HOME / recycled: Previously published Slate articles made new.

The Two-Minute HaggadahA Passover service for the impatient.

By Michael RubinerPosted Wednesday, April 8, 2009, at 9:51 AM ET

Are you in a rush this Passover? Want to get right to the best part of Seder: the eating? In 2006, Michael Rubiner crafted a two-minute Haggadah that covers all the bases and lets you get right to the meal. The article is reprinted below.

Illustration by Mark Alan Stamaty. Click image to expand.Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

Print This ArticlePRINTEmail to a FriendE-MAILShare This ArticleRECOMMEND...Get Slate RSS FeedsRSS
Michael Rubiner writes for movies and television. His work has appeared in many publications, including The New Yorker, the New York Times, and Rolling Stone.
Illustration by Mark Alan Stamaty.
What did you think of this article?
Join The Fray: Our Reader Discussion Forum
POST A MESSAGE | READ MESSAGES
TODAY'S PICTURES
TODAY'S CARTOONS
TODAY'S DOONESBURY
TODAY'S VIDEO
All that glitters …93/091202_TP.jpg
Cartoonists' take on Afghanistan.55/091202_TC.jpg
Handling the old dude.66/0912102_TD.jpg