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Am I My Brother's Keeper?I have extra cash. My siblings don't. How much do I have to I help them?

By Patty Stonesifer and Sandy StonesiferPosted Wednesday, June 10, 2009, at 7:00 AM ET

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Do you have a real-life do-gooding dilemma? Please send it to , and Patty and Sandy will try to answer it.

Dear Patty and Sandy,

I am the lucky one in my big family: great job, great income, solid savings. Not all of my siblings are so lucky, and some really struggle. How should I think about their needs in the context of my giving plan? And when it comes to family gifts, should it be "even-steven" or "each according to his needs"?

—Natalie

Patty:

When humans have excess resources, they first hoard a bit for a rainy day. Then they share the surplus with immediate family (partners and children), then the next circle of family, then those who share their lives in other ways (preachers, teachers, community leaders, and services they value), and so forth through greater and greater circles. This is an admirable human trait and one that helps make the world go 'round. So the question isn't "Should I share what I have?" but rather ... how much and with whom?

Not sharing. Siblings often have difficulty sharingHere is what I think: To the extent that your sharing addresses "freedom from want," filling a basic need for shelter, security, sustenance, or education, then supporting family members should be thought of as a top priority way to share your wealth. But if your sharing goes beyond basic want (and I'm not saying it shouldn't), to help with that long delayed and much needed vacation for your sister, or that new car for Mom, or that retirement nest egg for your brother, then you need to think about it differently. In those cases, it falls into the personal choices bucket and should not be counted in your "leave the world a better place" giving plan.

We don't have to use all our resources to leave the world a better place, but we should be committing some portion of our time, our money, and our voice to that broader goal. If, after you've met your basic needs and fulfilled that better world obligation, you want to give part of the rest to family members as gifts—go for it.

Sandy:

Even-steven? As the youngest sibling, I was annoyingly concerned with equality: Who changed the channel, who sat in the front seat, and who chose the cookie half first? My parents instituted an even-odd day rule. My brother ruled on odd days, I on evens. In an argument, he (or she) whose day it was prevailed. I remain convinced there are more odd days.

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Patty Stonesifer is the chair of the Smithsonian Institution Board of Regents and a senior adviser to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, where she was president, then CEO for 10 years. She spent the first two decades of her career in the technology business, where her last job was senior vice president at Microsoft. Sandy Stonesifer works on issues related to adolescent girls' health at a nonprofit based in Washington, D.C.

Photograph of siblings by Stockbyte/Getty Images.

COMMENTS

I would caution anyone about getting into a position of helping your siblings with day to day expenses. It is very hard to do this and not feel like you may be subsidizing the purchase of things like cigarettes or booze or video games with which you may have an issue. After consulting a family financial planner, I was convinced to contribute to a college saving plan for my nieces and nephews instead. I informed the parents of what I was doing and the level of my contributions. My commitment was sufficient that it allowed the parents to decrease what they needed to set aside each month for educational savings, but allowed me not think about how they spent their limited cash.

Also I do not think it is a bad thing to help with the big extras like trips or first cars. When my niece had a chance to go to Europe with a student exchange program, I gladly matched what she earned serving fast food. When her brother opted out of travel but needed a car, I made the same deal and matched what he earned to the same limit.

-- pengcat
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In our family the odd-even days of rule also meant that the daily chores for that day had to be done by said person as well.

My brother got the odd days but he had to wash the dishes more often (in addition to the other daily chores like trash taking out) as a result. Seemed fair to me, lol.

-- Mesothelin
(To reply, click here)

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