"For local release, American Beauty will be retitled Beauty of the People's Republic of China, and footage of Mena Suvari and Thora Birch topless will be replaced with scenes of a giant dam being built."--Daniel Radosh

"Ordered the 'Social Stability and Safety' banquet china serving set with matching dessert plates for a thousand from Martha Stewart Living."--Merrill Markoe

"The public will not be told that Judd Nelson has left Suddenly Susan until after the celebration."--Dennis Cass

"Arrested the top American investigative reporter who's been covering atrocities in East Timor. Whoops, no, that was Indonesia. But you have to admit that it would be funnier if it were China, because China would only deport him instead of jailing him for 10 years."--Greg "Elephant Princess" Diamond

"Canceled the Limp Bizkit concert."--Mark Greenberg

"Hired the team behind Woodstock '99 to provide security services."--Eric Fredericksen

"Fired traditional Chinese celebratory rockets toward Taiwan to show their friendly intentions. Or they could have been silkworm missiles; hey, rockets are rockets."--Floyd Elliot

"Nuke Japan."--Neal Pollack

"Strictly enforced the 'No Line Dancing on the Great Wall' statute."--Larry Amoros

"Erected huge billboards displaying the giant face of Gary Bauer and the admonition: 'All people of China, if you misbehave in any manner, this monster from far away will fly here and eat your children.' "--Marshall Efron

"They let a thousand flowers bloom, and then brought the tanks out to squash them flat."--Andrew "Tiananmen, What Tiananmen?" Staples (Ann Gavaghan, Bob Melgeorge, Richard Laidlaw, David Finkle, and Steve Spencer had similarly nostalgic answers.)

"They did what every authoritarian government does to oppress the people: fluoridated the water supply. (For more information, check out my Web site at www.y2kconspiracy.com.)"--Noah Meyerson

"At long last, a joint custody agreement between Gen. Tso and Gen. Chang over all spicy chicken."--Bill Scheft (similarly, Michael S. Gilman)

"The state police will be burning scores of dissidents to death with an incendiary tear gas recipe stolen from Los Alamos."--Michael J. Basial

"Posters of the party chairman have been replaced with the beatific image of Drew Barrymore."--Daniel Krause

"The Chinese army is teaming up with the FBI to promote alternative religious views."--Jon W. Davis

"Renamed their capital building 'The Ministry of Love.' "--Al Cloutier

"Strenuously assured the country that Roberto Benigni was not Chinese."--Michael S. Gilman

"Outlawed the two-drink minimum at all bars and nightclubs."--Pamela Weishaar

"Overruled Tori Spelling as the lead in The Peony Pavilion."--Jim O'Grady

"They will secretly hold the actual celebration on Sept. 30, thus eliminating the problem of crowd control."--John Tyrrell (similarly, Rick Wetendorf)

"Dug up all the victims of the Tiananmen Square massacre and shot them again."--Floyd "Just a Tropical Storm Now" Elliot (similarly, Bradley Corsello)

"In order to promote social stability during the 50^th anniversary, the party published a strict list of '50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.' Most popular? 'Drop off the key, Lee.' "--Cliff Schoenberg

"Chinese food deliverymen will be strictly prohibited from riding their bicycles on the sidewalk."--Richard Primoff

"Sade's 'Sweetest Taboo' on a constant loop, broadcast from loudspeakers on every street corner."--Danny Spiegel

"Canceled the scheduled wet Mao jacket competition."--Evan Cornog

"Airing a Touched by an Angel marathon on state-run TV in order to keep those pesky Falun Gong members glued to the set. (Who doesn't love Della Reese?)"--Ann Gavaghan

"Rescore the pop hit 'Kung-Fu Fighting' for strings and oboe."--David Feige

"Ban South Park."--Paul Tullis

"They banned Super Soakers. I'm sure someone somewhere will release a toy electric cattle prod by Oct. 1, though, rendering their gesture utterly pointless."--Francis Heaney

"I don't know, but they borrowed some trucks and spray from Rudy Giuliani to do it."--Mac Thomason

"Convinced 'entertainer' Bob Dylan to kick off the festivities."--Lance White

"Little Red Book integrated into Mandarin-language version of Windows 2000."--Chris Hammett

"Hiring Christo to wrap Tiananmen Square, and all potential dissidents, with 50,000 meters of crimson silk."--Carrie Rickey

I Don't Get This but I've Got a Good Feeling About It Corner

"Is al th0se things and you did not mention wet."--Bill Schwarz

Self-Reference Corner

"Well, now that I know how the Common Denominator works, here's my answer: penis. Penis, penis, penis. Bob Dole's penis. Penis, penis, penis."--Michael J. Basial

"Yadda, yadda, something about my penis, yadda, yadda, yadda."--Alex Pascover

"As I write this, Yom Kippur is only a few hours away, and I very much wanted to take the opportunity to atone publicly for the series of vicious and nasty jokes I have made at every available opportunity about William Kristol. But it would be pointless to do so, Randy, because, dammit, you never run any of them!"--Greg Diamond