"Arrrr! The name is Capt. Biggens, the world's oldest and yay biggest pirate, tall as the mast on a great man of war, I'm awake from a long slumber and thinks I'll drink me some rum and smash yer southern coast. Arrr!"—Michael Maiello

"Diaries detailing the secret love between Sen. Helms and Gov. Wilder."—Brooke Saucier

"Look, I'm as pleased as anyone that they've finally located Gen. Sherman, but I think that his days of menacing others are pretty much through."—Tim Carvell

"Another sad attempt by Peter Benchley to claw his way back onto the best-seller list.—Daniel Radosh

"An Atlantis filled with gay scout leaders."—Beth Sherman

"Andrew Sullivan in a bathysphere."—Katha Pollitt

"Mad clam disease."—Francis Heaney

"Boll weevils with Aqua Lungs."—Jeff Book

"Jerrold Nadler swimming."—Jennifer Weiner

"More transitional organisms to lend credibility to those crazy evolutionists."—Doug Ingram (Paul Tullis had a similar answer.)

"I don't know, but Pat Robertson's prayers should keep it well offshore."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Carl Dietrich)

"A giant squid! A giant squid! Oh, please, please, please, let it be a giant squid!"—Tim Carvell

"God damn, whatever it is I hope they clone it and use it to threaten South Carolina and Georgia, too. Any of you other states think the Civil War isn't over!? Ya heard!? Oh, Mississippi? You want to step up, punk?!!! Didn't think so."—Jeff Brax (similarly, Dilan Esper)

"It's where the Puerto Rican navy has been hiding, and they're ready to bomb the hell out of the Outer Banks if we don't leave Vieques alone!"—Greg Diamond

"So that's where R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris put those 'smoking gun' documents."—Greg Narver (similarly, but smoking scientists, Tom Tegtmeyer)

"Hai! Look! It's Godzilla."—Daniel Kahn (similarly, Carl Dietrich)

"Janet Reno's twin sister, 'Mothra.' "—Jon Hotchkiss

"The ILOVEYOU virus."—Adam Bonin

"Tourists from Atlantis. And they're hungry."—Neal Pollack

"An enormous sign, with an arrow pointed to the coast, that reads, 'HURRICANES THIS WAY.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"As long as it doesn't come with a soundtrack by Puff Daddy, I'm not too concerned."—Steve "Of Course, I Guess Jeff Goldblum Could Use the Work" Kiefer

"Oh for the love of Mike. Was it really necessary to send Juan and Elián home on an inner tube?"—Cynthia Morrill

"Moby Tobacco."—Carrie Rickey (similarly, Doug Ingram)

"White House e-mails in lead drums that prove that nothing happened the last eight years except a little consensual sex between a boss and his intern."—Carl "Cynical No More" Dietrich

"They've found the pods where they grow basketball players for Duke."—Greg Diamond

"A contract signed by Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, stating that the loser of the war would 'hereby promise to refrain from rising again.' "—Charles Star

Self-Reference Corner

"Tim Carvell's secret stash of News Quiz comedy writers. I mean how many answers can one dude submit?"—David Feige

"So, what are you up to now, Randy? Is it Jaws VIII or Jaws IX you are so blatantly plugging?"—John Tyrrell

"The Giant Dawn Sea Horse."—Carl "Dawn Monkey Obsessed" Dietrich

"Put me down as 'similarly trying to get more free mileage out of it' for any answer referring to the dawn monkey."—Doug Ingram

"A seismic rift ... in Strom Thurmond's ass. Hiyo!"—Charles Star (similarly, James Bauman)