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No. 298: "Fair Play"

By Randy CohenPosted Wednesday, Sept. 1, 1999, at 3:30 AM ET

"I'm so excited!" hairstylist Richard Ferris said Monday at the Syracuse, N.Y., State Fair. "This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me." What happened to Ferris?

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Send your answer by noon ET Thursday to .

Thursday's Question(No 297)--"Ick":

Fill in the blank as John Christakos, president of Blu Dot Design and Manufacturing, discusses the latest trends in his industry. "We worried people would say, 'Oh, ick, see the _____________.' That hasn't happened."

"Gills on that cow."--Floyd Elliot

"Dead people falling off the thrill rides."--Pamela Weishaar

"Crushed appendages of our Third World workers."--David Lofquist

"Way Richard Nixon's face bleeds off the side of the urinal cake. In fact, aim has improved by 80 percent since we introduced these."--Kate Wing

"Dead Turks--or ugly modular furniture constructed to shoddy specs."--Molly Shearer Gabel

Click here for more answers.

Randy's Wrap-Up

Were it an ordinary quiz and were you ordinary quiz participants, I'd dilate on your detestation of cutesy unconventional spelling. (What does it mean when the boyz make illiteracy a fashion? And is a resistance to that fashion, a clinging to conventional spellings, just a class marker and a reactionary one at that?) But it is not an ordinary quiz, it is one where I thank Chris Kelly and Tim Carvell for taking time away from whatever it is they do (I've written it down someplace, but you know how it is when you're just back from vacation; everything is at sixes and sevens.) to be such excellent quiz wranglers. And you are not ordinary quiz participants, according to both guest hosts, each of whom expressed his amazement at seeing so many first-rate responses. Apparently my plan of throwing out the really good ones has now been exposed. In the future, I'll try to be, if not more discerning, at least more cunning about concealing my limitations--you know, like Johnny Cash in that movie where he cudn't reed gud.

Tim Carvell's Answer

Just wanted to let you know--the secret word for today's News Quiz is: particleboard. The quote comes from the Page One, center-column story in last Thursday's Wall Street Journal about particleboard's growing acceptance in the design community. Christakos is describing an $89 coffee table with particleboard edges. "It actually looks kind of cool," he says. "We worried people would say, 'Oh, ick, see the particleboard.' That hasn't happened." The Wall Street Journal then gives its readers some tough love: "For those still inclined to say 'ick' at the sight of particleboard, the message is simple: Get used to it." To which most readers, no doubt, will respond aloud, "No, you get used to it, you puss. You want a piece of this?"

Perfect Pairs Extra

Coke and Pepsi, Crest and Colgate, Bush and Gore--the more lackluster and indistinguishable the products, the more each category tends to generate a dominant duo vying to appeal to consumers in what is an essentially trivial decision. And so it is in the Time and Newsweek world of magazines. Below, a two-parter:

The Putative Pairs

Which of the following duos are genuine?

1. Becky and Becky's Beanie Month

Mary Beth's Bean Bag World Monthly

2. Teddy Bear & Friends

Teddy Bear Club International

3. Stamping Arts & Crafts

Rubber Stamper

4. Muscle Media

Pump

5. Full Draw Bowhunting

Bowhunting

6. Today's Golfer

Golf

7. Forbes

Archaeology

Extra Credit

Match each cover story with the magazine in which it appears.

A. "Via Osito"

B. "The Inside Story on Growlers and Squeakers"

C. "Get Huge and Ripped"

D. "Adding Shimmer to Your Work"

E. "Rut Tactics That Bag the Giants"

F. "Hit It Long and Strong"

G. "Valley of the Gilded Mummies"

Answers

All pairs are genuine, although Forbes and Archaeology may be an imperfect match; Forbes might more accurately be paired with Bloated Plutocrat, were there such a magazine. Oh and by the way, have Ellen Barkin and Ron Perelman--I've been away--begun divorce proceedings yet?

The cover stories run in the same order as the magazines; each is from the latter title in each pair.

Best in Breed

Most delightful sentence in Tuesday's New York Times: "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem ... now you're just a mouse-click away."

Common Denominator

Contempt for innovative spelling.

Common Denominator in the Personal Ads of the Saratoga Paper

NASCAR fan.

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