"I don't know, but I sure would like to draw participants' attention to my favorite juxtaposition of stories in any newspaper today: Page A1, the Wall Street Journal: 'How Tequila Dumped Its Frat-Boy Image, Became a Tony Tipple.' Page B1, the Wall Street Journal: 'Depression Pill May Help Treat the Acutely Shy.' Seems to me like the two could easily be combined: 'Tequila May Help Treat the Acutely Shy, Become a Tony Tipple.' I am, by the way, changing my name to Tony Tipple."--Tim Carvell

"Mother's Day at Hooters. 'Sometimes suckling a teat is just suckling a teat,' reads the copy."--Beth Sherman

"Salman Rushdie's new novel, Mohammed Ate a Ton of Pork and Drank Liquor by the Gallon."--Alex Balk

"Americans Against Breast-Feeding in Public."--Kate Wing

"Nino must be looking for new clerks."--Adam Bonin

"Just the latest in the rash of cloning experiments gone terribly awry."--Elise Jacobs

"Babe: Pig in the Matrix coming Summer 2000."--Daniel Radosh (Peter Carlin, Holly Loth, Dale Shuger, and Steven Davis had similar answers.)

"Internet porn is advertising in newspapers now?"--Francis Heaney

"GOPAC."--Mac Thomason

"The New Jersey Building Trades Council."--Michael Connelly

"Cigarettes. Hey, it fooled the Times, didn't it?"--Tom Williams (similarly, Tim Carvell)

"Piggy Lactaid. The headline reads: 'These little lactose-intolerant piggies went to market ... or else they'd end up in the bathroom again with searing abdominal pain.' "--Danny Spiegel

"McDonald's next bone to throw to the Jewish people, 'McMom's Pork Gefilte Fish.' "--David "Vey Is Mir" Gaffen

"Contract opportunities available in the supplemental Kosovo spending bill. 'Raytheon and Lockheed-Martin have their spots--do you?' "--Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Chuck Lawhorn)

"It's an ad for the soon to be released Disney feature The Founding of Rome (look closer--two of those suckers ain't piglets!)"--Dale Shuger

"The Catholic Church, inviting the other chosen people to 'taste what you've been missing.' "--Kate Wing

"On the floor of the editing room is a picture of the sow's neck and the triple strand of pearls she always wears. What we see are the four Bush children suckling at mama's breast, the first stop on the road to the White House--Gary Steinkohl (similarly, Rory Jaffe, Howard Burchman for George W., Dale Shuger for Harry Reid, Mike Madden for Bud Shuster, and Ross Levatter for everyone)

"An online florist. The hip, edgy ad is the company's way of saying, 'This is not your father's Mother's Day.' Or something like that."--Daniel Radosh

"Calvin Klein jeans. Let's just not pursue this one, OK?"--Greg Diamond

"The Barbara Bush Take a Republican to Dinner videotape (and party game)."--Larry Amaros

"Advertising has begun for the new season of Roseanne."--Jon Hotchkiss (similarly, Al Petrosky)

"Calista Flockhart's recurrent nightmare of how Fox execs view her."--David Salzman

"An ad for Chops 'n' Chaps, Iowa's first dude ranch."--Matthew Cole

"Probably Infiniti or Levi's. You can never tell what they're advertising in their ads anyway."--David Ballard (similarly enigmatic, but the Gap, Justin Warner; ISP's, Lynn Rosetta; Benetton, Greg Narver)

"An ad for Hebrew National's foray into the trayf products market, the delicious Oinkie, a creme-filled hot dog."--Ben Heller (similarly, Alex Balk)

"Kill Campaign Finance Reform. The sow is labeled PAC and the four piglets are the Republican Party, the Democratic Party, trial lawyers, and lobbyists."--Mary Anne Townsend

"To advertise the fact that Mark Wahlberg is back as Marky Mark, strippin' down to his Calvins and rappin', and he's ready to show his third nipple!"--Barbara Lippert

"Keeping kosher. 'Quite frankly, we were getting a little tired of running those two-line advertisements on the front page of the Times reminding people about the Sabbath,' explained Rabbi Joshua Green, 'We thought we'd do something a little more in-your-face.' "--Doug Strauss

"The long-awaited first magazine from Tina Brown and Miramax, The New Porker (or "Trayf and Leisure").--Bill Scheft

"Classified ad for the White House summer intern program."--Adrianne Tolsch (similarly, Danny Spiegel, Charlie Glassenberg, and Steven Davis)

"The ad is for Morgan Stanley's technology corporate finance department. The ad copy: 'HAVE WE GOT A TEAT FOR YOU! Dozens of Internet start-ups are sucking money out of a fat, bloated stock market fueled by day-traders. You can be the next little piglet if you call us today!' "--Ron Lieber

"New York hot dogs. Made from the best stuff on earth."--Rob Bates

"The Dairy Barn: An 'exciting' new dairy substitute for non-Jews and non-Muslims."--Steve Hellerman

"BBQ'd Milk. The American Dairy Council hopes this new product fares better than last year's ill-fated tie-in with Pace Picante sauce."--Dennis Cass

"Pig's milk, of course. It's 'the goat's milk of the new millennium.' "--Steve Smith

"Got Milk?"--Lynn Rosetta, Winter Miller, Greg Diamond, Jon Delfin, Dale Shuger, and Curt Simon

"The Star Wars Barn or Spaceport or Rocket Place: 2014, George Orwell's sequel, which picks up 30 years in the future. The nation of pig-men farmers has successfully taken over Earth (except for the land the husky beings refer to as 'Canada'). But there is a new hope--the four children of Josephine, hidden away by Obi-Snowball Kenobi on the planet of the Pigs ..."--Dave "2 Weeks to Go" Gaffen

"The new Star Wars movie. The caption reads 'Because you know, if we call it Star Wars, you'll watch any old crap we put on the screen."--Brooke Saucier

Self-Reference Corner

"Stanford University. They didn't admit me as an undergraduate, for their J.D. program, or for their Ph.D. program, and so this submission is my sweet revenge."--Greg Diamond

"I have a brilliant entry about how greedy Bill Gates is, but if you published it--and, being the Ethicist, you would--you'd be fired immediately. You're welcome."--Noah Meyerson

"Don't know; am still in shock, wondering how they got their hands on my baby pictures."--Andrew Staples