Slate's Bizbox
articles:

The Godzilla SUV

By Gregg Easterbrook
Posted Friday, June 18, 1999, at 3:30 AM ET
Dangerous. Gigantic. Wasteful. Just what you're looking for!


Technical | Safety | Comfort | Electronics | Options | Colors | Special Editions

Magnitude Motors presents the

With Available Fannie Mae FinancingBuy Now and Receive a Free Sierra Club Membership!We Care About the Environment--All Our SUVs Are Certified Dolphin-Safe!
Back to Slate
There's something you want to say about yourself. Say it with the new Godzilla SUV.

The Godzilla is big--extremely big. Excessive. Extravagant. Deadly? Of course. But not to you.

Because when you think about it, who do you really care about? Yourself, perhaps your loved ones. Everyone else is just in the way. When you're driving the Godzilla, they will run for cover. And if they don't? Well, it's not like they weren't warned.

Exciting features include the "Sure-Crush" collision-attrition system, guaranteed to obliterate even those measly little first-generation SUVs. To let them know you're coming, "Insta-Dazzle" extra-high floodlight-rated headlights. Forward battering ram. Onboard oil refinery. Choice of couch or Barcalounger driver's seating.

It's been said that SUV owners are selfish, gluttonous, even anti-social. That's exactly the customer we are looking for--and we're finding more every day! After all, somebody is going to hog the road and waste gasoline. It might as well be you.



The Godzilla SUV. Because of what it says about you.
Back to Slate

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:Engine: 800 horsepower military-rated turbine with afterburner.Emissions control system: Dual cooling towers.Fuel consumption: You bet. (All mileage figures stated in gallons per mile.)Drivetrain: Six-axle all-wheel-drive with oversized "Lunar Lander" spiked tires, stream-fording pontoons, tow winch, ballast tanks, cow catcher.PLEASE NOTE: Vehicle cannot be operated off-road under any circumstances.
SAFETY FEATURES:Steel-jacketed, proximity-fused "Repulsor" bumpers.Razor-wire trim package.Cell-phone air bag for ear protection during collisions.Retro rockets, drogue chute.PLEASE NOTE: For added safety, vehicle will operate only when cell phone is in use.
COMFORT AND CONVENIENCE:Molded "Easy Grip" access ladders. Cup holders that accommodate anything from a Starbucks grande to a beer keg. Coat closet, nanny/maid's chamber, guest house.Guaranteed overnight FedEx delivery to and from trunk. PLEASE NOTE: Federal law prohibits use of this vehicle as a day-care center.
ELECTRONICS FEATURES:Hard-wired, encrypted network for communication with back seat. Driver-viewable wide-screen television. Custom sound system by Klaxon, with exclusive Richter scale subwoofers. Radar transponder with encoding altimeter. Remote CD changer at an undisclosed location. PLEASE NOTE: Driver-viewable television is certainly not intended for viewing when driving.
OPTIONS:Observation deckSelf-inflating tennis bubbleArboretumZIP code
COLOR CHOICES:
Road Rage Red
Night Surprise Black
Clear-Cut Forest Green
Fade-to-Gray Metallic
Pure Suburban White

SPECIAL EDITIONS:


THE MINDY D'STASIO SQUEAL-MOBILE EDITION:
Monochrome all-pink exterior, interior, and engine compartment; pink leather captain's chairs with trundle beds; automatic halter-top adjustment; 125-decibel horn says, "Yeah right!" and "Get out!"; room for 35,000 teen-agers (sorry, no assigned seating).
Click here for Everything Mindy!!!


THE "NORTH FACE" EDITION:
Includes sleeping bags rated to -70 degrees, Coleman stove, climbing pitons, choice of endangered species bumper stickers, and discount coupons for the luxury hotel you'll actually stay in.


THE "VICTORIA'S SECRET" LOVEMOBILE EDITION:
Includes dual California king beds, mirrored floorboards, mood lighting, continuous-loop Marvin Gaye soundtrack, and Web cam display of catalog models' dressing room.


THE "PUFF DADDY" SIGNATURE EDITION:
Includes side ablative shielding, glacis plate, convenient body armor racks, and 100 percent opaque Ray-Ban glass on all windows including front. Can't see where you're going? Guess they'll just have to get out of your way!


THE EXXON VALDEZ COMMEMORATIVE EDITION:
Includes extra-large fuel tanks, double hull, and exclusive "Slo Response" steering column.


Technical | Safety | Comfort | Electronics | Options | Colors | Special Editions

DISCLAIMERS: Some jurisdictions may impose real-estate taxes on this vehicle. Parking may not always be possible in smaller states such as Rhode Island. Manufacturer not responsible for the greenhouse effect, acid rain, airborne toxics, particulate matter, or global ionospheric anti-decompensation--and don't expect us to tell you what that is because the EPA hasn't found out about it yet. Panamanian registry recommended. Mass of this vehicle may cause distortions in the local space-time continuum. Remember, always buckle up and always arm the escape pod! Please give generously to the Sierra Club.


Technical | Safety | Comfort | Electronics | Options | Colors | Special Editions
COLOR CHOICES:
Road Rage Red
Night Surprise Black
Clear-Cut Forest Green
Fade-to-Gray Metallic
Pure Suburban White

Road Rage Red
Night Surprise Black
Clear-Cut Forest Green
Fade-to-Gray Metallic
Pure Suburban White
Technical | Safety | Comfort | Electronics | Options | Colors | Special Editions
Print This ArticlePRINTDiscuss this in The FrayDISCUSSEmail to a FriendE-MAIL
Share on FacebookPost to MySpace!Share with MixxDigg ThisShare with RedditShare with del.icio.usShare with FurlShare with Ma.gnolia.comShare with SphereShare with Stumble Upon
Gregg Easterbrook is the author, most recently, of The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse.
Join the Fray: our reader discussion forum
What did you think of this article?
POST A MESSAGE | READ MESSAGES
Washington Post
The Washington Post
OPINIONS
Assessing Sarah Palin
Topic A | Political experts weigh in on McCain's running mate.
Meyerson: Pure Identity PoliticsCapehart: A Hail Mary Pass
PLUS » Froomkin: The Anti-Bush