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Facebook PhilanderingDear Prudence on affairs via social networking—and other readers' quandaries.

Posted Monday, April 6, 2009, at 5:18 PM ET

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Worried sick: I am not a jealous woman, and I have never checked up on my husband. This weekend I was cleaning out our old bills and took a moment to look at our cell phone charges. There were a few calls and text messages on his phone to a number I did not recognize and at odd times of day. There were enough of these that I looked at his phone to see who it was. The number was not listed and no record of the calls and texts was kept. I called the number this morning from a pay phone and it is a woman I know of. My husband and I talk all the time and he never mentions this woman. Am I over reacting?

Emily Yoffe: Well, you have taken action, but you haven't really reacted yet to the information you've gotten. Maybe it's all perfectly innocent, maybe it's not. But if you want to find out if your husband is being deceitful, you need to come clean about what you've found out. Just lay it out to him the way you laid it out here (try to be as dispassionate as possible) and let him respond. Do not let him twist the discussion into one about your snooping. Admit you snooped, but explain the issue on the table is what your snooping turned up.

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Virginia: Dear Prudence: My son goes to a private school that is heavy on parent volunteer involvement. I work full-time as an attorney, and, as a result, don't often have time to volunteer. However, I did volunteer for an event that required a limited number of volunteers. I never heard back from the parent who was coordinating volunteers, so I assumed I wasn't needed. I opened my email this morning to a not very nice email from the aforesaid parent who told me that it was "difficult" because I didn't show up. How should I handle this situation? Thanks.

Emily Yoffe: Be big and take the hit for the miscommunication. Explain you are terribly sorry but that after you sent your email saying you were available you didn't hear back—maybe the email got eaten—and so assumed your help wasn't needed. Say you realize now you should have followed up to double check what was going on. Expect you will be the subject of much disparaging talk in this hothouse world of prep school parent volunteers. Try not to care.

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Re: Snooping: "Admit you snooped, but explain the issue on the table is what your snooping turned up."

So snooping is OK as long as you find something?

Emily Yoffe: I know snooping is supposed to be worse than the violations that snooping turns up, but I have a more complicated view. In general I am against snooping. And I think married people still have a right to privacy in their communications. However, in the course of paying bills, etc. you stumble on significant evidence of cheating, well, I think that trumps the expectation of privacy. And I often hear from people whose spouses have cheated in the past, and who are now picking up suspicious signs, and who check the email or cellphone and find what looks like confirmation. And I think following your hunches in those situations is justified.

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Re: exercise yammer: Oh, been there! It was a spin class with a participant who "whooped!!" every couple minutes. She either thought she was helping generate enthusiasm or was just drawing attention to herself. Either way, I actually took to wearing earplugs to class! Can you imagine, a class with booming music and having to wear ear plugs? Finally, I talked to the instructor and SHE was annoyed, too. One day I just looked at the whooper and said, "will you knock it off, that's very distracting," taking the brunt of the now-hostility for the rest of the class. One other participant said, "thank you!" I say, tell the talkers that they're distracting you. I'll bet you make a lot of friends in that class doing it.

Emily Yoffe: Good for you. However, there was that case in NY where the whooper wouldn't stop, so the person who asked was driven so insane by the whooping he threw the whooper off the bike. The assault case went to a jury and the thrower was acquitted—no question he did it, but the jury sympathized with him. In case the talkers or whoopers are real jerks, it's best to have the teacher handle it.

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I opened my email this morning to a not very nice email from the aforesaid parent who told me that it was "difficult" because I didn't show up.: I disagree with Emily. busy mom should not apologize for SAHM not knowing the basics of communication, organizing, delegating. Mom should return to email saying "sorry I missed the event, but without a firm followup, I can't keep my schedule open for unconfirmed events. My office schedule keeps me busy and I need definite verification of all appointments."

Emily Yoffe: I see your point, the lawyer-mother's kid goes to this school, has play dates and is on sports teams with the child of the volunteer-mother. Send a legalistic note like that and the volunteer-mother will forward it to everyone else to show what a jerk lawyer-mother is. Sometimes it's better to take the hit for the sake of smoothing relations.

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Oakton, Va.: Prudence,

On Saturday I was out with my partner, Ted, and his friend, Sally, at a Japanese Steak house. Sitting with us was another couple who we didn't know. We were all getting along well—laughing and having a good time. The husband of the other couple, Joe, asked Ted if he was married. Ted said no. It irked me a bit and he and I spoke about it. I understand that my partner prefers to rally around the it-isn't-anyone-else's-business flag, especially strangers, who ask about our relationship. (We both pass for straight quite often.) Of course, Ted and I aren't married, but we have been partners for 5 years.

Is there a way to address this question that is funny and honest without bringing the party to a halt? (I fear there is self-loathing under this question.)

Mark

Emily Yoffe: There is no need to make a joke when answering this question, nor should a simple, straight answer about being gay bring the party to a halt. I understand your annoyance because in response to the question Ted should have indicated you and said, "Mark and I are partners." You two need to privately work out how you both want to answer this question in social settings in a way that makes you each comfortable.