
Mighty AphroditeDear Prudence counsels a lovelorn student and other advice seekers.
Posted Tuesday, April 21, 2009, at 4:54 PM ETEmily Yoffe: This is why work-based friendships can get so messy. Normally, if you've been uncerimoniously dropped by someone you can just move on. But you can't if you see that person every day. So decide if for the sake of office expedience it's worth the two hours. If not, simple decline and say you are sorry you have another engagement that day, and sent along a couple of lovely board books.
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Chantilly, Va.: My husband and I have argued for years over the housework issue. Our solution: We divided up all the regular housework that needs to be done regularly and we each took on the items we were willing to tackle and then split up what was left evenly (i.e. he does the dishes every night, I cook dinner, he vacuums, I sweep and mop). That way, if something isn't done, it's clear who was supposed to do it, and no one is doing more housework than the other person. If one of us can't get our chores done due to other commitments, then we ask each other nicely to help and expect that the favor will be reciprocated. It's saved us a lot of time and arguments.
Emily Yoffe: The key seems to be the agreement that this is a joint enterprise between the two of you, and then working it out NICELY. But my mail reflects the fact that many men don't see this domain as theirs, then literally don't see dirty dishes or piles of laundry. Maybe this is an ophthalmological issue.
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Newark, Ohio: I sometimes get jealous of my husband. He has friends like no other, and well... I don't see or hear from mine too often, since I got married. How do I stop these feelings? I feel ashamed of being jealous of him. I want to be happy for him.
Emily Yoffe: Why don't you see or hear from yours? Are you waiting for them to get in touch with you? Plan a girls night out, take a class with a friend. Put together a dinner party. Marriage didn't end you personal social life. It's good you aren't trying to separate your husband from his friends, but instead learn from him -- see that he values his friendships and do more to value yours.
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Detroit, Mich.: I recently started wearing a wig, for medical reasons. It's obvious to some of my acquaintances, but not to others. What should I say when people compliment me on my hair? Just saying "thank you" makes me feel like a fraud, but I know I shouldn't have to tell everyone it's a wig, either.
Emily Yoffe: "Thank you" is perfect. No need to elaborate.
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re: "instead of helping": My wife and I made a list of who does what around the house to keep it clean early on. We both know that it is stuff that neither of us wants to do, but need to do. When I am not holding up my end of the deal, I can expect to find a vacuum cleaner on my reclining chair when I come home from work. Likewise, I can pile the random dishes and bowls she leaves in the bedroom on her side of the bed. We give each other "the hint" that we are slacking instead of nagging each other.
It sounds like Michigan needs to make a list for each other and either give each other "hints" or have "penalties" for not doing something. If he always watches TV and is slacking, his penalty can be that you take the cable boxes and remotes with you when you go to class/work/shopping. Come up with a penalty for yourself on the same scale of seriousness as well.
Emily Yoffe: I'm glad this works for you -- and again, you accept the fact that maintaining the house is a joint task. But taking the cable box sounds like the first step in the War of the Roses -- not the historical event, but the Michael Douglas Kathleen Turner movie about a couple that ends up literally destroying their house.
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Chantilly, Va.: For Detroit: It IS your hair. You just bought it, that's all. Now go smile at yourself in the mirror and buy yourself a treat. You've earned it.
Emily Yoffe: Great point!
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Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next Monday.
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