articlesJokes 46-60
60) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
59) The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. A 35-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
58) I always wanted to be that last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. (Ronnie Shakes)
57) Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called "new-car interior." (Rita Rudner)
56) Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me for exactly what I was: a punishment from God. (David Steinberg)
55) I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." (Emo Philips)
54) I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" (Emo Philips)
53) A genie offers to fulfill an old Jewish man's any one wish. The old man requests that there be peace in the Middle East. The genie admits that peace in the Middle East is beyond his powers. It's a conflict as old as time itself, with intractable religious, social, and economic issues involved. Is there any other one wish he would be satisfied with? The old man thinks for a moment and then asks if just once, possibly, he could receive oral sex from his wife. The genie thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, when you say the word 'peace,' do you mean…"
52) If you're born a suspect, everybody is scared of you. I can walk down the street anywhere in America and women will clutch their purses, hold on to their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1 …and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
51) The king of Sweden was out hunting in the woods with one of his assistants. As they looked around, suddenly there appeared in the clearing another man. The king raised his rifle. The man shouted, "I'm not a moose!" The king fired a shot and killed the man. Stunned, the assistant said, "Sire, he said, 'I'm not a moose.' " "Oh," said the king. "I thought he said, 'I am a moose.' "
50) Groucho, timing the pulse of an unconscious man: "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped!"
49) Two guys are walking through the desert a couple of miles outside town. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites one right on the head of his penis. The guy screams in agony. His friend doesn't know what to do. "Get a doctor!" his crumpled friend pleads. So the guy runs as fast as he can all the way back to town. He runs through the streets, pounds on doors, and finally finds the town doctor, who is midway through delivering a baby."I can't go out there--I've got to deliver this child," the doctor tells the man, "but here's what you have to do. You have to suck the poison out. Suck all the poison out of the wound before it spreads to the heart--and do it fast!" So the guy runs, two miles, all the way out to the desert. He is almost completely exhausted as he finally reaches his friend, who is lying there, clutching his private parts, writhing in pain."What did the doc say?" the guy asks."Doctor says you're going to die."
48) I'm a major hypochondriac. I won't even masturbate anymore. I'm afraid I might give myself something. (Richard Lewis)
47) My family wasn't very religious. On Hanukkah they had a menorah on a dimmer. (Richard Lewis)
46) There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there was one patient, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY. Well, finally one nurse feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back the next morning smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis."Yes," replies the nurse, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA.' ""Wow!" they say."ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," she continues. "ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES … ESTABLISHED 1922 … PARTIES OUR SPECIALTY."
