"Hmmm. A horribly injured 12-year-old. Hang on. I'll go get my 10-foot pole."—Tim Carvell

"Hydrogen, the evil element."—Matthew "Internym" Renner

"Whatever it is, I'll bet DreamWorks has the rights to it."—John Leary

"Oh my God, don't tell me the Russian doormen are going on strike, too!"—Peter Carlin (Beth Sherman had a similar answer.)

"Without Roy's gentle guidance, Siegfried now uses his magic for evil."—Adam Bonin

"Goddamned wing-flapping Brazilian butterfly!"—Greg Diamond

"Hooooe-gaaan!!!!!"—Jon Hotchkiss

"You know, this reminds me of the Discovery channel's recent program: The Making of Walking With Dinosaurs. Specifically, the segment where the young T-rexes spot Henry Kissinger visiting the set and tear him limb from limb in the most horrible fashion imaginable. Isn't science great?"—Steven Davis

"Those men in the Mitzvahmobile were warning about what happens to those who drink the wine left for Elijah, but COME ON, rebbe, isn't this overkill?"—Deborah Wassertzug

"Man, you piss off Martha Stewart just a little bit ..."—Floyd Elliot

"Cheap Microsoft Intellimouse(R) knockoffs. Next time look for the patented holo-logo!"—Daniel Kahn

"Attempts to install and run the Netscape Navigator 6.0 Preview Release, according to a recent Microsoft press release."—Cebra Graves (similarly, but Windows 2000 betas, Mark Romoser)

"I don't know, but William Safire is bound to blame it on Bill and Hillary."—Doug Ingram (similarly, Justin Sullivan)

"Sensing that the parliament was turning against him, Putin reached into his desk drawer and cried, 'Pikachu! Thunderbolt attack!' "—Kate Wing

"The cognitive dissonance caused by Jennifer Love Hewitt's portrayal of Audrey Hepburn."—Andrew Milner

"Dude, that must've been one bitchin' chess match."—Michele Siegel

"These three cities were among those left out of Anna Kournikova's goodwill tour of Russia."—Brooke Saucier

"One too many viewings of the trailer for Jerry Bruckheimer's Gone in 60 Seconds."—Dennis Cass

"Diana Ross' tour with the faux Supremes is more of a disaster than anyone expected."—Barbara Lippert

"George W., fryin' up another one."—Larry Amoros

"Dead people. I see them you know."—David Feige

"Dangerous volatility of Thumbs Up cola."—Barara Lippert

"Those darned meddling kids."—J. J. Sutherland

"Sorry, my kids were downloading their Gameshark cheat codes again. I keep warning them to click off the 'enable Russian chaos' button. And, yes, they forgot to click off the 'enable Wall Street crash' button last Friday.These kids today ... what are you gonna do?"—Rich Klicki

"Russians are used to waiting a long time, even for the Y2K bug."—Anthony Wright (similarly, Greg Diamond and Mark Romoser)

"Maybe the question has to be phrased in song. 'Who can cause 'bright explosions'?/ And irradiate the dew?/ And tie up Matruska Bell with a syllable or two?' With that, the answer is clearly 'The Candyman.' "—Gerald "Sammy, baby!" Bergen

"A Jewish mother causes a chain reaction after she burns the Passover dinner."—Omer

"Iridium."—Stuart Wade

"Virulent mischief from Netscape engineers to prove to Microsoft engineers that Netscape engineers are NOT weenies!"—Kevin Gregg

"Disruptive mass protests against the coercive, bureaucratic World Bank's continued infusions of low-interest capital into their disintegrating economy."—Jon Drumwright

"The Sonny and Chernobyl Variety Show broadcast by Moscow TV."—Carrie Rickey

I Don't Get This But It's Our First From the Czech Republic Corner

"Halo, amarictÌ kamar·di?"—Alena Ivankova

Yeltsin Corner

"It's Yeltzin's farewell tour. Nobody has the nerve to tell him to stop lighting his cigar when he has the hiccups."—Sam Rainer

"Boris Yeltsin farted."—David Finkle, with a bow to Aristophanes (similarly, with a bow to any 12-year-old, Mark Shotzberger)

"Boris Yeltsin's vodka-fueled spontaneous combustion."—Ellen Scordato (similarly, Carl Dietrich, Mark Wade, Jay Austin, and Jon Drumwright)

"Please list me as a similarly to all those answering with Boris Yeltsin's blood stream getting to close to an open flame."—Kevin Kenow

Self-Reference Corner

"I'm sorry, I can usually control my telekinesis better than that, but I guess I get a little too excited when Tim Carvell is on my 'similarly' list. Ah, life's small victories!"—Francis Heaney

"It can't be any worse than this cold I've had for the last week and a half."—Greg "Please send vitamin C" Diamond