"It would affix pasties to the stars in the Confederate battle flag."—P. Mattick

"Congress is going to force South Carolina to take down the Confederate flag flying over their Capitol building and replace it with a photo of Elián."—John Leary

"A ban on flying actual slaves from their statehouse domes."—Beth Sherman

"Where are the other 14 governors? Probably getting tanked up on cheap malt liquor at Hooters. Anyone know which one that might be?"—Steven Davis

"HR 9873 proposes to ignore all attacks, be they blistering, scathing, or just slightly warm, by any group of governors."—Brooke Saucier

"Uh-oh. Is Congress trying to outlaw slavery again?"—Tim Carvell (Charles Star, Anthony Wright, Chris Thomas, and Dwight K. Lemke had similar answers.)

"The proposal is to merge 36 states in the middle of the country into one giant state called 'Chicago' to increase geography test scores throughout the nation."—David C. Swanson (similarly, Charlie "Watch out, South Dakota" Glassenberg)

"The Metric State System, reducing it from an unwieldy 50 to a more manageable 10: New YorkEngland, Mid-Atlanticania, Southville, Greater Texas, Rustbeltinois, Plainsas, Mountainadoming, Espressovia, Alaskawaii, and Delaware."—Tim Olevsky

"Tom DeLay's suggestion that the Marines be used to 'beat into submission' any state that refuses to turn environmental protection responsibility over to local polluters."—Gary Frazier

"To turn South Dakota into a federal superprison reserve, population 2 million. What will happen to all those jobs?"—Neal "Action Elf" Pollack

"To recognize the Dallas Cowboys as 'America's Team.' "—R Powell

"I'm stumped, but I asked Louis Farrakhan if he had any ideas and he said, 'Thirty-six! Three-six! Three sixes, that's 666! The sign of the devil! These 36 governors are in league with the devil and the Jew media to deny the black man his right to rant incoherently!' Then I pushed him out the window. I have no idea how he got in my apartment in the first place."—Francis Heaney

"HR 4332.7, the 'I Am Too the Boss of You' Bill."—Floyd Elliot

"Governor's Weekend in Washington will now feature only two choices of entree at each meal, and each governor will only be allowed one hooker per evening."—John Leary

"A new law that requires all cute, photogenic cuban boat people to become property of CNN."—Mark 'Por favor señor Burton, you're standing on my foot!" Shotzberger (similarly, but more intrusive, Dan Dickinson)

"HR 345, the Gephardt-Bonior 'Mandatory Assassination of All Republican Governors Act.' "—Jake Tapper

"I thought New Jersey and Oregon were the only places that you can't pump your own gas. And we want to keep that right to be lazy!"—Anthony Wright

"Darn that Dick Gephardt ... he's been in the cooking sherry again, hasn't he?"—Gary Frazier

"Lowering the speed limit again (55 mph for passenger cars, 35 for Hummers, and what the hell, we'll drop it a couple of mph to 12.5 for white Town Cars in Florida—11 with turn signal). We're up to paying nearly a fourth of what the rest of the world pays for gasoline. Something must be done! Although bombing Middle Eastern bunkers on CNN seems to do the trick, too."—Jef Mallett

"The national porn tax."—Dan Dickinson

"Do away with local-pride state nicknames, and simplify the scheme: Wannabe State (D.C.). Militia State (OK, too many contenders). Flatlands (another overloaded category). Rampage State ... I'm starting to see where the 'blistering attack' is coming from."—Deborah "It's the OLD LINE state, AND it's the FREE State" Wassertzug (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"HR 39047, which would finally remove the stigma from carnal relations between a consenting adult and a loaf of bread."—Michael Gerber

"Congress wants to go back to the days when all quarters looked the same."—Paul Frellick (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"All of the states have been directed to provide 'virgin lasses of comely form' for a national sacrifice to bring back spring."—Charlie Glassenberg

"The God-given right of each governor to name his (or her) own state flower."—Jay Austin

"Peter Singer National Goodwill Tour."—T.G. Gibbon

"The Screw Everything East of the Mississippi Act of 2000."—Mark Wade

"A proposal to change the official form of address for a governor from each state's choice to a uniform 'Yo! Big Fat Pansy-Ass!' "—Floyd Elliot

"Upset about Elián, they want the right, like Florida, to have their own foreign policy and independent justice system."—Anthony Wright

One Size Fits All Corner

"They're protesting the plan to keep Elián González in Florida, while Johnny and Luther Htoo (plus the invisible soldiers) go to Cuba. Meanwhile, John and Patsy Ramsey get Michael Skakel, while Diana Ross fills out her psuedo-Supremes with Whitney Houston and a toothless Chinese granny. Which is either Congress' scheme to resolve a whole lot of domestic and international problems, or my scheme to recycle all of this week's rejected News Quiz responses."—Peter Carlin

Self-Reference Corner

"Give me a minute, I'm still reeling: Helen Gurley Brown is not a sexy grandma? Oh crap, I'm supposed to go to Aruba with her next week!"—T.G. "Wacky Predicament" Gibbon

"Reacting to the news that the National Academy of Sciences, led by Dr. Fred Gould, will now select the state candidates for the Miss America Pageant as part of their 'Not all tomatoes are equal' campaign."—R.C. Leander