" 'If I can't be Ginger, I'll be Fred,' the young Slobodan Milosevic promised himself."--Beth Sherman

"The Old West (UPI)--Goldurn it! Black Bart nearly waylaid the morning stagecoach today, but the alert driver swerved into Bart's horse and elbowed him in the gut. Unconfirmed reports state that 'Black Bart was a-hoppin' mad! Hee hee! He looked like someone'd stuck a lit match in 'tween his toes! Hee hee!' This reporter'll be danged!"--Francis Heaney (Floyd Elliot had a similar answer.)

"Ann Miller's long-pent-up resentment of Debbie Reynolds finally boiled over Friday afternoon, during a matinee performance at Detroit's Fox Theater."--Tim Carvell

"Mia Hamm was denied the opportunity to display her choice of sports bra today, elbowed aside by a shirtless Brandi Chastain."--Andrew Staples (similarly, Richard Nikonovich-Kahn)

"Patrick Ewing's new tap dancing career came to an abrupt end yesterday ..."--Ananda "What the Hell Is the Big Deal, It's Not Like She Wasn't Wearing a Bra" Gupta

"A USA Today Insta-Poll shows dolphin popularity plummeting as research reveals they kill. (We don't like killer dolphins!) In response, ABC dropped Skipper from his role as a sensitive dolphin/high-school guidance counselor in a teen drama slated for the fall."--Jim O'Grady

"An institution among the delicatessati for over 75 years, the Stage closed its doors yesterday after being leveled by a record $4.9 billion tort award. Lawyers for the plaintiff claimed that deli management continually encouraged reckless and aggressive behavior on the part of its waitstaff, 'pushing the pastrami while putting profits above people.' "--Michael Fein

"Reprint from April 1865 edition: Scant moments before his debut as Gus in the gay new theatrical production Our American Cousin, renowned Lakota Sioux thespian Hot-foot was rudely jostled into the orchestra-pit by a gun-wielding mad-man at Ford's Theater in the capital yesterday. President Lincoln attended the performance but could not be reached for comment at press-time."--Mark "Hyphen" Houser

"The last words of William Shakespeare were revealed today ..."--Brooke Saucier

"A young dancer in a Harlem revival of Grease was tragically killed Saturday night when 47 off-duty police officers in attendance mistook one of his dance moves for a gun and fired 237 times upon him, thus raising his body temperature (including his feet) to approximately 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit."--Brian Doherty

"Former Apollo astronaut Charles 'Pete' Conrad, who died Thursday of injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident, will be buried July 19 at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia, according to the Orange County Register."--Ethan Underwood

"In an era of retro chic, what could be retro chic-er than a swinging '60s-style dance craze with a '90s mosh pit twist: The Hotfoot is swerving and elbowing its way across New York clubs."--Matthew "Swinger" Singer

"The newly discovered audiotapes, captured through the car's internal security system, are as poignant as they are astounding. 'I can't find my seatbelt!' says the princess. 'Oh, don't worry about it,' says her companion, Dodi al Fayed, 'I never use one.' Then he addressed a final command to his driver. 'Make sure to take the tunnel! They'll never find us there!' "--Peter Carlin

"Hindu coal-walking priests come to blows in national championship."--Justin Warner

"Clinton vs. Clinton, an allegory/steel-cage match in one act."--Alfred Cloutier

"Latrell Sprewell let go from cast of new Lloyd Webber musical."--Al Petrosky

"Hugh Downs reporting."--Daniel Krause

"President Ford, back on the golf course ..."--Molly Shearer Gabel

"Ann-Margret has done it again, this time in Las Vegas."--Alison Rogers

"More on sports-crazed kids and the soccer moms who love them. Dispatch from a Little League field. (See Time this week.)"--Leah Platt

"You thought the headline referred to a story? We were all taken in. A wag at the Times somehow sneaked in an anagram of the newspaper's famous slogan--you know: 'Oh Wow! Sage, over-the-top, fat snob class hatred.' "--Andrew Silow-Carroll

"The first X Games gold medal for Flaming Skateboarding (Free Style), an event known among its adherents as the 'burn board,' was posthumously awarded today."--R. Hastings

"Tap dancer Savion Glover got a taste of the mosh pit on the opening night of his new show Bring in da Noise, Bring in da Punk. He was 'getting his swerve on' to the Sex Pistols' version of 'God Save the Queen' when a sharp elbow ..."--Matt Sullivan

"Swerve and Sharp Elbow, the rap stars known for their spinal disorders, were thrown out of the Caesars Palace Casino Showroom by management for dousing magician David Copperfield with buckets of water during the finale of his act, a spectacular illusion known as 'Torch the German Supermodel.' "--Larry Amoros

"Hillary Clinton's stage debut was cut short last night when the entire cast of Cats began pummeling her with their soft furry paws in protest of her revival of the administration's ill-fated health plan. Mr. Mistoffolees reportedly said, 'Get that f***ing carpetbagger off the stage.' "--Lonnie "Yeah, I Work in the Theatre Business, So What?" Cooper

"Hillary Clinton told the New York Association of Health Care Executives Friday that she had 'learned her lesson' and 'would not support a prescription drug plan that impacted pharmaceutical company profits.' A swift attack by two dozen elbow-flailing senior citizens on crutches drove her from the stage."--Steve Schecter

"Sounds like things are getting rough in the Republican presidential primary race if they're already using bike-racing tactics."--Jon Snow

"Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley's condition was upgraded to stable after a freak accident on Broadway Friday night. 'I told Dennehy, "Arms at your SIDE!--Just like the girls!" but it was impossible with that gin and tonic sloshing about.' "--Ellen Macleay

"The John Wayne retrospective at the Film Forum features the Duke in that 1939 John Ford classic ..."--Carrie Rickey

"There's just no way I can fit 'Laetitia Casta at midfield' into this answer."--Al Petrosky

"Quickly pushing fellow actors aside in the middle of a performance of her show Amy's View when she learned her husband had pleurisy, Dame Judi Dench has been brought up on charges of assault by Actor's Equity."--David Finical

"Dejected, A. Alfred Taubman, chairman of Sotheby's International, held his head as he watched several brawny workers unscrew and haul away the famed auction stage, utilized for the last century in New York. 'What the hell was I thinking?' he queried, raising his hands to the ceiling."--Dave Gaffen

"The editorial management of the New York Times, along with Tina Brown and a bunch of other people who are smarter, prettier, and richer than you, announced today that 'headlines that actually describe a story clearly are, like, so 1995.' "--Floyd Elliot

"Jesse 'The Bald' Ventura took it upon himself to assert America's hegemony today, heaving Chinese Prime Minister Jiang Zemin into the third row of a White House press conference. 'You've won this round, Body,' Jiang sneered, before jumping into a vehicle of similarly sneering henchmen and driving away, cackling wildly."--Dave Gaffen

Self-Reference Corner

"David Stanton's son, Johnny, will no longer be forced to bear the symbolic freight of life's gossamer transience in Stanton's daily diary entries to Slate, an online magazine. Seems Johnny, like the roiling surface of a Midwestern river shot through with molten sunlight, like the clenched river of our too-short days, peed his pants while trying to reel in a monster trout, apparently knocking his father insensible."--Jim O'Grady