"Take ABC away."—Beth Sherman (Arthur Stock and Greg Diamond had similar answers.)

"Make Dame Judi Dench end her 'Cockney-Lads-Only cluster fuck' at 11:29."—Larry Amoros

"Force Kathleen Turner to keep her clothes on in that silly show."—M. G. Lord (similarly, Ellen Macleay)

"Stop airing Arsenio reruns."—Adam Bonin (similarly but more Dave, less Jay, Anthony Wright and Mark Romoser; but just less Jay, Tim Carvell and Matthew Singer; but less Dave, Eric "Eric" Helling)

"Replace Blair's 'homosexual Cabinet' with Robert Mugabe."—Erik Newson

"Authorities will return 6-year-old Eliaghn Gillespie to Ireland."—Jason Ross (similarly, Peter G. Eipers)

"Blame the Irish."—Evan "Yes, I read your memo" Cornog (similarly, Gary Drevitch and Greg Diamond; but starve them, Tim Carvell)

"Before he goes on his shift, they will give Sgt. McAndrew some deodorant."—Anthony Wright

"Ask that British newscasters stop announcing, 'Tonight, around 11:15 or so, there's an excellent chance that Britain will get Diana, the Empire, and John Lennon back!' "—Tim Carvell

"Hold the nightly 'Soccer Hooligan 5K Run and Kidney Pie Eating Contest' at an hour when there are more taxis."—Kevin Guilfoile

"Ban spotted dick, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, and other smutty-sounding British dishes in favor of a required municipal diet of Italian food. 'I spent my vacation in Tuscany,' said Sgt. McAndrews, 'and after a lovely lunch of pasta and veal scallopine, accompanied by a fine local red and a nice salad, I wanted only to spend the afternoon shopping for shoes. Why fight over taxis when you can walk and enjoy life? Even in Manchester, la vita é bella!' "—Katha Pollitt (similarly, but less Tuscan, Joe Hawk, John Hanson, Rick Klicki, Doug Walker, Noah Meyerson, and Charlie Glassenberg)

"Reverse the rotation of the Earth and so undo history! I love that one!"—Greg "To hell with the rest of ABC; where's my Sports Night?" Diamond

"My God, I thought Maggie Thatcher was in a home somewhere."—Steven Davis (similarly, Carl Dietrich, Tim Carvell, Joe Shaw, and Greg Diamond; but the name of that "home" is "The United Nations," Brooke Saucier)

"Convince Tony Blair to stay home when the baby's born. (But the vomiting almost always goes away by the third trimester anyway.)"—Noah Meyerson (similarly, Paul Parry; but more surgical, Tamara Glenny)

"They're going to sue you. Every damn one of them. And given British libel laws, unless you have convincing photos of them engaging in these activities, they're probably going to win."—Keith Kurtz

"Start a 'designated puker' program."—Will Vehrs

"Stop Will Self from trying to keep it real."—Matt Sullivan

"Fistfights? How quaint. Issue those folks some side arms already, and let's get serious!"—Matthew Cole

"Make sure every pub in England stops serving Gary Busey."—Mike DeSantis

"Revoke the visas of the Miami relatives."—Katha Pollitt

"They're going to keep the pubs open 24 hours a day, install vomitoriums along the sides of the streets, and close down those freaking taxi stands that are ruining genteel British society."—Michael Maiello (similarly, with unconscious patrons, Betty Boop and Lynn Rosetta-Cusick)

"They're going to outlaw taxi stands. Sure, it won't do much for the menacing behavior or the vomiting in the streets, but once you do something about those 'quality of life crimes,' the rest of the problems will solve themselves."—Bill McDermott (similarly, but European Union style, Matthew Cole and Carrie Schadle)

"The BBC is rescheduling the Growling Puking Taxi Man Show for 10:30. English policemen really, really like that show, but they have to wake up pretty early."—Michael Wilson

"It's that horrible Mr. Hyde, I tell you!"—Matthew Singer (similarly, Gary Drevitch)

"Is this a Jagger-free zone? If not, prohibiting Stones reunion tours."—Ariel Gilbert-Knight (similarly, Sharon Dynek, Pete Miesel, Walt Morgan, and Sheila Goldlust)

"Prevent feuding Oasis band-mates Noel and Liam Gallagher from ever returning to their 'ometown, right luv?"—Dave Brean (similarly, Sharon Dynek and Matt Sullivan; but "Sex Pistols-mania, an incredible simulation," Brigitte "Anarchy in the U.K." Roberts)

"Pull the 9:20 Clockwork Orange screenings STAT. Maybe in another 30 years they'll be ready."—Laura Miller (similarly, but SpiceWorld, Tom Tegtmeyer; but Teletubbies, Josh Kamensky, Eric Helling, and Randall Woodland)

Royal Family and Their Odious Hangers-On Corner

"Camilla Parker Bowles will no longer be permitted to participate in her nightly televised 'nude health run' through the streets of London."—Joe Janssen (similarly, Marsha Fleming)

"Princess Margaret, hanging around pubs at closing time bragging to the departing topers, 'I can lick any man-jack in the house!' "—Mike Berla

"Enforce the queen mother's bedtime."—Chris Wehmeyer (similarly, C. Gwaltney; but the queen, David Finkle, Craig Arahana, and Carl Dietrich)

"Confine Prince Charles to Buckingham Palace. (It's always the quiet ones ...)"—Jim Cochran (similarly, David Granger and E. Sundquist; but the whole family, Steven Davis, Chris Lipe, and Walt Morgan)

"That's it! Prince William and Britney Spears are NOT allowed to see each other any more."—Chris Lipe (similarly, and his brother Henry, Larry Getlen)

"Politely request that the former House of Lords members confine their rowdy behavior to long weekends in the country."—Mary Anne Townsend (similarly, Neal Pollack and Maryna Lansky; but including both houses, Dwight Lemke and David Black)

"Send Joan Collins home from her pub crawl before 11:30."—Jon Hotchkiss

Self-Reference Corner

"I think changing the News Quiz from four days a week to three is going to make people more violent, not less."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Jay Carvell, Dilan Esper, and Doug Ingram)

"The News Quiz deadline will be changed to allow incorporation of more Bubble and Squeak related answers."—Doug Lach

"That must be the work of those 'News Quiz' hooligans I've been reading about. Which explains the new reined-in schedule. (Is this where I put my name? Or should it go farther down?)

(Like here?)

(Or here?)

Oh, fuck it. I'll just put it here: Peter Carlin."