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The Idle ParentWe had children, and then we complained.

By Tom HodgkinsonPosted Monday, April 20, 2009, at 4:21 PM ET

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I have noticed this tendency in myself: Sometimes I am staring at my computer screen and a child comes into my study and asks to play a game: "Will you play Tractor Ted with me?" Self-importantly, I sigh and say something along the lines of: "I'm working" or worse, a querulous: "Can't you see I'm working?" The child persists for a while and then gives up. I then look at my screen again and wonder whether checking the Amazon ranking of my last book can really be considered to be important work. Can it not be left for five minutes?

Lloyd pondered these questions and decided to start saying "Yes" to his children when he was on the phone or working and they asked him for something. He realized too that their repeated requests and irritating behavior toward him were a sort of demand for recompense for earlier love starvation. So he would put the phone down and go and play with the child. Isn't this rather a lot of work for the idle parent? Not really. The child will be delighted with its five minutes of mucking about. And in any case, it's actually a pleasure for the parent. After all, you'll have plenty of time to work and stare at the screen as they grow older and less interested in you.

John also points out that saying "Yes" can be seen as a sort of investment for the idle parent. After you have made a habit of saying "Yes" for a while, say, a year or two, the kids will stop bothering you in the same way. Your yay-saying will have installed security in their hearts, so that they will no longer have the need to test your love and continually press for it. Let us call this method the Lloyd Plan for Happy, Stress-Free Parenting. Here it is:

Despite the way it looks to those of us who are already parents—and making the customary hash of it—parenting is actually a glorious opportunity for a lifetime of idleness. There's a really simple knack to this. Give children whatever they want, whenever they want it, as soon as they ask. If children know they can have your undivided attention for any reason, no matter how paltry, at any time of day or night, lo and behold, miracle of miracles, they stop asking. This leaves you free to fart around doing whatever it was you formerly considered more important.

The idle parent needs to harmonize the two at-first-sight different attitudes of doing nothing and saying "Yes." Let them come to you, but when they do come to you, be there for them and try not to fob them off. This way, you will have plenty of time to pursue your own business, whatever that may be, and the child will learn self-reliance and the feeling of being loved from the beginning. Being loved but being free. Do less! Passive parenting is responsible parenting.