"Redesigning the Brandenburg Gate out of poorly refrigerated slabs of Monterey Jack cheese."--Larry Amoros

"The German government's new genitalia unification program."--Eliot Cohen

"Guns for toys vs. guns for liverwurst."--Molly Shearer Gabel

"Soylent green."--David Feige

"Are fecal chloroform levels involved?"--Andrew Staples

"Mattel's latest Phantom Menace tie-in, Wookie Chips."--R. Hastings

"The statue in Berlin's new Cher Plaza."--Justin Warner

"Aren't these the guys from Ramstein?"--Herb Terns

"Paper or plastic?"--Jon Greenberg

"I think they should just agree to take separate vacations and be done with it."--Francis Heaney

"Converting Al Sharpton's body mass into an inexpensive form of energy."--Danny Spiegel

"Competing plans to collect money from taxpayers who say 'installment agreement' to the feds."--Ross Levatter

"Gerald wants to sell ashtrays formed of presidential excrement in the gift shop at the Reagan Library (à la Trigger's at the Roy Rogers Museum). Dirk is leaning toward first lady porn."--Al Petrosky

"It."--Peter Lerangis

"It's gotta have something to do with Shelley Winters."--Nancy Rhode

"Plans for recycling the remaindered versions of Monica Lewinsky's book."--Howard Burchman

"Whether to start an escort service or just be old-fashioned pimps."--Matt Sullivan

"Gerald wants to use landfill as the foundation for a new high-rise apartment complex. Dirk would rather use Pamela Anderson Lee's old implants."--Charles Star

"Do I get a prize if I guess correctly the number of Pamela Anderson-breast-related responses? Thirty-five?"--Dale Shuger

"Edible underwear: fruit roll-ups or buckwheat?"--Kate Wing

"Proposed Clinton community service project: Boris Yeltsin's speech therapist vs. shoveling manure."--Jane Bu

"Swamp gas inhalants for people with sinus problems."--Judith Spencer

"Dirk and Gerald are Green Party apparatchiks disagreeing over whether the new automobile regulations should require cars to be fueled by fertilizer or the sun."--Ananda Gupta

"Alternative fuels. Vollmer-Heurer has a plan to run cars on natural gas, while Adol suggests powering autos with 'clean, solid, useful' 1950s American values (i.e., 'I pray my car will go, I pray my car will go ... honey, where's the damn [nonwhite] chauffeur?')."--Dale Shuger

"Vollmer-Heurer and Adol are continuing the age-old Dutch debate over the most suitable material for clogs. Adol is taking the standard line that they should be made out of wood, while Vollmer-Heurer is reiterating the persistent belief that they should be made from herring."--Tim "Hey, Alex? I Saw It Last Monday" Carvell

"Network prime-time programming for the 1999-2000 season."--David Finkle

"Tri-state use of Al D'Amato."--Barbara Lippert

"Another sortie in the deodorant wars: i.e., aerosol (cheap, smelly, degrading) vs. roll-on (useful, clean, solid). Can't we all just get along? Especially now that we don't offend, olfactorily speaking?"--Peter Carlin

"Free deodorant for everyone with a hyphen in their name."--Adrianne Tolsch

"Rural French stand up and poop into a hole in the middle of a concrete basin-style toilets vs. self-cleaning, coin-operated Parisian ones."--Eric Fredericksen

"The main plot for a spec script they're co-writing for It's Like, You Know ... ."--Bill Scheft

"Gerald wants to build the new Oscar Meyer Weinermobile using actual meat byproducts."--Bjorn Larsen

"Gerald wants to store his deceased wife in an old refrigerator. (It is not the idea that is degrading, it is his wife. Literally.) Dirk wants to keep her in a specially designed Thermos bottle."--Chuck

"Gerald's (chief of NATO planning) idea of parachuting Monica Lewinsky and Joyce Maynard into Milosevic's compound in Belgrade. Dirk (Gerald's deputy) prefers his own plan of bombarding the city with cassette copies of Waterworld."--Dwight Lemke