"When the hairy midget quickly opens and shuts the doors to the black van outside of 7-Eleven, briefly revealing a glimpse of indeterminately gendered flesh, a waffle maker, and a bag of Puppy Chow, do the frat boys follow or load another bowl saying, 'Dude, did you see that shit?' "—Bryce Newhart

"If a guy has had good sex with the same gal for over one year, should he continue in the relationship, dump her for maybe somebody better in bed, or give the Dawn Monkey a ride?"—Carl Dietrich

"Appeal the decision of the wet T-shirt contest judges, or offer support to the distraught losers?"—Will Vehrs

"Chasey Lain or Chevy Chase?"—Gary Drevitch

"Socks on or off?"—Dave Gaffen

"Should the goat get involved, yes or no?"—Tim Carvell

"Should the next music played be crummy generic funk or creepy New Age?"—Charlie Glassenberg

"Should the twins decide to take a dip in the hot tub and wash one another's breasts? Or should they discuss the films of Cassavetes and Buñuel and their dueling aesthetics of realism versus surrealism, thereby commenting—indirectly, and brilliantly—on the artifice of the very film that they inhabit?"—Tim Carvell

"Leave a perfectly good topless bar, or try to find that trailer-park party?"—Will Vehrs