present in every teacup in Disneyland's 'Mad Hatter's Tea Party' ride. This is part of Al Gore's 10-point plan to 'break the hateful and divisive lock that older children and heavier women have on the amusement parks of this country. It's wrong, and I'll fight for you!' "—Vincent Basehart

"By inflating box office figures for animated, family-oriented films, the government wishes to fudge the results of its new family programs."—Brooke Saucier

"Will fetch about $350 on the open market, according to Trent Lott."—Gary Frazier

"The last attempt at control on The Jerry Springer Show. 'You wouldn't hit a 1-year-old child, a 3-year-old child, a 6-year-old child, and a 112-pound woman, would you?' will be the tag line."—Dola Nasr

"Executions. It's an effort by Republicans to bring their two most popular positions together, family values and the death penalty."—Doug Ingram

"This is a new 'Living Math' exhibit at the Exploratorium, where the children and the woman are used as weights on an enormous balance."—Rose White

"Put Shaq in the middle, and you'd have a team the Knicks aren't afraid to face in the finals. (Except for Shaq.)"—Susan Vance

Self-Reference Corner

"This isn't related to the Andy Aaron's Ongoing Pornomatic Extra, is it?"—Charlie Glassenberg

"The aforementioned group must be present whenever federal policy matters are being decided. The 1-, 3- and 6-year-olds are tasked with formulation of policy. The 112-pound woman is tasked with refereeing the inevitable power games that result. At least that's how it works in my job at the Department of Defense."—Deborah Guy

"A minion to satisfy Phillip Weiss—and—Judith Shulevitz."—Adam Bonin

"Hey, I thought we already covered the Playboy interactive movie."—Tim Lundberg