Let 'Em Write About, Sing to, Dance on, and Eat Cake

By Randy Cohen

Philip Roth, Antoine (Fats) Domino, Miss Gwen Verdon, the Sara Lee Corp. What's the connection?

by noon ET Thursday to e-mail your answer (newsquiz@slate.com).

Responses to Tuesday's question (No. 131)--"Short, Sharp Shock":
Judge Vaughn Walker of San Francisco's federal district court ruled that the police did no wrong when they inflicted "transient pain." What did they do?

" 'This is an outrage!' shouted Mr. Joseph Delveccio after Judge Walker read his verdict. 'When I hired those off-duty cops, I specifically requested continual pain. Thanks to their incompetence, it was the most boring weekend I've ever spent hogtied in an abandoned warehouse.' "--Doug Strauss

"I'm not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with 'B-1' Bob Dornan running for his old seat again."--Adam Bonin

"They didn't spend enough time cuddling afterward, claiming they had to get up early for roll call, and beat a hasty retreat for the door."--Colleen Werthmann

"They applied pepper spray doused swabs to environmental protesters' eyes. The environmentalists haven't responded to the judge's decision because it has yet to be issued in Braille."--Barry Crimmins

"These damn tree huggers don't know what pain really is. Instead of a couple of squirts of pepper spray directly in their open eyes, if the cops hammered a couple of 2 cent nails in there instead I bet they'd know the meaning of pain. Christ, this mollycoddling of the innocents gives me a pain. Anything Black & Decker makes I'd like to use on them."--Marshall Efron

Click here for more responses.

Randy's Wrap-Up
Few "News Quiz" participants, seeing San Francisco in the question, took the opportunity to deliver a wry retort at the expense of homosexuals. This oversight could have been avoided had you studied Jay Leno's Jokebook, the manual that helps staff writers keep the popular late night program meeting expectations show after show after show after show. Stop, look, and learn.
From the appendix "City Signifiers," we discover--

• San Francisco = gay
  
• New York City = dirty and dangerous
  
• Los Angeles = show business craziness
  
• Chicago = tainted meat processed in filthy slaughterhouses (apparently the Chicago entry hasn't been updated since Upton Sinclair wrote for the show)
  
• New Orleans = brutal and corrupt police eating gumbo
  
• Miami = old Jews eating some sort of old Jew food
  
• Boston = old bluenoses; I'll have the Jews on the side

Any Marks or Scars Answer
The police rubbed pepper spray in the eyes of demonstrators, as many of you knew. (Click any damn place you please.)
When protesters resisting the cutting of old growth trees chained themselves to fences at the Pacific Lumber Co., Humbolt County and Eureka police officers doused cotton swabs with pepper spray, rubbed the swabs across demonstrators' eyes, and sprayed them in the face.
Walker ruled that this did not constitute excessive force, noting that the demonstrators had invaded private property and obstructed business. While it was excruciatingly painful, there were no permanent injuries, much as there are not when a powerful electric shock is applied to the genitals, a practice not endorsed by Walker, Humbolt County, or the town of Eureka. Not officially.

Government-Funded Extra
Summaries of actual pamphlets from the federal government's "Consumer Information Catalog." Order toll-free at (888) 878-3256 or online at www.pueblo.gsa.gov.

• "Air Bags and On-Off Switches" (50 cents)--Nothing to do with Halloween deviltry. Seems to involve keeping shorter people unsquashed.
  
• "Backyard Bird Problems" (free)--Very judgmental. Makes "nesting in gutters" sound like some kind of crime. Who hasn't?
  
• "Deputy Fire Marshal Kit" (free)--Eerily reminiscent of paramilitary youth organizations of fascist states in the '30s. Promises to teach kids "cool rules" of fire safety.
  
• "Protecting Your Child" (free)--"Teaching your child to be aware and alert but not fearful and afraid." Or perhaps the other way around. I just skimmed.
  
• "Are There Any Public Lands for Sale?" ($1)--As it turns out, no. "There is no more available for homesteading." A cruel prank on any sap with a dollar.
  
• "Critical Steps Toward Safer Seafood" (free)--Teaches fish to be aware and alert but not fearful and afraid.
  
• "Fever Blisters and Canker Sores" (50 cents)--So you're a writer? Anything I might have read?
  
• "Taming Tummy Turmoil" (free)--Particularly useful for the sea bass feeling fearful and afraid.
  
• "All That Glitters ... The Jive on Jewelry" (50 cents)--If you just glance at the title, it looks like "The Jive on Jewry," which is kind of funny but gave me tummy turmoil.
  
• "The U.S. and the Metric System" (50 cents)--Some people don't know when they're licked.

Disclaimer: All submissions will become the property of Slate and will be published at Slate's discretion. Slate may publish your name on its site in connection with your submission.