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Jokes 16-30

30) Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $10) One of the men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What, are you crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your $10?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think about?"

29) The queen of England is appearing on a game show with several other celebrities. Each celebrity contestant is asked to ascertain the identity of an object. The celebrity who guesses the object after the fewest clues wins. First, the home audience is told that the object in question is a horse's cock. Michael Caine goes first and asks, "Is it bigger than a bread box?" He is assured that the object is indeed bigger than a bread box. John Major goes second and asks, "Is it edible?" He is assured that the object is indeed edible. The queen's turn comes next, and she says, "Well, let's see. It's bigger than a bread box, and it's edible. Hmmm, could it by chance be a horse's cock?"

28) Guy finds a snail on his front stoop. He picks it up and throws it across the street. One year later, he hears a knock at his door. The man goes to the door, opens the door, looks down, and there he sees the snail back on his front stoop. And the snail looks up at the guy and says, "What the hell was that all about!"

27) A drunk is staggering down the street with one foot in the gutter and one foot on the curb. A cop stops him and says, "You're drunk!" The drunk replies, "Thank God! I thought I was crippled."

26) A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is you have Alzheimer's. The worse news is you have inoperable cancer and you'll be dead in two months." The man says, "Well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"

25) I went to a store and the sign said, OPEN 24 HOURS. When I got there, there was a guy outside locking it up. I said, "what are you doing, the sign says OPEN 24 HOURS?" And he said, "Not in a row." (Steven Wright)

24) A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)

23) I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they're dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

22) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please, God, save my only grandson! Bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to Heaven and says, "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)

21) When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot. (Ellen DeGeneres)

20) A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "It's your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three $100 bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint my house."

19) Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he were off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

18) Jack Benny is walking down the street and a stickup man pulls out a gun and says, "Your money or your life! "An extremely long silence follows. The gunman gets exasperated. "I said, 'Your money or your life!' " Benny says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

17) Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv."So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks."Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex. Lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep. But I get up for lunch, have a big lunch.. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.""Oh, my God," says Sid. "So that's what heaven is like?""Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

16) I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright)