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Jokes 31-45

45) They say that animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Gene Perret, for Bob Hope)

44) I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!""Why shouldn't I?" he said."Well, there's so much to live for.""Like what?""Well, are you religious?"He said yes.I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?""Christian.""Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?""Protestant.""Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?""Baptist.""Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?""Baptist Church of God!""Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?""Reformed Baptist Church of God!""Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

43) What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase. (Henny Youngman)

42) When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually. (Steven Wright)

41) This man was a bigot and a bed wetter. He used to go to the Ku Klux Klan meetings wearing a rubber sheet. (Woody Allen)

40) Man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.""What is your sin, my child?" the priest replies."Well," the man starts. "I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.""When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest."I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.""Is that when you swore?""No, Father," says the man. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.""Is that when you swore?" asks the father again."Well, no," says the man."You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in its talons and began to fly away!""Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest."No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.""Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest."No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within 6 inches of the hole."The priest sighs, "Now I see. You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

39) Before I was 21, I read that nonalcoholic beer had .03 percent alcohol content. So I did a little equation and figured out that if I drank 280 of them, I would get drunk. I tried it and never got drunk, but I could finally pee my full name in the snow. I was even peeing John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt, because his name is my name too. (Eddie Ifft)

38) My great-grandfather was an old Indian fighter. My great-grandmother was an old Indian.

37) I had this happen to me twice within a week and a half. I was sitting on a subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a man says to me, "Excuse me, are you reading that paper?" The first time it happened, I didn't know what to say. What are you going to say? You're nearsighted? The next time, I was ready. I said yes, I stood up, turned the page and sat down. (David Brenner)

36) The emotional-, psychological-, and mental-evaluation test-score results on the Unabomber just came back. Monday he starts at the post office. (David Brenner)

35) Two old men are chatting. One man says, "My friend, you must try this memory pill I'm taking. I remember everything. It's amazing, this pill." The other man says, "Sounds wonderful. What is the name of the pill?" The first man says, "Euf! (???) The name of the pill!... Let's see... Hmmm, what is the name of the flower... with the thorns? It's red... You give it on Valentine's Day?" The other man says, "A rose?" The first man says, "Yes, that's right!" Then, calling for his wife, he says, "Rose, what is the name of that pill?"

34) An old man is sitting in the park crying. Asked by a young fellow why he is crying, the old man reports that he is having an affair with a beautiful young woman. The young fellow asks the old man, "Then why are you crying?" The old man says, "I forgot where she lives!"33) An old fella's buddies send him a hooker. When the hooker appears at the old fella's door, she says, "I'm here to give you super sex." The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

32) My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn't a moving violation. (Woody Allen)

31) Two old Jewish guys find out Hitler is going to be on a street corner in Berlin at noon on Tuesday. They assemble an arsenal of weapons, they stake out a perch, and they wait. They are going to kill Hitler! At 11:55 a.m., they are ready! Fingers on their triggers, they wait. They're ready. Twelve noon arrives. No Hitler. But they're ready! 12:05 arrives. No Hitler. But they're ready. 12:10 comes. Still no Hitler. 12:20, Still no Hitler. And one of the guys turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope he's all right."