HOME / the chat room: Real-time discussions with Slate writers.

Dormitory Drug WarDear Prudence elaborates on the college tattletale and tackles other reader quandaries.

Posted Monday, April 13, 2009, at 3:40 PM ET

Emily Yoffe: Agreed. This may be a battle between control-freakdom, and passive-aggression.

_______________________

Dupont Circle: "Well, you should feel lucky you even have a job." What's the best way to respond to this statement?

Yes, of course I am happy to have a job. I don't sit in my cubicle with a smile plastered on my face and skip home, though. I'm grateful to have work, cautious about spending money, wise to be saving more. I witnessed layoffs at my job two months ago, and it scared me to death, and I feel sad for those who lost their jobs and guilty that I'm not very busy at work.

A year ago, replying to the question "so how was your day" and relaying a story about something that happened at work would have passed for mere conversation. Today, if the story is even slightly tinted with something negative or critical, you're assumed to be ungrateful and fed that line. (I should clarify that people who are employed are saying this—I try to be sensitive to friends who were laid off and might not want to discuss work life.)

Replying "yes, of course I am" doesn't hold much weight in the conversation.

Thank you.

Emily Yoffe: "You're lucky to have a job" has become the "Have a nice day" of the 00s. I'm also hearing this a lot said as a tag line by people after they finish complaining about something at work. Yes, all of with jobs are lucky. But this doesn't mean we've stopped being human and therefore will never complain again. If the "You're lucky" is a way of dismissing a real work difficulty, then you can say, "Yes, I am—but this is a real problem." If it's in response to something that's pretty trivial, you can say, "Yes, I am—but that doesn't mean I still don't like to complain."

_______________________

For Washington DC with abusive ex: How's about, "I don't want to get into the whys of my leaving the marriage. No matter what, he is the father of my daughter and as such deserves to not be gossiped about."

Emily Yoffe: If I heard that I have to admit I'd start asking other people if they know what the gossip would be about. Either you tell people you are ending an abusive marriage, or you don't get into it at all. Leaving enticing hints about what really went on is not going to help close off the discussion.

_______________________

Text don't phone: I am old in technological terms (38) but definitely prefer texting or online chatting to phoning under many circumstances. I would not worry about it at all—just keep in mind that people who really prefer to do everything verbally may have a harder time communicating with us text-firsters.

Emily Yoffe: Doesn't everyone today have to be bi-technological? You have to be comfortable talking on the phone and texting. But I've read that texts are swamping calls. It's definitely more efficient—which may mean it's not great for getting- to-know-you.

_______________________

South Orange, N.J.: Re your video Cat question, and an answer of tiring the cat out so it sleeps...

Normally, you're the cat's meow, but this time you're setting up a cat-astrophe.

We have four cats, and a dog, and a three-year-old. Frankly, we'd never allow them to run our lives like you suggested. Plus, many cats grow bored with lasers and fishing poles and end up ignoring them.

They can mew all they want. After a few days (at most two weeks), they'll get used to the new arrangement. Plus this sets a good tone for any children in the future: The kids have their own bed for a reason!

Emily Yoffe: This refers to a video today in SlateV in which a woman in a new relationship wants her boyfriend's cat, Sherman, off the bed. Just as the world may be divided into callers and texters, it's also divided into those who love sleeping with their pet (supply your own jokes), and those who can't stand it. The problem here is not training the cat to stay out of the bedroom. The problem is that the boyfriend wants to sleep with Sherman. As a pet-sleeper myself, it's a mistake for a new human love to try to toss a purring security blanket.

Dear Prudence Video: Sleeping With My Boyfriend's Cat

Out of the office: If they feel the boss is consistently overbearing, bad, intrusive, etc. and that the calling in is just one example, then they should look for another job and as you said, find ways to manage the big deal problems of this one in the mean time. I hate to say it, but in this economy the worst thing one can do is risk getting fired and/or making the relationship go from annoying to unlivable. I think you're right and fighting every fight is a bad, bad idea even if the boss is a pain.