" 'Makes for a tasty and low-calorie snack.' She then crushed a small 13-incher between her massive robot jaws."—Greg Diamond

"Can be in your living room tonight!!! We've got 25-inch Panasonics for $299, 27-inch Toshibas for $349, and 35-inch Sonys for only $499!!!! Come on down to Crazy Janet's and I'll show you how I've EARNED the name Crazy Janet!!!!!"—Noah Meyerson (Jason Ross had a similar answer, but Dodge Spring Cleaning Sales Event, with low, low prices on the hottest cars and trucks around.)

"Allowed George Will to safely vent his anger. He had planned to go to the zoo instead."—Steven Davis

"Actually makes you want to machine gun little kids. Like that Malcolm in the Middle kid. Fuck man, I'd like to take him out right now."—Peter Carlin

"What? I did? Sorry. One of the beauties ON television is that cute little Sarah Michelle Gellar, the WB's unstoppable Buffy the Vampire Slayer! What? What does this have to do with who? Elián? I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Thank you."—Ellis Weiner

"Explodes and emits sparks when you kick through the screen, which is pyrotechnic enough to stun a living room full of sleeping people into submission before my agents have to start waving guns around."—Michael Maiello (similarly, but smashed with a Windsor chair, Jason Ross)

"Features so many wonderful role models for young women: Ellen DeGeneres, Margarethe Cammermeyer, that lady from Married ... With Children—no, not her, the other one—and Melissa Etheridge."—Jon Hotchkiss

"It can be used to break down the rickety doors of most Miami houses."—Jacob Stohler

"Can be thrown into the bathtub with Elián's Miami relatives."—Floyd Elliot

"Adds 10 pounds to Marisleysis González."—Beth Sherman

"Has three Iron Chef episodes per week. I love kicking back with a bottle of Colt 45 and watching Hiroyuki Sakai get his ass kicked in Battle Tuna."—Adam Bonin

"Allows us to watch the NBA playoffs on the main screen while we keep an eye on the wailing little Cuban boy in the upper right-hand corner."—Rose White

"Doesn't run my glaring misjudgments 24-hours a day. After all, they have to show commercials."—Anthony Wright

"Can take a frail, old woman suffering from Parkinson's and make her out to be the dragon lady from D.C."—Marc Germain

"Provides Cubans with something to do other than riot. Perhaps all of you could go home and watch some Univision, yes?"—Tim Carvell

"Allows anyone to air their opinions, as long as those opinions are psychotic and inflammatory. Oh, look, Tom DeLay's on Meet the Press."—Floyd Elliot (similarly, Carrie Rickey and Steven Davis)

"Keeps Newt Gingrich off the streets whenever a second-rate cable channel is in desperate need of commentary."—Todd Serencha

"Carries Xena: Warrior Princess. Man, that Lucy Lawless is hot, isn't she?"—Floyd Elliot (similarly, Beth Sherman; but Dukes of Hazzard, Jay Carvell and T.G. Gibbon)

"Will make this whole Elián thing into a miniseries in two weeks. Do you think they'll get Angie Harmon to play me?"—Rich Klicki

"Let's you 'go to commercial' when you have to pee."—Dan Dickinson

"Allows me to bid on state quarter proof sets from the comfort of my home."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Can't ... think ... watching ... Smackdown ..."—Jennifer Weiner, who still has nightmares about Anita Hill-era Howell Heflin

"Can carry pornographic images directly to children's bedrooms—my God, what am I saying?"—Greg Diamond

"Moves seamlessly from Scooby Doo cartoons to live action-adventure in a Miami home."—William Vehrs

"Shows exactly what is happening. So the Justice Department is opening an investigation into that alien autopsy."—Daniel Radosh

"Makes a cool sound when you shoot out the screen. Or at least, that's what my agents tell me."—Andrew Staples

"Will be presenting a special black-and-white live version of Billy Madison starring that Screech guy from Saved by the Bell."—Pete Miesel

"Has such great deals. These glasses? Five bucks from QVC!"—Francis Heaney

"Enables the liar in chief to hypnotize the masses with his self-serving fairytales. Oh, uh ... I mean, reveals the wonder that is America."—Jeff Book

"Brings Matlock into my bedroom every night without the hassle of a court order."—T.G. Gibbon

"Has so many infomercials. Have you seen that Ronco rotisserie thing? Which reminds me. I haven't had any breakfast. See ya."—Michael Manella

"Provides a haven for George Will where dork-bashers won't beat him to a bloody pulp."—Floyd Elliot

"Gives kids a great alibi when they're out smoking their 420s, popping their 187s and [legal in some states] hitting their 69s."—Laura Miller

"Gives airtime to a steady stream of strident right-wing Cuban-Americans who manage to make even the most ham-handed use of force seem justified."—Dilan Esper

Ad Feminum Corner

"Makes me look only 6 foot 1 inch."—Joe Bernstein (similarly, D. Conley)

"Supposedly adds 10 pounds, so I can always tell people who haven't met me in person that I'm thinner than I look."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Dave Donovan, Cody Cannon, and Jennifer Weiner)

"Flatters my Jenny Craig figure."—David Finkle (similarly, Tim Carvell and Jonathan Piercy)

"Looks as good from behind as it does from the front, just like yours truly."—Deborah Wassertzug

"I refuse to participate in any scurrilous lampooning of Janet Reno over her physical appearance! (Note to Randy: Please run this entry only if you don't run any of the 17 immediately following jokes about Reno's appearance.)"—Greg Diamond