"The long-lived career of Tom Jones."—Merrill Markoe (Daniel Krause had a similar answer, but Ted Danson.)

"Hector over Patroclus in the Trojan War."—M.G. Lord

"The most popular name for boys this year is Merck."—Cliff Schoenberg (similarly, David Bernard, Andrew Puzzio, and Ellen Macleay)

"Team Merck's three-peat in the semi-pro Scrabble league."—Steve Bodow (similarly, Adam Bonin, Greg Narver, Carl Dietrich, and Douglas Wolk)

"The last few letters of the alphabet."—Antony Altbeker (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg, Tim Olevsky, Doug Salvesen)

"The last row of the QWERTY keyboard. All those Z's, X's, C's and V's will keep it in the public eye for years to come."—Rose White (similarly, Steven Bieber)

"The Squid Men from Alpha Centauri. I salute their glorious victory. Ten thousand years to the Squid Men of Alpha Centauri!"—Charlie Glassenberg

"Who cares? It's a triumph! Whoo-hoo! We're No. 1! U-S-A! U-S-A!"—Tim Carvell

"Old guys' boners. No, their hair. No, their boners!"—Jen Weiner

"Hugh Hefner over those plastic twins' gag reflexes."—Floyd Elliot

"Easing the transition for people from Ritalin into adulthood."—Charles Star

"It can't be free market capitalism. Can it?"—Carl Dietrich

"Lobbyists over price controls."—Jon Zerolnick

"Good over evil? ... Gore over W.? ... Sloan over Kettering? ... Oh I know, the triumph of hirsute abs on Wynonna, over the bald abdomen she displayed in years past."—Larry Amoros (similarly, Jon Zerolnick)

"I knew those damn Yankees had to be taking something."—Greg Diamond

"Bob Dole's turgid, hairy, and pain-free member—at least that's the way he tells it on television."—Ben Heller (similarly, Josh Kamensky)

"Pharmacology over self esteem."—Brigitte "Homeopathic" Roberts

"Repackaging aspirin with sexier names."—Francis Heaney

"Advertisers to further confuse the viewing public."—Brooke Saucier

"Expert analyst Jack Lafferty's stock portfolio."—Greg Diamond (similarly, Mark Wade)

"It's cute how CNN gives little pet names to members of the Immigration and Naturalization Service and Justice Department."—Steven Davis

"The magic transformation of Mork from Ork into that trippy doctor with the red nose."—David Feige

"Sounds like the cognoscenti hit the Manischewitz a little hard at the Seder last week."—Charlie Glassenberg

"You mean they're prescription drugs? Don't bring me down, man."—Carrie Rickey

"The triumph of all those people that majored in dead languages finding jobs at pharmaceutical companies actually naming the drugs."—Daryle Graf

"The Albanian national soccer team, in the midst of an incredible run from total obscurity to the 2002 World Cup."—Mark Romoser

"Are these the bastards who keep writing new songs for Britney Spears?"—Greg "Feeling sort of 422 today" Diamond

"Spirited 'dry-mouth and abdominal pain' voice-overs."—Michele Siegel

"Ear hair—no wait—beer bellies—no I mean—80-year-old men impregnating 26-year-old women (Mr. Randall—your weekly treatment is waiting)."—Karen Murphy (similarly, but Catherine Zeta-Jonesian, Sheila Brennan)

"Keeping 132-year-old Strom Thurmond alive."—Tom Tegtmeyer

"The asteroids will just miss the Earth, avoiding the collision, but messing with the tides enough that many waterfront communities are evacuated, including Trump and Wynn's Atlantic City and the infamous Miami relatives."—Anthony Wright

"These are the acronyms for 'modern plagues' listed at the Reconstructionist Seder I attended: Violence, Pornography, Alonzo Mourning, Coronary Disease, Promiscuity, Pectoral Enhancement, and Ian Ziering ('Steve Sanders' on Beverly Hills 90210)."—Adam Bonin

"Triumph of the Will: Special Edition. Seems like an odd choice of film-restoration projects to sponsor, but who am I to question Merck?"—Tim Carvell (similarly, Greg Diamond, and a couple of other people whose entries I lost—ed)

Space Monster Corner

(similarly, John Tyrrell, Bruce Davis, Christopher Roberson, Matthew Cole, Terri Gradine, Thomas Cunningham, Matthew Singer, Jim Cochran, Floyd Elliot, Andrew Puzzio, Jason Ross, and Gina Duclayan)

"Of Grandor, High Suzerain of Flurmkledd, over his adversaries, the Gel-Creatures of Zyzzchrin 7! Can I have a movie deal now?"—Ellis Weiner

"Ming the Merciless, over Flash, Dale, and Dr. Whatshisname."—Neal Pollack (similarly, Brooke Saucier)

"Vioxx the Terrible—along with his fellow mechanized killbots, Zocor the Devourer and Propecia the Hirsute—is responsible for the crushing of humanity by their alien overlords. Maybe they haven't gotten to you yet, but everybody below 14^th Street has been shipped off to the talcum mines of Crandoni-7. P.S.: Pack a big lunch."—Michael Gerber

" 'And so, Zocor, our work here is done.' Vioxx surveyed the now-emptied field of battle, where so much—too much—had been sacrificed. Zocor sighed noiselessly and looked up at his friend silently. Both had the same unspoken thought. The triumph they enjoyed—the very redemption of the empire itself—none of it would have been possible had it not been for the ultimate sacrifice made by an unassuming young woman who had been strangers to them both not 24 hours before, but whose unanticipated strength and fiery determination had turned the tide. They gave silent thanks to the memory of that true warrior, the maiden who called herself Propecia."—Greg Diamond

Self-Reference Corner

"My hair is thicker, my erection is sturdier, and my flatulence is no longer cause for legal action. Thank you, modern science!"—Michael Mannella