"Michiko Kakutani and Peter Singer will discuss 'Why dogs are better than people and isn't it wonderful that we agree? You're the cutest! No, you're the cutest! Let's get married!' "—T.G. Gibbon

"Oh , it's no big deal. Just another overblown promotion for 'Iron Chef.' "—Doug Ingram

"I'm surprised that the Japanese care what happens to Elián."—Steven Davis (Mark Romoser, Josh Kamensky, and Peter Carlin had similar answers.)

"A historical summit meeting between the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. Oh wait. That was what Yohei Kono, editor of Tiger Beat, was referring to. Never mind."—Sharon Dynek

"Students and professors at (fill in the name of your college or university) negotiate grades before the term begins, thus saving time in all those 'But I need at least a B to keep my scholarship' pleas near the end of term."—Carl "No grades for hostages" Dietrich

"Now seems as good a time as any to turn our thoughts to more serious matters."—Deborah "Nah, just kiddin'!" Wassertzug

"ABC's Leonardo DiCaprio talking to Japan's Prime Minister Mori about Earth Day. 'And, omigod, he is like, so cute. I so cannot wait!' continued a blushing Kono."—Beth Sherman (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg and Dilan Esper)

"Earth scientists and anthropologists meet in Kyoto to announce start of new geologic era. Immediately, a wave of Cenozoic nostalgia grips Japan, and anything from the Holocene period is especially hot."—Kevin Guilfoile

"I don't know, but if the talks start with the words 'I've been thinking,' or 'We need to talk,' somebody's getting dumped. Guaranteed."—Jennifer Weiner

"Hey, don't the Japanese keep up with current events? Leonardo DiCaprio already talked with Bill Clinton, and Bill agreed to bankroll Titanic 2: Jack's Adventures on the Ocean Floor. (Oh, sorry, I thought he said epic-making significance.)"—Francis Heaney (similarly, Tim Carvell)

"Yohei Kono—Japanese for 'Rex Harrison'—is delighted by the prospect of talking to the animals. 'Perhaps we can curse in kangaroo,' he added."—Tim Carvell

"Several guys will be talking to their significant others about their feelings. Of course, the rest of us will call them little wussies."—Floyd Elliot

"The dolphins are talking to the apes … about coming after us."—Greg Diamond

"Now, now. Mr. Kono has to acknowledge that a) even if the guys in Van Halen do wind up talking to David Lee Roth, it certainly wouldn't be the first time in history that they've spoken; and b) even if the band does get back together, it would hardly be an epochal event."—Tim Carvell

"I.M. Pei and ee cummings will be discussing the pros and cons of full names and proper grammar. Oh yeah; and S.I. Newhouse will be moderating."—Larry Amoros

"Japan is seeking warmer relations with Mark McGwire. Possible 'confidence building' measures will include the testosterone-addled slugger appearing in commercials for 'Happy Strong Man' testosterone chewing gum and wearing a 'Hello Kitty' emblem on his jersey."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Bill Gates negotiating with Pope John Paul II about a leveraged buyout of the Roman Catholic Church. (Wait a minute, didn't that already happen a couple of months ago?)"—Mark Romoser

"If we can get Godzilla, Rodan, Gamora, and Mothra to sit down and agree to leave Tokyo alone, maybe they'd go and tear apart some other city ... like Redmond, Wash. Thank you very much."—Rich "Kono's come a long way since Hawaii 5-0 " Klicki (similarly, Daniel Radosh, Gary Drevitch, Steven Davis, Mark Wade, Harold Carmel, Mark Shotzberger, and Jay Austin)

"Bill confesses to Hillary about 'other women.' "—David Salzman (similarly, Colin Delaney)

"Peter Singer will chair a panel on seppuku featuring both Godzilla and Gore Vidal in the same room for the first time since Raymond Burr's funeral."—T.G. Gibbon

"Peter Singer and executives for Archer Daniels Midland; ADM is hoping to get him to do commercials plugging their Green Giant vegetarian burgers."—Andrew Hamilton

"Hello Kitty and Akira trying to jump-start their failing marriage."—Colin Delaney (similarly feline, but with Garfield, Charlie Glassenberg)

"New Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori will attempt to communicate with his nearly dead predecessor, Keizo Obuchi, to find out where in the office he kept the official karaoke machine and 'the good scotch.' "—Chris Troutt

"Emperor Akihito will be talking to a commoner about whatever."—David Finkle

"Has somebody finally said something to Sam Donaldson about that toupee?"—Jennifer Weiner

"Mickey Rooney will be apologizing to Mr. Sony for his performance in Breakfast at Tiffany's."—Matt Sullivan

"The summit between Yum-Yellow Foot-Bright Conversationally Adept Hoppy and Papa Monstrosity Fingers Furry of Shooting Arms. Those toys, they learn to talk, and look at them go!"—Josh Kamensky

"Hedging their bets against the election of George W. Bush, and the infamous Bush weak stomach, Japan announced that high level talks will soon begin with the United States on a Projectile Vomiting Ban Treaty (PVBT). A key element of the treaty will be a 12-foot Projectile Vomiting Free Zone (PVFZ) surrounding the Japanese prime minister."—Jeff Samuels

"Actually, Judge Jackson's antitrust ruling against Microsoft last week has already put the kibosh on plans by Sony's Playstation-2 cadres and the leaders of Microsoft's X-Box team to sit down and divide the Earth, the moon, and Mars into video gaming spheres of influence."—David Kent Watson

"Are the Yoshimuri Giants trying to get John Rocker from the Braves as a grand display of irony?"—Michael Genrich (similarly, Ray Hastings)

"They're finally going to resolve that 'Tastes Great' vs 'Less Filling' debate."—Lou Rayman

"The Shoguns finally let 'Anjin-san' go home to promote his book."—John Foster (similarly, Dennis Cass)

"A man successfully explained to a woman exactly why she does not look fat in those pants."—Sarah Quinn

"God and the devil will meet to discuss whether, in the wake of their failed sitcom, they should come together to plunge all of humanity into the flaming abyss."—Gary Drevitch

Prolix but Not Unpleasant Corner

"Please don't tempt me with questions like this. I might just get carried away and write something about what happens when Sadako meets Hanakosan until I realize that not a single News Quiz reader will understand the brilliant satire which I have just produced—not even if I throw in a hilarious toss-off reference about how they arrive at the meeting. One crawls out of the television set, the other crawls out of the toilet—get it? No, you don't. Forget it. You have to be here."—Ann Gavaghan

" 'Pliocene epoch, fifth and most recent division of the Tertiary period of the Cenozoic era on the geologic time scale (see Geology), spanning an interval from about 5 million to 1.6 million years ago. Like the Miocene, which preceded it, the Pliocene was named and defined by the British geologist Sir Charles Lyell on the basis of the percentage of modern species of shellfish found in the fossil record.' I have no idea for a joke here, but since I lifted the above directly from encarta.msn.com, I figured you already owned it, what the heck."—Mark Wade

"NASA will be talking to Jodie Foster about a strange pulsing light coming from the Big Dipper; Jodie Foster will be talking to Nancy Reagan about John Hinckley Jr.'s possible parole; John Hinckley Jr. will be talking to the librarian at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library to see if they have a copy of Taxi Driver; Nancy Reagan will be talking to the FAA about keeping Hinckley at least 150 feet from Ronald Reagan National Airport; and the FAA will be talking to NASA about a pilot's report of a strange pulsing light coming from the Big Dipper. I'm sorry, what was the question?"—Jeff Samuels

Self-Reference Corner

"My X-husband and I about his intention to help support our children."—B. Boop

"I don't really care; I love to wear my new Slate cap!"—Carl Dietrich

"We've been trying to get a general contractor to return our call for weeks now, so I know just how Minister Kono feels about this. With this kind of publicity, though, I'm sure he'll find someone to work on the Japanese Embassy building in no time at all!"—Rose White