"He claims the Republican presidential nomination."—Steve Spencer (Daniel Kahn, David Salzman, Matthew Carroll, Chip Roush, Doug Ingram, Tim Olevsky, Joy Nolan, and Andrew Milner had similar answers.)

"They have to be re-enacted by the Justice Department."—Beth Sherman

"Throwing up their hands in despair and moving to Canada."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Daniel Kahn)

"Cooking; they'll be much juicier and more tender."—Floyd Elliot (similarly, Rose White)

"The child starts putting dresses and lipstick on the reluctant family dog. (Damn, I know I'm gonna get a 'similarly' for that one.)"—Danny Spiegel

"Adding 'pipe bomb' or 'semi-automatic' to the list of disallowed words in their Internet search engine."—Chip Roush

"Nov. 7. Happy Families = Votes for Gore."—Daryle Graf (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"Something happens to upset Wayne LaPierre."—Martin Gidron (similarly, Gary Frazier and Anthony Wright)

"They go making snide remarks about anyone else's kids and families. And that goes double for my Stevie Junior and his quote-unquote exhibitionism."—Matt Heimer

"Getting drunk, as diminished reflexes on your part can give a child the upper hand when he attempts to prevent you from attaching the electrodes."—Francis Heaney

"Forming a single-file line, exiting the Oval Office in an orderly fashion, and placing 'Hillary 2000' contributions in the large plastic bins that have been provided."—Jennifer Weiner

"The late child looks down from heaven and finds her appalling mom and dad falling over each other to answer the appalling Barbara Walters' question, 'Do you dream of JonBenet?' "—Ken Tucker

"Selling their story to the National Enquirer."—Barry Johnson (similarly, Matt Sullivan; but Rikki Lake, Matt Heimer; but Montel, Jennifer Weiner)

"Fox uses it as the basis of a new sitcom."— Greg Diamond (similarly, Ken Tucker and Tim Carvell)

"Christina Aguilera gets her claws in."—Joy Nolan

"My grant money runs out."—Jacob Stohler

"Robots take over the world, apparently."—Gus Robertson

"We all die."—Anthony Wright

"The 12^th automatic weapon is purchased in a given month."—Doug Ingram (similarly, Bruce Gallemore and William Vehrs)

"The Simpsons, on Fox, at 7."—Ellis Weiner (similarly, but Millionairian, Brooke Saucier; but Malcolm in the Middle, Peter Lerangis; but only pro forma, Francis Heaney)

"Sunrise. Which is also an ideal time to woo Julie Delpy."—Tim Carvell

"Stanford."—Matt Sullivan

"Passover. Because if tension lingers, the afikoman often stays hidden. For a looooong time."—Josh Kamensky

"The child walks in on the father getting a hummer from a chubby intern."—Larry Amoros (similarly, Adam Bonin and Jon Zerolnick)

"Breaking out the ass-paddle. Unless, of course, they're British."—Paul Tullis (similarly, Chris Thomas; and specifically Chelsea, Steven Davis)

"This laser shears off your legs below the knee! How do you like that, Mr. Bond, MSW, MP?"—Josh Kamensky

"Letting those amateurish and underqualified 'parents' have a go at it."—Jud Mathews

"Asking Al Sharpton to step in."—Tamarine Cornelius

"Invoking the spirit of Marie Laveau."—Laura Miller

"The fires and the unexplained pet disappearances start."—Les Leyne

" 'The raccoons get into the kitchen.' As the last White House official remaining of the original posse who came east from Arkansas with President Clinton in 1993, Hyman's folksy press conferences have so entertained the press over the years that they've never pursued the question of his shaking down institutionalized patients for campaign contributions. Luckily, we here at the American Spectator are made of sterner stuff."—Greg "______________" Diamond

"Drugging them into an obedient stupor. Wait, that's the real answer, isn't it? All right, just add me to the 'Calling Dr. Laura' list."—Colleen Clish

Round the Clock Corner

"Breakfast."—Katha Pollitt, Paul Tullis

"Lunch. That way, they have the whole afternoon free for racquetball and online investing."—Tim Carvell and David L. Duncan

"Happy hour."— Matt Heimer

"Dinner."—Peter Lerangis (similarly, Daniel Kahn and Steve Roche)

"Bedtime."—Evan Cornog

Miracle of Life Corner

"Conception."—Dennis Cass

"Amnio."—Carrie Rickey

"The first contraction."—David Finkle (similarly, Marshall Efron)

"Birth. It would save us all a lot of time."—Tim Carvell and Matthew Cole

Self-Reference Corner

Let me see. ... Is there a no school-shooting zone invoked here, or were you just relying on our innate restraint and decorum to keep this from getting ugly?"—Lynn Rosetta-Cusick ( just got married!)

"Making Colleen Werthmann babysit."—Colleen Werthmann

"See Star, Charles, 'News Quiz No 400' March 16, 2000."—Charles Star

"Calling the NIMH and whining to me. Don't these people understand I'm busy playing catch-up on the dawn monkey project?"—Matt Heimer (similarly, Joy Nolan and Tom Brown)

"They deluge the News Quiz with requests for ponies and extinct animals."—Daniel Kahn